8 Reasons To Keep Submitting FeedBuzz Articles in August 2014

Why would someone write an article for FeedBuzz in August, 2014? Well, here are the reasons.

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8. The DailyDot article

DailyDot wrote a really big article about FeedBuzz in 2013 where they mentioned Twitter “celebs” by name. Maybe they’ll do it again, and mention you!

7. It’s not cool anymore, which means it’s really cool

Maybe you’ll start a trend! Or, more accurately – restart this trend, from 2013

6. Brand solidarity

You can tell friends and coworkers you had an article published on FeedBuzz recently which will sound impressive at first

5. Harassment

The guy who reads and approves these articles is 40 years old and of vague social / financial status. Maybe he has something better to do, maybe not. You’ll find out if you start submitting FeedBuzz articles

4. Clickhole might go bankrupt

“The Onion” is already on a subscription model, and Clickhole depends on direct corporate sponsorship to stay afloat. In the time between you submitting a FeedBuzz article and the time it’s posted, there’s a slim but strong chance Clickhole won’t be online anymore. Then FeedBuzz will be the only ironic listicle site on the web – and whose article is going to be up on top? Yours

3. Falsifying academic resources

Although FeedBuzz is moderated, no one associated with it wants to be thought of as a moralist or spoilsport, so literally anything will get accepted. So why not just submit completely serious unsubstantiated articles with zero pretense, and cite them as a resource in your own academic schoolwork or writing? Let’s say you’re a legal student – why not submit a FeedBuzz article called “O.J. Simpson Lost the Murder Trial and Went to Prison in 1994“, and cite it in your thesis?

2. Marketing

I don’t know how many people browse FeedBuzz daily, but it’s probably a couple. Maybe they want to buy a beautiful shirt, hoodie, V-neck, singlet, sticker, iPhone case, tote bag, throw pillow, or duvet from your RedBubble store?

Ryan Dell @ RedBubble

1. A desperate need to be loved 

I’m a very lonely person

5 Dog Breeds That Will Blow Your Mind

You may have seen a dog or two in the wild. They’re practically everywhere! From cute memes to every white girl’s instagram, it’s not hard to see a dog. But did you know there are some dog breeds out there you probably never thought you’d see? Look no further than this list, you may be shocked what you see…

 

1. Golden-Haired Beach Guardians

In centuries past, these majestic beasts were spoken of only in legend. Soldiers and warriors storming beaches in war would often tell tales of watching the sand-colored canines emerging from their underground burrows to try and fend off attackers. It wasn’t until 1937 when a researcher by the name of Augustus Phillips discovered the dogs on the coast of France; the dogs were decidedly friendly unless their homeland feels threatened. They have an intricate system of tunnels beneath the beaches of Normandy where their colony resides. No one has ever been able to successfully domesticate one of them.

 

2. Quadrupedal Troll-Dogs

In recent years, these dogs have grown quite popular with younger generations. Troll-Dogs, named for their striking resemblance to Troll Dolls, can be traced back hundreds of years to their evolutionary ancestors, horses. They have long bodies and typically thick fur, and through environmental adaptation their dogs can now range anywhere from a bird call to a truck horn.

 

3. Welsh Meandogs

These dogs have a long-fabled history. Known as one of the most widely aggressive dogs, Meandogs have earned their name. They are not known for physical aggression, but are instead famed for their ability to make their victims feel really really bad about themselves. Very few can be successfully domesticated and they can often be spotted in the wild in Wales. Travelers and tourists are often advised to wear noise-cancelling headphones when traveling in Meandog territory to avoid hearing their mocking laughter.

 

Sorry that you can kind of see a dog dick here

 

4. Sad Grandpa Dog

The Sad Grandpa is one of modern society’s least known breeds, but they are also the most beloved by those who own them. While simultaneously being very cheerful, these dogs are known to remind you of that time your grandpa remembered a dear friend he lost many many years ago. Unlike a grandpa, however, they do not like hard candy.

 

5. HELL DOG

DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THESE DOGS. DO NOT TOUCH THESE DOGS. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEIR TERRIFYING HOWLS. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE INDOCTRINATED BY THE HELL DOG, BECAUSE NO PERSON HAS EVER BEEN SEEN AGAIN AFTER COMING IN CONTACT. CALL FOR HELP IMMEDIATELY

Top 5 Best Stan Lee Movie Cameos

The only thing better than a good movie is a good superhero movie. And nothing puts a goofy grin on a frazzled filmgoers’ face faster like seeing comics legend Stan Lee up on the big screen. But what the best five Stan Lee appearances? And can they be ranked in descending order?

