Top 5 Signs That Someone is Ugly, and Therefore Stupid

Let’s say you ever find your way into a boardroom meeting at Goldman Sachs. (Which, who am I kidding, you’re some neo-ironic 18-25 year old. But play along here, I’m proving a point.) Sure, some of the people around you are bald or could lose some weight, but how many of these people are truly abominably ugly? Even the grossest weirdo in that room doesn’t have a single wart, boil, or scar on their body.

The statistical averages among successful people prove it. You wanna be somewhere in this world, you gotta preen all ugly or deformed people from your life and break out the ProActiv. You’re no good at maintaining your hair, so you should probably shave it off and go on whatever the opposite of Rogaine is. Whatever you’ve got to do to be a real power player in this dog-eat-dog world.

Now I’m not saying, specifically, that because someone is ugly, that also means they’re stupid. According to Variety articles I’ve read and loose anecdotes I’ve heard about people with Downs Syndrome, sometimes ugly people aren’t always necessarily intellectually-subhuman bottom feeders. But the statistics are on my side when you consider that the vast amount of people I’ve met in my life who are ugly have also turned out to be intensely, undeniably stupid. So when I say that you should erase all stupid (and therefore ugly) people from your life, remember that I’m also just working off of statistical trends data.

So without further procrastination, lets count off the major ways that someone can prove to you they’re objectively ugly and should be preened from your life.

 

1. Brown hair, with faded blonde streaks

Ever met a smart, passionate go-getter who had loose strands of Peroxide wisping off their skull? Neither have I. If you see someone who has a couple strings of blonde hair amidst a bush of a brunette hair-do, it means they got a bleach job and couldn’t commit to it. This means either they lack self-awareness, they’re too lazy to get it removed, or they’re delusional. In all three cases this suggests that the person underneath those sad strands is mindbogglingly stupid.

Coincidentally, two of the girls I’ve met in my life who’ve had this stylin’ do also had fetal alcohol syndrome and couldn’t do basic arithmetic, but even a normie showing off this tragic look is communicating to you on a subconscious level, “Do not involve me in your life.” Take note of the warning signs and stay away, you’re not gonna find any of these miserable psychotics cashing in on $800k worth of their Snapchat stock.

 

2. A shirt with holes in it

Either this person is too poor to afford a new wardrobe, or they don’t have the presence of mind to see that their clothing is damaged. The only exception here is if it’s a cute girl and the hole lets you see part of her boobs. Otherwise, the message is clear – don’t engage.

 

3. Crosseyes

The only witty crosseyed person I’ve ever known is a made-up Marty Feldman reciting the beautiful wordplay of Mel Brooks. In real life, every crosseyed person I’ve ever known has been a disgusting and off-putting presence. As a basic rule: I don’t think anyone with diverted focus problems is gonna be buying a yacht any time soon.

This one’s a bit unfair, I admit, because it’s not a conscious choice like most of the other options on this list. But I’m sure there’s a special type of contact lens, or laser surgery you can get to fix this. Listen, it’s not my job to look into this, it’s your job to look presentable in decent society. Slap on some sunglasses.

 

4. A Bad Profile

If you ever get nominated for an Oscar, look around at your fellow upperclassmen. Notice how unbelievably attractive they are. These people, the cultural, financial and intellectual elite of our society, are all blessed with symmetrical faces and pleasing profiles. Even at a lower class event like the Tradesmans Oscars or the Emmys, notice how few hunchbacked people or facially deformed people there are in your vicinity. Even Lena Dunham, considered “TV ugly”, has clear skin and smooth eyebrows. The ugliest writer on the worst sitcom in the world is still physically gorgeous enough to appear on the cover of Vogue.

The objective measure I use to see if someone has a bad profile – look at them from the side, and try to imagine their silhouette in a Presidents’ Museum exhibit. If you can’t connect the dots, well, I guess you’ll have just another person to wipe off your iCal.

