We’ve all been there, right? Awkward situations I mean. We all have them. If you don’t, please keep reading anyway. We’ve been bribed by the good folks at Dragon’s Blood Elixir to make this article, so strap yourselves in and please click all the banner ads on this page before you leave.

The following are real, unedited awkward social situations and 100% authentic descriptions of the sauces that saved me from them.


It’s a cool evening at my friend Josh’s house. We’re enjoying our beers and the basketball game on TV. I think it was the Cavs and the Warriors. The volume was low because we were blasting LCD Soundsystem. This is just how we party.

Things are great, I can’t stress this enough, at this party I’m at. Then my buddy Armand shows up and Ellie is in the doorway behind him. Armand’s name isn’t the only irritating thing about him: he’s also just brought my ex-girlfriend along as his plus one to this until-very-recently-chill evening. The break up with Ellie was messy, and we are not on good terms, Ellie and I. Armand and I are not on good terms now either. What the hell, man.

I don’t want to be at this party anymore. Not only is my ex here, but the Cavs are not doing so hot. But how am I going to excuse myself without making things even more uncomfortable? Just then I think of the killer condiment I used on my meal earlier that day. “Excuse me, Josh,” I announce to the room loud enough for everyone to hear, even with LCD Soundsystem blaring, “I have just remembered something and I need leave now.”

Josh is skeptical. What’s this thing I’ve remembered and why is it so important? So I tell him, once again loud enough for all partygoers, Ellie included, to hear. “I have a bottle of Dragon’s Blood Elixir Unique Destiny Smoky Maple Garlic Bacon at home and I want to put more of it on my food.

Unique Destiny Smoky Maple Garlic Bacon hits you right away with some serrano pepper hotness. A clean blast of pepper warmth and a hint of smoke. It doesn’t end there, though, my friend. You’re also getting tastes of maple, garlic, and bacon. Yes, just like the words in the name of the sauce itself. The maple sweetness compliments the heat in a really fascinating way. The bacon merges with the chipotle and serrano smokiness like they were born to be together. And the garlic? Who doesn’t love garlic.

What I’m saying is: this sauce is fresh. The flavor, the ingredients, all of it. There’s this hint of apple aftertaste too and its blowing my mind just thinking about it. I must leave now and have more of this sauce.”

As my review finished so too did the final track on the LCD Soundsystem album This is Happening, aptly titled ‘Home’. Exit stage left. Later that evening I got a text from Ellie. “u were so cool at josh’s party. hey whats the name of that sauce u were yelling about??”

The Situation: Running into an ex at a party
The Sauce: Unique Destiny Smoky Maple Garlic Bacon


Out to dinner with the guys. It’s me, Tom, Josh, Evan, Ben, and Armand. Yeah I know I should still be mad at him but he’s part of the crew. Plus, how can anyone be mad when we’re chowing down on sushi. This is great.

We’re polishing off spicy tuna rolls, tempura shrimp rolls, some roll with eel on it that I missed the name of. Evan is enjoying big slabs of sashimi. The rest of the guys are too dazzled by the flashy rolls, but I respect Evan’s decision. Everything is great, no awkwardness in sight. Then the bill comes.

We’re passing the bill around, tallying up what we owe, and throwing in cash. Once around the table and we’re done, right? Wrong. Short almost $20. Okay, one more time. Another pass and… still short $4? Okay, did you guys remember to count tax? Yes? Alright, what’s going on here. Evan and Josh even included tip already, so how are we short $4??

Tom makes the bold suggestion that we get out a calculator, or maybe ask the waiter if he can split the check for us. Armand is strangely opposed to this idea. Things are getting drawn out and uncomfortable and I don’t like it. There is discord among friends.

“Wait!” I exclaim, “Listen to this. We need to work together. Like the ingredients in the Unique Destiny Cajun Honey Mustard sauce.” The boys nod in understanding. They remember this delicious sauce from last week’s wing night.