 

5. Stan Lee talks to Peter

At the end of this fancy flick, Peter is at a tough point in his life, but gets a big ol’ pep talk from our good old buddy, Stan Lee. Good on you, Stan!

 

4. Stan Lee… security guard?!?

In this classic superhero movie, Stan Lee walks past the camera… in a security guard uniform? I wouldn’t know what it’s like to be a security guard. But that’s not a problem for this character played by comics legend, Stan Lee!

 

3. Who’s drivin’ that tow truck? Stan Lee

In this epic, cosmic Marvel flick, Stan Lee’s a man’s man! He bravely sacrifices his tow truck to help out his trucker friends. This character has a lot of friends and a drivers license, so his life is like a weird parallel to my own, except I got my license two months ago.

 

2. Stan Lee eating out of the fridge

When I lived alone in Byron Bay last year, I didn’t own a car, so I had to walk about 20 minutes every time I wanted to get groceries. But I was also pretty depressed at the time, so I ate a lot, although that’s not really a valid reason since I’m just enabling negative behavior. It wasn’t uncommon during this time of my life that I’d be walking across the Byron highway by myself four times a week, carrying a six pack of Coke and a bag of M&Ms in eco-friendly Woolworths cooler bag, while a Monaco bar I bought at a gas station on the way home was hanging out of my mouth. And when I got home, I’d put my Coke in the fridge – just like the fridge Stan Lee owns in this movie!

 

1. General… Stan Lee?!?!

In this historical Marvel flick, everyone’s favorite comic legend Stan Lee appears as an army general! Being a general is pretty manly and cool, this character probably knows what it’s like to not be a virgin.

What To Do If You Get Ebola

The Ebola virus (e. coli) has claimed the lives of over 60,000 West Africans, and experts say it’s only a matter of time before this tricky disease spreads to one of the good countries. The Obama administration has already imported two Americans stricken with Ebola and has plans to bring hundreds more into the country. If you don’t want to get Ebola and die, or if you currently have Ebola and are dying, here’s what you need to know.

1. Take Precautions

The best treatment for Ebola is not getting it in the first place. Major risk factors for contracting Ebola include having regular contact with an infected person, keeping mysterious vials and tinctures in your home, being born on an even-numbered month, and breeding. If you find yourself at risk of infection or are caring for one who is infected, follow these steps to ward off the disease:

- Start washing vegetables and fruit before you eat them. Also, be sure to cook meat instead of consuming it raw.

- Everyone in your family needs to start vaping electronic cigarettes. The vapor that we mammals enjoy creates an inhospitable environment for the Ebola virus.

- Do not interact with any strange viruses. Avoid street interactions with well-dressed strangers inviting you to participate in a game of skill or chance.

- Keep all jungle excursions/adventures to a minimum.

- Under no circumstances should you write a fan sequel to a popular film if you do not own the intellectual property rights to the franchise.

2. Know The Symptoms

12589121091760302935J_Alves_germ_3c.svg.hiThe first sign of Ebola is a general feeling of being tired right after you wake up in the morning. The disease can also cause you to be anxious or stressed, particularly about money or co-workers. The Gold Standard of Ebola diagnosis is detecting if you have a nightmare where you die. This is caused by your body’s immune system trying to warn you of the viral threat. The only way to be certain of such a nightmare is by writing down your dreams right after you wake up and loudly describing them to everyone you meet throughout the day. This is why the Centers for Disease Control recommends that everyone keep a medical-grade dream journal, which can be bought at any Spencer’s. Sorry Indians, but dreamcatchers are only 30% as effective at diagnosing Ebola.

3. Plan Your Treatment

Doctors and hospital workers refuse to treat people with Ebola out of fear that they too will catch the infection — and who could blame them? Fortunately, it’s not hard to set up a hospital room using everyday objects lying around your house. Start by placing two full-sized beds in the room separated by a shower curtain. Always dress them with white linen sheets, although cream or off-white will do in a pinch. Get a TV tray to use for meals and a bucket for you to crap in. For a washbasin, use tupperware and a garden hose. Hang a flat screen TV high on the ceiling where it’s difficult to view.