 

5. Low Klout Score

We’ve already established that beautiful people are smart – and no smart, proactive paradigm-shifting go getter can afford to not have a robust and fleshed-out social media presence. And, hey, you can’t afford to buy followers via a corporate aggregate – you’re probably pretty stupid.

 

 

This five tips are conclusive and comprehensive – use them to guide you through your new life as a beautiful, rich genius. Can’t wait to see you on the front page of Defamer!

Buzzfeed, THE WEB SIGHT, IS OFFLINE FROM INTERNET

Today the 11 of november 2001 the internet was very sad to hear that the big WEB SIGHT BUZZFEED DOT COM went offline and no one knows why this has happened. BUZZFEED DOT COM the big web sight on the Inter Net was Verry Famous indeed and has sparked a lot of furor and outcrying about this tragic event that happened today on 9 november. At BUZZ FEED, a less popular web page and internet destination, we took it on ourselfs to write and talk and email and whatever to people in the real world meat space to get Big Ideas on What People Were Doing with their time. Some of the answers are interesting and You Should Read This. we paint the REAL HUMAN CANVAS only here, feed.bz

“I can’t believe this is happening to me” writes Scott Fitzroy, a 34 year old part-time script writer from Brooklyn, NY. “Where did Buzzfeed go. Where did it go? That’s a question a lot of people are asking, but there isn’t an answer”. Scott was deeply upset over the loss of websight buzzfeed dot com so instead he went to another websight in order to spend his valuable time, but it wasn’t the same.

“Well I can’t get on to buzzfeed dot com. I cant share some Good Articles with my facebook Freinds!” declared 19 year old Law Student Rachel Winchester from her computer machine laptop terminal via email system service. “I can’t believe this. I am studying for my Big Exam but I cannot read the websight Buzz Feed dot com. I want to be able to read the &&$#$#* website now thanks!” she finished her email rather rudely. Many people are feeling the bad effect of the loss of thi great website but no one knows how long it will be for. It’s a big mystery we havent solved here at Feed Buzz.

“Ah, this is such a big disaster” deplored 54 year old county sherrif Jarrod Stringer, who, despite being an old, uses a web to make a good joke from time to time. it certainly helps when he is not doing a big police drive and then also arresting a bad criminal who might do a robbery, drug, rape or murder. “God Damn It” he said to our staffer who was around at the time. “I can’t believe this. I am already Getting many Suicide Calls about this big loss. Everyones dying” he continued with a single tear down his cheek. “Fuck. Big Fuck”.

David Oakenfield, an 8 year old living in San Francisco, couldn’t finish his cereal today because of the loss of Giant Webby Buzz Feed.com. He was very upset when he found out he couldn’t go on to share Cool Blogs and Storys with his mates on the cyberweb, and so was very sad and couldn’t go to school and di a big Sooky Child cry in his Lightning McQueen loft bed. “It’s a fucking mess” said Susanne Arlesque, David’s sole parent and roller derby expert from Sydney, Australia, who moved here to take care of her son in the Big City where Dreams Come True. “I have a Big Derby tomorrow but my son is Sad. I bet those Big Fat Cats what run BuzzFeed dot com are happy. I’ll probably lose my game now”.

It Is hard for a Roller Derby win when your son is upset, even if you have bought them the Lightning mcqueen (main guy from Disney/Pixar Cars 1, sidekick in Cars 2) bed. Susanne is not the only person, though, to be suffering. Even in the Ivory Tower of IT World there are some bad computer nerds who probably caused this, but even they are Upset ABout Buzz Feed.com missing. We spoke to one before just about this problem that has happened.

