Let’s say you ever find your way into a boardroom meeting at Goldman Sachs. (Which, who am I kidding, you’re some neo-ironic 18-25 year old. But play along here, I’m proving a point.) Sure, some of the people around you are bald or could lose some weight, but how many of these people are truly abominably ugly? Even the grossest weirdo in that room doesn’t have a single wart, boil, or scar on their body.
The statistical averages among successful people prove it. You wanna be somewhere in this world, you gotta preen all ugly or deformed people from your life and break out the ProActiv. You’re no good at maintaining your hair, so you should probably shave it off and go on whatever the opposite of Rogaine is. Whatever you’ve got to do to be a real power player in this dog-eat-dog world.
Now I’m not saying, specifically, that because someone is ugly, that also means they’re stupid. According to Variety articles I’ve read and loose anecdotes I’ve heard about people with Downs Syndrome, sometimes ugly people aren’t always necessarily intellectually-subhuman bottom feeders. But the statistics are on my side when you consider that the vast amount of people I’ve met in my life who are ugly have also turned out to be intensely, undeniably stupid. So when I say that you should erase all stupid (and therefore ugly) people from your life, remember that I’m also just working off of statistical trends data.
So without further procrastination, lets count off the major ways that someone can prove to you they’re objectively ugly and should be preened from your life.
1. Brown hair, with faded blonde streaks
Ever met a smart, passionate go-getter who had loose strands of Peroxide wisping off their skull? Neither have I. If you see someone who has a couple strings of blonde hair amidst a bush of a brunette hair-do, it means they got a bleach job and couldn’t commit to it. This means either they lack self-awareness, they’re too lazy to get it removed, or they’re delusional. In all three cases this suggests that the person underneath those sad strands is mindbogglingly stupid.
Coincidentally, two of the girls I’ve met in my life who’ve had this stylin’ do also had fetal alcohol syndrome and couldn’t do basic arithmetic, but even a normie showing off this tragic look is communicating to you on a subconscious level, “Do not involve me in your life.” Take note of the warning signs and stay away, you’re not gonna find any of these miserable psychotics cashing in on $800k worth of their Snapchat stock.
2. A shirt with holes in it
Either this person is too poor to afford a new wardrobe, or they don’t have the presence of mind to see that their clothing is damaged. The only exception here is if it’s a cute girl and the hole lets you see part of her boobs. Otherwise, the message is clear – don’t engage.
The only witty crosseyed person I’ve ever known is a made-up Marty Feldman reciting the beautiful wordplay of Mel Brooks. In real life, every crosseyed person I’ve ever known has been a disgusting and off-putting presence. As a basic rule: I don’t think anyone with diverted focus problems is gonna be buying a yacht any time soon.
This one’s a bit unfair, I admit, because it’s not a conscious choice like most of the other options on this list. But I’m sure there’s a special type of contact lens, or laser surgery you can get to fix this. Listen, it’s not my job to look into this, it’s your job to look presentable in decent society. Slap on some sunglasses.
4. A Bad Profile
If you ever get nominated for an Oscar, look around at your fellow upperclassmen. Notice how unbelievably attractive they are. These people, the cultural, financial and intellectual elite of our society, are all blessed with symmetrical faces and pleasing profiles. Even at a lower class event like the Tradesmans Oscars or the Emmys, notice how few hunchbacked people or facially deformed people there are in your vicinity. Even Lena Dunham, considered “TV ugly”, has clear skin and smooth eyebrows. The ugliest writer on the worst sitcom in the world is still physically gorgeous enough to appear on the cover of Vogue.
The objective measure I use to see if someone has a bad profile – look at them from the side, and try to imagine their silhouette in a Presidents’ Museum exhibit. If you can’t connect the dots, well, I guess you’ll have just another person to wipe off your iCal.
5. Low Klout Score
We’ve already established that beautiful people are smart – and no smart, proactive paradigm-shifting go getter can afford to not have a robust and fleshed-out social media presence. And, hey, you can’t afford to buy followers via a corporate aggregate – you’re probably pretty stupid.
This five tips are conclusive and comprehensive – use them to guide you through your new life as a beautiful, rich genius. Can’t wait to see you on the front page of Defamer!