You will also need to pressgang friends and family members to play doctor. Young children are often enthusiastic to play the doctor, and while this is cute, you absolutely need a male adult for this role. Children are more suited to clean the crap bucket. The doctor must wear a white lab coat (make this out of curtains or tablecloth — be creative!) with a stethoscope (headphones connected to an oven knob or pog) and clipboard (placemat and rubber bands). The doctor’s responsibility to come in once a day, look at your chart (cat with a line drawn on it) and frown, then tell you you’re going to die. Nurses and nurse’s aides should be equipped with simple pastel uniforms, Crocs, and needles or nails for regular bloodletting. To monitor your heart rate, loop this video on a laptop:

4. Contemplate Your Mortality

You are presently going to die, like all of your ancestors have and your progeny one day will. On a cosmological scale, your achievements, if any, have been meaningless and will be undone by the inexorable march of entropy. Touch upon your essential nature as a collection of atomic particles that have been organized into a being capable of reflection. Ask yourself if sentience presupposes life after death, as if the mere act of Being were too great to be limited by the physical restraint of a fragile human body. If this were indeed the case, then what of the liminality between Homo sapiens and their evolutionary ancestors? At what point is a creature imbued with a sentience that, divinely perhaps, makes one’s soul immortal? Consider the animals you have killed believing them to be incapable of your higher order of thought and wonder if an entity even higher still would treat you kindly. Remember that the Ebola virus does not have the biological structure necessary for what you recognize to be complex thought, yet is nevertheless a distant cousin of humanity, bonded with you solely by the strange illumination of matter we call Life. Is it your obligation to treat the Ebola virus with love merely because it is a living creature, not inert matter? Are you obligated, then, to give your body to the virus, to sacrifice yourself passively on its behalf? Somewhere along this line of thought you should find peace. If you don’t, try again, perhaps with the assistance of a professor of philosophy or theology at your local community college.

5. You’re Cured!

Congratulations! It was really touch-and-go for a while, and we didn’t think you’d pull through, but in the end, you were just made of tougher stuff. Treat yourself to a modest celebration and continue with your life. And be sure to sound off in the comments section below with your own best Ebolahacks.

Thanks to Dr. Arie Rumantir, Rev. Cary McEntloch, and Prof. Richard Wu of Alpert Medical School of Brown University for contributing to this article.

After Rejecting a Cease-Fire, Hamas Proposes a New One

JERUSALEM —  Israel and Hamas went back and forth on Sunday over proposals for a humanitarian lull in the fighting in Gaza, underscoring the external and internal pressures on both sides and a reluctance by each to appear to be led or dictated by the other.

By afternoon, Hamas, the militant group that dominates Gaza, had called for a new 24-hour pause, hours after Israel had declared one over in response to a barrage of rocket attacks from Gaza into its territory.

The Israeli military said in a statement shortly after 10 a.m. Sunday that it was resuming its aerial, naval and ground activity in the Gaza Strip “following Hamas’s incessant rocket fire throughout the humanitarian window” that had been meant to last from midnight Saturday through midnight Sunday.

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Some Israeli politicians have begun talking of the possibility of escalating the offensive against Hamas and other Palestinian militant groups, now in its 20th day, as intense international efforts over the weekend to press for an immediate, broader cease-fire appeared to have failed.

Huge clouds of smoke could be seen rising from the eastern neighborhoods of Gaza City that run close to the border with Israel, and fewer Palestinians were out on the streets than had been on Saturday.

But on Sunday afternoon, Hamas backtracked and said “resistance groups” would agree to a new 24-hour truce starting at 2 p.m. local time. A Hamas official in Gaza released a statement saying that the decision came “in response to the intervention of the United Nations” and out of understanding for the people of Gaza who are preparing for Eid al-Fitr, the holiday that ends Ramadan.

There was no immediate response from Israel. Asked on the CNN program “State of the Union” whether Israel would accept the offer, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel replied: “Hamas doesn’t even accept its own cease-fire. It’s continuing to fire at us as we speak.”

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On Sunday afternoon, sirens wailed in Israeli communities close to the border, warning of incoming rocket or mortar shells from Gaza.

More than 1,000 Palestinians have been killed in Gaza, most of them civilians, according to the Palestinian Health Ministry and monitoring groups.

The ministry said that at least 10 people were killed by Israeli fire on Sunday and that three more died from wounds they had sustained. Around the time that Israel called off its truce in the morning, two Palestinians believed to be militants were killed in a strike as they rode on motorbikes east of Khan Younis.

An Israeli reserve soldier was killed overnight by mortar fire from Gaza as he waited in a staging area along Israel’s border with Gaza, according to the military, bringing the total number of Israeli soldiers killed since the beginning of the campaign, on July 8, to 43. Three civilians in Israel have also been killed by rocket and mortar fire.