“Its fucked and also a shame. iM trying to code and cannot have a laughter about some movie or dog. Such a shame for me, the big computer guy” said Dale Clements, a 39 year old software engineer from Ohio, who’s baseball cap was now stained forever in his own grief-sweat. “I mean I start the day doing the codes, the big computer code. now I cant because im so sad from buzzfeed dot com” said Dale as he was upset and probably going to cry like a fucking baby. “Im sad”

“I woke up the kids today and told them america was under attack” said neighbourhood Mom of 5 Sherry Charlamange, from Oklahoma. “My childs cried” she also told us, when she had gone to see her childs and tell them “buzz feed dot com. it is not working. its. not. working”. The babes and child all did a very large crying session and the mother, Sherry, held their hands and also heads in turn and gave them angel kisses on the tops of their foreheads. “When will america learn that this sort of terrorism cannot be accepted” said Sherry. She was crying very big now.

“Bark Bark” expressed the gruff, chizled 4-year old french Bulldog Charlie to our reporters when Buzz Feed dot com could not be accessed on Dogterweb. “Bark bark bark rrrr ruff ahhhrroooo” he also said in his wonderful way as he sat like a normal human person on the lap of his owner. “brooooo” he croaned, melting the shattered hearts of all those who could not access the great dog and news websirte, buzzfeed dot com.

“This is al the fault of democrat and pig idiot barackk hussein obama. wheres the certificate. of birth, where is it” decried southwest town crier John Smith from Big City, Il. “I didnt vote for him, and now look what happen. When did this kenya get in. Where the certificate. where is it”. We asked him about how he felt now that buzzfeed was gone, as this is a big issue facing out nation. Buzz Feed, websight, it is gone, when come back? “Fucking where is the certificate. i saw one, but it was forged. where the fuck is it god im gonna kill someone, if i dont get the truth. semper fi, brothers” he spat back at us, the reporter guys.

“can’ fucken believe i’” said rough youth and Voice of A Generation, Colin Wozzok, from Sheffield, England. Colin, aka DANDYSMASH, is a local and international superstar DJ rapper musician lad friend who has not been able to access popular internet webby, Buzzfeed. Here is what he said. “oi i can ge on buzzfe from me blackburry. gon nick me an iphone innit gov” he said and spat through his bad teeth and other things. We are sad for him, as is everyone the startling weight of the future without internet webmasters of staff Buzzfeed dot colm is very sad. “i can rite me own rap bout nothin else mate” he replied.

“fuck” said conservative pastor Sarah Slidesbarf, 34, a missionary operating in the war torn country of Ukraine. “This is Bull Shit. how am I. to do the research. Where the pics. Fuck”.

Buzzfeed is down and everyones affected by this, but no answers have been given when the site will return. We asked the owner fo other internet Web Zone Reddit Dot Child to give us an estimation. “Well” said BigLord69, “We dont know. Stop Asking. We dont Know ABout BuzzFeed Webby” said BigLord69.

For now, though, we are but snowflakes on the sea of tomorrow. The sea is turning to acid but the snowflake has since already melted. Our winter is ending.

Five Historical Badasses (That Your Teachers Lied To You About)

1. Abraham Lincoln

Sure, you learned all about Abraham Lincoln freeing the slaves in school. You probably also learned that he admitted two states to the Union (not including the ones he prevented from seceding), which is no small feat. But they probably didn’t teach you that Lincoln was a well-respected wrestler! It might be hard to imagine Abraham Lincoln striding down to the ring with a steel chair like in the WWE, but he did indeed practice amateur wrestling in his younger years, even handily defeating the leader of a local gang of roughnecks called the “Clary’s Grove Boys.” Sadly, the historical record does not specify whether or not he then flexed his guns and yelled, “Whatcha gonna do when Lincolnmania runs wild on you?” But maybe he did!

2. Buckminster Fuller

Most Olympians will agree that stamina is crucial, regardless of the event. And even though Buckminster Fuller was no athlete, he once performed a feat of endurance that would even Jamie? Can you see this, Jamie?