“The apple puree, cider, and vinegar team up with the honey to deliver a sweet platform for the spicy brown mustard to ride in on. The lines blur between mustard, hot peppers, garlic and cajun spice. A bright, spicy combo that rides across your tongue, leaving a satisfying linger of heat. There’s some sea salt in there too, and I’m not sure what that does. It’s definitely important though. Armand, that’s like you. You’re the sea salt.”

My comparison of our group to  a good and enjoyable sauce reignited the spirit of cooperation. Armand reached into his wallet and began to tell us something. “Guys, I gotta admit I-” Oh, but what’s this? An interruption! “Excuse me, gentlemen,” the waiter cleared his throat. “The chef has informed me that your meal this evening will be on the house. Comped. Gratis. Free of charge. There’s just one condition: you must tell us the name of that delicious sauce you just described!”

“Why of course! That name is Dragon’s Blood Elixir. If you check my blog later I’m doing a sponsored post about their products.” So long awkward situation, hello free meal.

The Situation: Settling the check after going out to eat with my bozo friends
The Sauce: Unique Destiny Cajun Honey Mustard


I’ve just landed at the Sea-Tac airport for an excellent three-week vacation in the Pacific Northwest. The sort of luxurious getaway you can afford when you make as much blog ad revenue as I do. Sorry to brag. I’ve said my polite farewells to the airline staff, exited the plane, and I find myself at the big carousel. As soon as I get my bags I can begin my vacation.

You already know where this is going, right? Who among us doesn’t know the dread of watching the carousel for luggage. After waiting half an hour for the bags to start popping out the chute, I watch the other travelers reunite themselves with their belongings one by one. Is that one mine? No. No, not that one either. Everyone uses black bags. I make a mental note to buy luggage in a different color next time. I file the note away with the other identical mental notes I’ve made on every other trip I’ve ever taken.

This is excruciating. I want to go home. There’s no more bags left. The carousel stops. I look around the concourse or whatever this area is called and it’s virtually empty. Baggage claim, I think its called. Which part is the concourse? Snap out of it that isn’t important. All my stuff is in there! This can’t be happening.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” I tell the nearest person I can find with some sort of uniform on. I’m slightly out of breath even though I’ve been just standing around for the better part of an hour now. “Are there any other bags? Is there another truck with more bags coming, maybe?” She shakes her head no. She looks sympathetic, but that’s not helping me right now.

“I’m not sure what I should do! All my clothes were in there, and a little pouch with my toothbrush and all that stuff. And, of course, my trusty bottle of Dragon’s Blood Elixir Hot Sauce. It’s guaranteed to cure bland food, and its also good for what ails you. That’s what it says on the label and its true. I know the food here is great, but sometimes you want to add some hot sauce. I like the habañero heat, the fire roasted salsa flavor, and that interesting hint of apple that seems to haunt your mouth. In a good way, like a friendly ghost. Best of all, the sauce is made in my home state of Connecticut, so I’m never homesick when I bring my sauce.”

“Did you say apple?? Sorry, I overheard you talking about your situation and this wonderful sauce. I’m a famous Italian fashion designer.” Sure enough, it was. I’m not allowed to tell you his name but trust me its the most famous one. “I’m here visiting Washington for inspiration for my new Fall line. Incidentally, I happen to love apples and hot sauce and I’d like to help you out. I’ll lend you some of my suits to wear during your trip.” Wow, I couldn’t believe it!

While I’m thanking the must-remain-anonymous designer, a TSA agent taps me on the shoulder. “Sir, we gave our luggage-sniffing dogs the description of that hot sauce and we found your bags on the runway.” She was holding both of my bags. What luck! “Now, normally I don’t do this, but do you think we could all have a taste of that sauce?” We all had a good laugh and yes, of course I shared.

The Situation: Lost luggage
The Sauce: Dragon’s Blood Elixir Signature Hot Sauce


It’s my favorite time of the day: time to eat. I’ve got the day off from work, Ellie is coming over later, and I’m about to prepare myself a big lunch with some of my favorite hot sauces. I’m in a great mood.

I open the fridge door, pull out the sandwich ingredients and then reach for the bottles of sauce. Wait, hang on a second where are they? This can’t be right. Where is the Smoky Maple Garlic Bacon? Where’s the Cajun Honey Mustard? Where’s the tried-and-true Signature Hot Sauce?? That’s when I see Ray.