Seven rockets were fired into Israel on Sunday morning. Two were intercepted by Israel’s Iron Dome antimissile defense system, and five fell in open ground, causing no injury or damage, according to the police. More barrages were fired toward evening.

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In an interview on the “Fox News Sunday” program, Mr. Netanyahu said, “Israel is not going to let a terrorist organization determine when it’s convenient for them to fire at our – at our cities, at our people, and when it’s not, when they can restock.”

Prof. Shmuel Sandler, a political scientist at Bar-Ilan University near Tel Aviv, said that Hamas, too, “feels it cannot accept even a humanitarian cease-fire when it is not the one that sets the time.” Among other things both sides are concerned with saving face, he said.

The wrangling over even a brief, humanitarian truce also reflected one of the main disagreements between Israel and Hamas regarding any temporary cease-fire. Pending a comprehensive agreement, Israel has continued to search for and destroy Hamas’s underground tunnel network, which has been used by militants to infiltrate Israeli territory. But Hamas says it will not accept any extension until the troops left Gaza.

Lt. Col. Peter Lerner, a spokesman for the Israeli military, repeated on Sunday that Israel would “continue to operate against the tunnels” and said that the 12-hour lull on Saturday had proved that Hamas was able to control other groups in Gaza.

Atai Shelach, a former commander of the combat engineering unit in the Israeli military, told reporters in a telephone briefing that the only way to deal with the problem of the tunnels was to have soldiers in Gaza. He said Israel had discovered up to 40 tunnels and scores of access points, and had destroyed several of them.

“We are in the middle of the operation,” he said, adding, “We won’t find all of them, and once we go out, they will start digging again.”

While Hamas said it was responding to the United Nations and was taking the needs of Gaza’s residents into consideration in seeking a new cease-fire, Mr. Netanyahu was facing political pressure from partners in his governing coalition and from some ministers within his own party not to take the pressure off Hamas.

Naftali Bennett, leader of the right-wing Jewish Home party, issued a statement on his Facebook page on Sunday morning saying: “Israel stands at a historic decisive moment. It is possible to defeat Hamas decisively and to dismantle its rockets and tunnels.”

He contended that Israel was winning the current conflict and that with the Israeli public united in support of the operation, this was no time for a cease-fire that would allow Hamas to regroup. Addressing Hamas, he added: “No cease-fires, no lulls, no discussions. You have our phone number. When you are ready to demilitarize, call us.”

Shaul Mofaz, a centrist member of the Israeli Parliament and a former military chief of staff and defense minister, told Ynet, a leading Hebrew news site, on Sunday that Israel had enough troops inside Gaza and stationed along the border to take the ground operation to “the next stage.” He recommended “exacting a direct price from Hamas’s leadership.”

This article written by Dings and copyright 2012 feedbuzz and geirge w, bush

Editor’s Note: An Announcement To Our Readers

Here at FeedBuzz we’re always looking for better ways to content. When we see an opportunity, we take it.

After carefully reviewing more than 500 of former BuzzFeed writer Benny Johnson’s posts, we have found 40 instances of sentences or phrases that we’d love to have copied word for word to our site. Benny is one of the web’s deeply original writers, as is clear from his body of work. This is why we are proud to announce that we have offered Benny the position of Viral Feedbuzz Politics Editor.

FeedBuzz started one year ago as a laboratory for content. Our writers didn’t have journalistic backgrounds and weren’t held to traditional journalistic standards, because we weren’t doing journalism. And we never will.

Today, we are one of the most active content-producing sites on the web. On the journalistic side, we have a handful of otherwise unemployed freelance writers around the United States and the world, with free reign to post whatever the hell they want. We must — and we will — hold ourselves to the same no standards we were founded on. Similarly, the people who produce our immensely popular [citation needed] entertainment [citation needed] have raised their game dramatically, focusing on creative and ambitious work on other websites. We have more responsibility now than ever to keep that content flowing. YOLO. Ronald Reagan.

Phrases I Use Despite Not Understanding

“I owe five G’s in Vig”

“Laissez faire”

“Bipartisan vote”

“Give her the old Cleveland Steamer”

“Speed metal”

“C’est la vie”

“People’s Republic of China”

“Purple kush”

“I love you”

 

Is hotdog a sandwich? A thinker’s reply

America is extremely big. No matter where you go it’s there you can smell it.

Never more so, than on this day, JUly the 4th, aka Hotdogs Day.

As a great thinker of the cyber realm whose opinions are relied upon by literally countless of the lost souls of social media, I feel it behooves me to weigh in on the ponderous debate, sparked by commentators at other sites, http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/jul/03/is-a-hot-dog-a-sandwich-nature-america etc: Is hotdog a true sandwich? For to ponder the question is to ponder the very nature of America itself.