3. Ada Lovelace

Jamie, listen. Please listen to us. You’ve been in a coma since the accident. Doctor Clarke says you’re talking in your sleep and it sounds like you’re in some kind of dream state where you’ve constructed an imaginary world to live in. She says your eyes are open sometimes and you’re hearing what people say but it’s just not reaching you like it should. She says sometimes she can try to influence things in this dream world by talking to you or showing you things. She had us write this down and she’s going to try to…we don’t know, it sounds almost like hypnotic suggestion, but she says she can get this letter to show up in a place where you can read it. Jamie, can you see this? We love you and we miss you so much.

4. Please listen to us Jamie, you have to wake up

Doctor Clarke says it sounds like your name isn’t even Jamie in this imaginary world. That sounds so crazy. We don’t understand. Are you happy in there? Do you remember us? Do you miss us? We miss you. We all miss you so much, we cry all the time. But please listen: You have to wake up. Doctor Clarke says there’s only so much time before the coma state becomes permanent. She says your body is healed, but your mind just isn’t coming around. She says you have to choose to wake up. She says if you don’t wake up soon, you never will. And your living will specifies that we’re supposed to pull the plug if you end up in a permanently comatose state. Please don’t make us do that. We don’t want to do that. We want – we need you to come back to us. Jamie, you’re going to die if you don’t wake up. Please, please wake up. Please.

5. Oscar Wilde

It just doesn’t make sense to us that you’re living in some dream state, that you don’t remember your name is Jamie. That you don’t remember your wedding day. This letter is our last chance. If you can’t wake up now, Doctor Clarke says it’s almost certain you never will. PLEASE, PLEASE, OH GOD JAMIE THIS IS SO TERRIBLE PLEASE WAeorge Foreman a run for his money! Too bad he didn’t live in the modern age – he missed out on endorsement deals like the Oscar Wilde Grill or maybe Oscar Wilde’s Punch-Out! for the Nintendo. Also he would not have been incarcerated for sodomy.

Top 5 Yoga poses for Yoga beginners to begin with

 

Okay boys, here it is, if you have been trying to get into Yoga you are in luck. Here are 5 easy poses that you can show off at dinner parties :))

1) Child’s Pose

This is a great pose for beginners to start with. In this pose you lie down on your yoga mat and start by sitting on your knees. This pose helps center your chacras and if you get this pose right you should feel a clean tug on your lower back region. The secret to a great child’s pose is to stretch all of your limbs to max capacity. Good luck :P

2) Downward Facing Dog

this pose is a home screen pose, which means that you will come back to this pose often and many other non-beginner poses will begin with this dog. There is also a more advance pose which is hard but it basically is down ward facing dog but then you pull your heartstrings to your ears and essentialize the room so that your shoulders line up with the insides of your girdle bone. Many poses are based off this home screen pose-good luck!!

3) tadasana/padahastasana

This is a beginners pose which is great to begin doing after you start child’s pose. This pose is all about breathing properly so open your lungs, okay! This pose is a special pose that allows you to recenter your mind on yoga instead of on your business report :P this is actually two posses. In order to do them, you must first 1) stand like a pencil would and then bend down slowly to get to padahastasana.! This is a great pose and my personal favorites!! Good luck :)

4) Baby pose

This pose is just like child’s pose accept you have to be a baby or a baby boy ((:

4) Warrior Pose

this pose is very masculine and I don’t recommend that women do it because it is for men. In this pose you stand like tadasana, but there is a catch! In order to do this pose you have to begin by moving you’re legs apart. I like to explain this to my yogi beginners (: as like a greek statue. If you get this pose right you won’t fall over LOL! Try to act like you are throwing a spear at a hog and you will get the gist of this challenging yoga pose. Good luck little yoga beginners! P:

The 10 Dumbest Things AOL’s “Digital Prophet” David Shing Has Ever Said

We all had a good laugh last Friday about a television appearance from AOL’s “Digital Prophet,” David Shing, because of his completely absurd physical appearance.

But “Shingy,” as he likes to be called, is actually quite a clever animal. His ridiculous plumage serves a vital function – to distract people from the worthless gibberish that cascades out of his mouth-hole.

Here’s something you need to know about “tech companies.” The most valuable thing in all of their corporate cultures is the need to appear “on the cutting edge.” Forget profits, forget employee satisfaction (as evidenced by AOL’s recent gutting of their 401K matching program), all that matters is that they look like they’re “ahead of the curve.” Actually implementing technology to be ahead of the curve, however, is really hard. So what they do instead is hire some jive-talking idiot to write guest blogs and speak at conferences to weave the illusion.

AOL’s choice was David Shing. I’m sure he came into a meeting and just wowed whatever board dinosaurs needed to be impressed (and wouldn’t Google anything he said) and they wrote him a check. And now the chickens are coming home to roost.

Here are the ten dumbest things that Shing’s ever said (in public – we have no doubt that, say, in the heat of coitus with his “babe” he says equally dumb things, but we may never know them).

10. “You fundamentally have between 6 seconds and 13 hours to tell your brand story today.”

Let’s start with this hilarious line, which sums up everything absurd about the whole concept of a “digital prophet.” This is from a now-deleted Vimeo that Shing uploaded that, if it wasn’t so po-faced, could serve as a parody of everything noxious about Silicon Valley. Where did those numbers come from? I’ll tell you where: out of David Shing’s ass. Oh, and here’s a little tip for AOL: If the guy you hired to make you seem forward-thinking is deleting his prediction videos because they’re so embarrassing, maybe you shouldn’t be paying him to make prediction videos.

9. “We can see examples of that everywhere, even back in the day, with Andy Warhol’s studio in Soho, the careers and the movements that happened there.”

This is from a hilariously ass-kissing interview with Shing on some Greek blog. Anybody who knows anything about the modern art scene in New York can spot what’s wrong with this pretty easily, but if you don’t: Warhol never had a studio in SoHo. This dipshit is talking about the Factory, which was first located in Midtown then relocated to Union Square, quite a ways north of Houston St. Shing (who even lives in New York) is staggeringly ignorant of the actual facts, preferring instead to promulgate an incorrect myth and make himself (and his employer, AOL) look foolish.

8. “David Shing is AOL’s Digital Prophet. He spends most of his time watching the future take shape across the vast online landscape.”

This is from Shing’s bio page with AOL’s “leadership team.” We could be charitable and maybe say that he didn’t write it himself, but you know he did. How the fuck can you say you “spend most of your time watching the future take shape across the vast online landscape?” Shouldn’t you, oh, I dunno, spend most of your time trying to make the corporate entity that employs you competitive in the vast online landscape? A great way to identify these new digital hucksters is that they’re still wedded to old-school Bruce Sterling-esque descriptors of the Internet as a “landscape,” a physical place, and of themselves as Peerless Explorers in it.

7. “Mocal”

In December of 2013, Shing made the rounds pitching “what your brand needs to be if it wants to remain relevant in the social space.” And that was.. “mocal.” A grotesque portmanteau of “mobile” and “social,” it basically comes down to… making your social strategy available on mobile devices? Like, uh, every successful social network already is? Oh, except for AOL, but I said “successful.”

6. “Apps are a rubbish concept.”

The best things about “prophets” is that they’re expected to make predictions, and those predictions are almost always wrong. Shing spoke at the London Web Summit in early 2012 and laid down all kinds of laughs like “Email is hot. Expect a 256% increase in ROI for email.” Again, look at the number there: two hundred and fifty-six percent! Where’d that number come from? But best of all was the apps line, in which Shing predicted that in-browser HTML5 sites would replace standalone apps in the phone / tablet market. Two years on and that’s not coming anywhere near happening, so good job there.

5. “People are going to cluster in small villages or tribes and understand that they can have deep, intimate communications there.”