First let’s bust a few myths. Dispel a few rumors.

1. Sandwich is not the invention of Earl Sandwich

Yes, of course the name of sandwich comes from the Earl, but if you think he invented this great meal you are a fool. What we now know as sandwich was invented in mediaeval Croatia and spread (no pun intended!!) after the kingdom fell to the Ottomans. Look it up. Just a little history lesson for the “bloggers” out there who shudder to cast a researching gaze beyond Wikipedia.

2. The essence of Sandwich is not in its name

To define Hotdog or not within the category “Sandwich” by attempting a thorough explication of what constitutes “Sandwich” is to proceed ass backwards if you will pardon the expression. Of course in asking the question what we really mean is does the hot dog have the quality “sandwichness”. We can no more approach the fundamental sandwichness-or-otherwise of hotdog by asking “Is hotdog a Sandwich?” than we can get a sensible answer to, e.g., “Is eel a fish?” or “Is nine inch nails a Band?”.

We have collectively fallen into the trap of language itself, the language of our thinking. If only we had heeded Korzybski’s call to replace our tired linguistic frame with E-Prime, banishing therefore the verb To Be in all its forms, and with it, the deadly seductive mindhole of Identification.

But i digress. Nothing is to be gained from poking and prodding the word “Sandwich” like a pinata laden with brightly wrapped nuggets of concrete meaning.

3. A hotdog, no, is NOT a sandwich

Take a look at the hotdog:

Now look at sandwich:

It’s not even the same shape.

4. On tacos

Mate if you even try to tell me something about taco is a sandwich i swear I’ll punch you

HAPPY AMERICA DAY!!

Top 4 Timely Replacements for FeedBuzz

“What the hell have I done with my life?” I ask myself as I clear out a dozen pages of bogus article submissions from a Polish spambot with a hard-on for selling fake designer purses on a list website. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I just wanted to be cool and popular online without expending any effort. Why is my website bad now? The answer doesn’t matter. FeedBuzz can’t be saved. Not when there’s this list of four timely replacements:

 

1. ClickHole

Brought to you by The Onion, ClickHole is a scathing take-down of placeholder pages. With the big budget and high caliber writers room that The Onion brings to the table it’s no surprise that ClickHole will handily bury the ugly corpse of FeedBuzz. Requiescat in pace.

 

2. BuzzFeed

These guys are still around. They have an even bigger budget than The Onion. Like, way bigger. The Koch brothers pay the bills in the BuzzFeed offices. Have you seen their cafeteria? They’ve got like.. Chef Gordon Ramsay over there, probably. Since they take so much blood money, I mean. They can afford him, at least, if they wanted.

Anyways, they’ve packed their writers room full of jerks. Those guys are way more depraved and shameless than any of the internet weirdos I could find to give me free content. BuzzFeed is such a massive media entity it can’t help but parody itself better than any outsider could. Best of all, BuzzFeed will never die.

 

3. FeedBuzz Digest

Yeah, it’s time to unveil the thing I’ve been working on. It’s called FeedBuzz Digest, or maybe FeedBuzz 52. I don’t know, I haven’t worked out those details yet. It’s gonna look like the front page of Slate or Newsweek or something. Bahahaha, it’ll be hilarious. Like a weekly thing, or maybe bi-weekly I don’t know. It’s going to be so good you guys. All I need to do is sit down and figure out the details and then move from WordPress to whatever Slate uses or maybe Kinja? I don’t know I guess I’ll do some research on that for a while. Then I need to make a new logo. But once that’s set up I’ll get some semi-permanent contributors and it’ll be just like the good ol’ days except better. Even cooler and more content and everybody will think I’m fun again.

[Editor's note this will never actually happen.]

 

4. Medium

They’ll let anyone post on Medium now, right? Wouldn’t it be easier to just put stuff there? You could have your blistering listicle parody right up alongside someone’s serious thinkpiece on how birth control shaped the Millenials generation or something. I might submit one of my own later. Except, I’m out of ideas for how to make people think BuzzFeed is bad. It seems like it’s all been done, y’know?

Top 7 Most Memorable Spongebob Episodes

1. The one about selling chocolate

Fuck, what was this one called?

 

2. The one where Spongebob screams about water

I didn’t actually like this episode, but I remember it pretty well.

 

3. The “Mermaidman and Barnacleboy” episodes

These episodes all had Roman numerals in their titles, I think.

 

4 – 7. Readers’ choice