Also from the deleted video, this is Shing’s latest hot idea – that large-scale social networks are on the way out, to be replaced by a Balkanization of user bases towards something more local and intimate. Sound familiar? It’s basically the same idea behind Patch, AOL’s attempt at creating local news sites that lost the company $147 million in 2011. The concept was such a disaster that a holding company that owns 5.3% of AOL’s stock basically said “fuck this shit, stop doing this now” and made them sell it off at a huge loss. So what is ol’ Shingy doing? Evangelizing the exact thing that failed spectacularly without a hint of irony. Good job, buddy. Smart attention to the product.

4. “I don’t want people to know that I still listen to Dolly Parton”

This is from one of millions of dumb fucking interviews but let’s be honest with here: the songs of Dolly Parton have more beauty and emotional resonance than anything David Shing has ever touched with his idiot fingers.

3. “What really does drive me is the awe in people. If I’m inspiring people, if people are inspired by what I say and I see it in their eyes afterwards, that’s why I do it.”

We’re back to that Greek interview again for this hilariously self-aggrandizing quote. Hands up out there, who feels “awe” when they listen to David Shing talk? Maybe if you contextualize it as “awe that a Fortune 1000 company is willing to throw money down the toilet,” sure, but who can honestly say that  they’re inspired by this half-baked fluffernutter? Who listens to these presentations and TED talks and thinks “Oh, right, wearable computing, I’ve never heard of Google Glass because I live in a moron hole, maybe this guy’s on to something?”

2. “With almost eight billion people on the planet and 50% of those under the age of thirty who have never known life without the Internet…”

And this, really, is the core of David Shing. He automatically assumes that, if you’re under the age of thirty and on the planet Earth, you’re an internet user. Wow. four billion customers! Notwithstanding that fact that almost 75% of the Earth’s population does not have access to the Internet But why should that stop David Shing? He’s got a big number to say! Facts are for the gearheads and the wonks who actually make things and create value for their employers. I’m David Shing! I just fountain out bullshit onstage at TEDxBumfuck and paint my fucking nails!

1. “I am excited for what 2014 could mean for brands and people!”

I just can’t. Who the fuck can say with a straight face that they’re “excited for what a year means for brands.” Guess what? Brands are shit. Loving brands is loving shit and being a “prophet” for brands is sitting at the bottom of a toilet bowl and praying for turds to come. Having David Shing on your payroll, AOL, does not add a single cent to your profit margins or improve the user experience of a single customer. But he sure does give you lots of opportunities for articles like this.

Bonus: “Please go away animated GIFs.”

If there was ever a single Tweet that could sum up why somebody shouldn’t have a job, this would be it.

“5 Signs you were born on a year, any year, it doesn’t matter, just click; we are a race of creatures who feed on clicks, we are all plugged into the internet forever by a tiny cord”

1. You exist
Right? You totally do. There is no way this is a dream manufactured by a ever-glowing, stronger-growing God who initially cared about us but who is now bored…so bored. Yea, you definitely exist

2. Things happened
In the years since your birth you have experienced events, moments in time that only someone who exists could experience. You have shared those experiences with others who also exist. No doubt you have read an article, not different from this one, assuring you that everyone, all of us, has experienced these events. Of course they have. They’ve all been here right beside you. When you were born, when you learned that God was bored. They were right beside you when your grandfather got sick. They all cried when he told your father he always loved him, even though he never said it. They all wondered why your father didn’t cry; they were crying. But, then again, they are always crying.

3. You are always crying
Like the others around you, nostalgic for something you have never known, a salty liquid flows constantly from the holes that humans call eyes. But you aren’t sad. That is a salty liquid of joy. Joy is that thing you felt before, in those past years, when you experienced something…when God cared.

4. The hole that humans call mouth is always moving
But are those words coming out? No. It isn’t breath either. It is wind. Fierce gusts surging from your soul. The soul is the hole that humans are trying to fill. Your soul is currently full of beautiful crystal-fronted devices. You can touch their slick screens, you can access all of those shared experiences, you can steal images of those holes that humans call eyes and mouth. The screens will never dim. They always glow brighter, more intense… just like something you know…something so familiar.

5. That crystal-fronted device, that fills the hole that humans call soul, that glows like something you’re nostalgic for, something you have never experienced, needs to be charged. Read more

Meet The Ungrateful Twitter Teens Who Don’t Know What Benghazi Is

Republished from our newly-acquired sister site TwitchFeed: It’s Twitter News For Old People

Tiwtchfeed

Snark alert! While we adults were getting steamed at Sean Hannity’s explosive report that Barack Obama was walking his dog while the Benghazi diplomats begged for backup, these real-life Pajama Boys were out #failing around on teh interwebs because they don’t even know what Benghazi is! If you ask me, these good-for-nothing young people deserve a veritable Derp Award. Hang on to your hats and get ready for some Twitter gold, folks:

Screen Shot 2014-02-11 at 9.23.51 PM

Screen Shot 2014-02-11 at 9.30.04 PM

Screen Shot 2014-02-11 at 9.30.44 PM

Screen Shot 2014-02-11 at 9.26.12 PM

Screen Shot 2014-02-11 at 9.32.12 PM

Screen Shot 2014-02-11 at 9.31.29 PM

 

Screen Shot 2014-02-11 at 9.33.36 PM

Screen Shot 2014-02-11 at 9.36.44 PM

Screen Shot 2014-02-11 at 9.37.46 PM

Screen Shot 2014-02-11 at 9.36.08 PM Screen Shot 2014-02-11 at 9.24.39 PM Screen Shot 2014-02-11 at 9.42.32 PM

Who Said It: Jacques Lacan or Ted Nugent?

Some of these quotes were by French psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan; others were by Motor City Madman Ted Nugent. Can you tell who said what?

1. A geometry implies the heterogeneity of locus, namely that there is a locus of the Other. Regarding this locus of the Other, of one sex as Other, as absolute Other, what does the most recent development in topology allow us to posit?

2. We kill pigs with machinegunsfrom helicopters to save the environment what r u doin

3. Obsessional does not necessarily mean sexual obsession, not even obsession for this, or for that in particular; to be an obsessional means to find oneself caught in a mechanism, in a trap increasingly demanding and endless.

Jacques Lacan

4. Bruno Mars is surely 1 of the greatest vocalist/entertainers that has ever lived

5. Goodluk America u just voted for economic & spiritual suicide. Soulless fools

6. We emphasize that such a form of communication is not absent in man, however evanescent a naturally given object may be for him, split as it is in its submission to symbols.

7. Cant liv w/o my ThermaCell heated boot inserts. Helps me stay warm & kill many beasts! Im puttin 1 in my pants

8. Here there’s a radical difference between my non-satisfaction and the supposed satisfaction of the other. There is no image of identity, of reflexivity, but a relation of fundamental alterity.

9. We are Ted Nugent & The Nigerian DriveBy Rebels & we will FunkBrother groove u to death

10. Hey Bob Costas we all kno that obesity is a direct result of the proliferation of spoons & forks Get a clue

Ted Nugent

11. Freud describes a dream as a certain knot, an associative network of analysed verbal forms that intersect as such, not because of what they signify, but thanks to a sort of homonymy. It is when you come across a single word at the intersection of three of the ideas that come to the subject that you notice that the important thing is that word and not something else. It is when you have found the word that concentrates around it the greatest number of threads in the mycellum that you know it is the hidden centre of gravity of the desire in question. That, in a word, is the point I was talking about just now, the nodal point where discourse forms a hole.

12. Just cleansed my soul witha prfct aro thru the pumper of a sika doe. SpiritMeat now.

13. In honor of Black History month I’m joining the NAACP My black brothers and sisters need me now more than ever I am Motown FunkBrother1

Answers after the jump:

Read more

7 Great “Fast and Furious 7″ Quotes to Make You get Epic Feels (spoilers)

Hi im always been the best fan of fast and furious films. these films are great and include such stars as vin diseal, Rock Man, and Paul Walker before he got killed by illuminati aliens RIP PAUL WALKER

but we have to move on ebcause the legacy of paul walker, FAST AND FURIOUS will have a new sequel. will it be as good as fast and furious 1, or 2, or maybe 5 or 6? im not sure but i hope that in this one theres as many exciting fun with cars and sexy babes and interesting complex plots.

not much is known about the new fast and furious but ive got some secrets for you, yes its some quotes! theyre a big vague but maybe it will shed light on the plot of the film! will The Rock Dwayne Johnstan come back as the FBI agent turned raceman? Will we finally get some resolution on the Crystal Niggerdeath plotline which has been building since Tokyo Drift? save that SPECULATION for the FORUMS okay here we go

7. “remember to channel the ghost spirit in to the car, make the car an extension of your bones”Chip Ridefast

6. “damnit how are we gonna lose all the cops?” “mate I dont know but youd better figure something out fast!” “okay!” *pushes turbo boost* “phew we got away” – exchange between John Strapco and Denny “The Lizard Liutenant” Vaudeville

5. “Mama mia thatsa big pizza pie!”Joey Race-alot

4. “hit that nasty NOS kid”Speedy Hitler

3. “Man we busted the car crime drug ring cheif but we still dont have the low-down on Mystery Minx” “Ahh Mystery Minx, the most evil gangman of all of Techno City”Detective Smith and his chief, Dracula

2. “When a tide comin in, thats when the fish are easiest to catch, and you cant catch fish if you aint got a rod, shorty” *drives off in his nissan maxima w/ koi fish painted on the side*Lupin Charmange (as played by notorious rapper Lil’ Bastard Mane)

1. “Dale”Pitbull

What City Should You Actually Die In?

What city should you actually die in? Take this quiz and find out!

What color is your phlegm?

 

A) Blood Brown

B) Grippe Blue

C) Choleric Umber

D) Pulmonary Puce

E) Ravaged Red

F) Burial Black

G) No phlegm (???)

What shade is your skin?

 

A) Pallid as hell

B) Ghastly hue

C) Death tones

D) Sallow

E) Jaundiced

F) Translucent / No skin

G) Healthy shade

How would you describe your breathing?

 

A) Death Rattle

B) Bloody Hacking Cough-a-palooza

C) Heavy, like an anvil dropped on a baby’s skull from a penthouse window

D) There are demons tearing apart my lungs

E) All Gasps Everything

F) Suffocation, no breathing

G) Steady

Describe your heartbeat

 

A) Weak

B) Threaded

C) Frayed

D) Unravelling

E) Just strong enough to tie a noose to hang myself with

F) Thunderous, like the bowels of a starving tiger

G) Not abnormal

What will you say to Satan as he greets you upon dying?

 

A) Hail Satan

B) Hey Satan

C) Hi Satan

D) Hellooo Satan!

E) Howdy Satan

F) Hail and well met, Satan

G) Other

What’s your favorite flavor of coffee?

 

A) French Vanilla

B) Hazelnut

C) Somethin’ Pumpkin

D) Dat Vanilla Bean

E) Dark Ass Roast

F) Decaf/Other

G) I prefer tea

Got all your answers? It’s time to find out which city you’re meant to perish in!

Step one: add 10 for every ‘A’ answer

Step two: add 6 for every ‘B’ answer

Step three: subtract 5 for every ‘C’ answer

Step four: multiply by 2 for every ‘D’ answer

Step five: divide by 3 (round up!) for every ‘E’ answer

Step six: add 1 for every ‘F’ answer

Step seven: add 100 for every ‘G’ answer

Death is certain.

Your quiz result does not matter. The dark will claim your soul regardless of where your puny corpus expires. Location is inconsequential to the unavoidable nothingness that awaits you, so enjoy that coffee while you still can.

Be sure to share this quiz on Facebook and compare with your friends!