Ray is my roommate Amanda’s live-in boyfriend. I mean, he’s not on the lease but he’s here all the time. He doesn’t pay rent or utilities but he still treats this place like home. Another thing he doesn’t pay for: groceries. Which is why its strange that Ray has a few drops of sauce on his shirt. I think we all know what happened here.

“Ray, can I talk to you for a second? Did you use up my sauces, man? Not cool.” He denies it. Says he might have tasted one by accident once but it was nothing special. Nothing special?? Now I know he’s lying. “Hey Ray, I’ve actually got one more bottle of sauce left.” His eyes light up. This guy must love the taste of Dragon’s Blood Elixir sauce as much as I do. “I’ll let you try it on two conditions: Condition one, you admit you like the sauce. Condition two, if you try this stuff and its too hot for you to handle, you gotta pay for the next 5 orders I place on DragonsBloodElixir.com.”

It’s a deal. He is such a sauce-hound he doesn’t even stop to consider this might be a trap. He reads the label on my secret weapon. “Unique Destiny Scorpion Bowl? What, does it taste like those drinks at the Chinese restaurant?” He laughs. I drizzle a bit into a spoon and he pops it in his mouth.

I can read it on his face as he goes through each stage. The aroma of the pineapple, apricot, orange juice, and cherry hits his nose first. He thinks this is going to be a breeze. Then, the pin prick of heat radiates out across his tongue as the pepper works its magic. You see, the scorpion pepper is one of the hottest peppers on the planet. There is a reason for the skull and cross bones sticker on the bottle cap. Ray’s nose is running a bit. His eyes are watering too, I think some of the sauce touched his lips. He lasts about 15 seconds before he’s scrambling to pour himself a glass of milk.

“You win,” he says between gulps of the milk I paid for, “this sauce is too hot for me to handle. The fruit sweetness combined with the intense scorpion pepper heat is an incredible and complex flavor sensation that I was not prepared for. I pledge to uphold my end of the bargain.”

The Situation: Ray is a mooch
The Sauce: Dragon’s Blood Unique Destiny Scorpion Bowl

I hope you’ve all learned something today, be it ways to turn awkwardness into opportunity or just the name and web address of the hot sauce company that sent us free stuff. For a non-awkward time, choose Dragon’s Blood Elixir at DragonsBloodElixir.com.

The Evolution of the American Epic and Our Top Five Favs

by @hauntedmiracle

Well, citizens, it’s that time again. The boys are all lined up and ready to do some old fashioned politicking, and it’s our duty to probe and prod the warm doughy bodies of these presidential hopefuls and choose the best in show. Which of these fine young men and women have what it takes to lead these great United States? That, my fellow Americans, is for you to decide. We all have our favorites. Hell, I know I’ve got mine. I keep a poster of him hanging on my bathroom mirror to kiss each and every morning. Who is it? I’m not one to kiss and tell. But let’s not forget what this race is really about. We are all trying to find our one true American Hero. We hunger for the good times when Rough Riding Teddy Roosevelt was in office. Knowing that a powerful American Hero was enveloping our great nation in his strong arms filled us with confidence that has long since evaporated and left us shriveled and weak. Our frail little limbs snap like twigs as we raise our fists skyward and scream for justice against the wicked demon sent down by Allah to dissolve our once great nation with his venomous spittle. We’ve become twisted and perverse, and so have the legends we craft about our political heroes. The big sticks and cherry trees of the past are now replaced with butt plugs and homosexual lust, and let me tell you, I couldn’t be happier.

Who among you can honestly say that you are satisfied after watching the debates? Those quivering hairdos and tension so thick that you can’t help but wonder how any of them are able to breathe. These debates ignite the same flames our ancestors felt burning in their hearts when they watched the gladiators fight wild beasts in the arena. Our loins ache as we tune in to watch the boys go at it and hope that one of them will finally give into their bestial urge to rip the other candidates apart and smear the blood all over his rippling muscles as he lets out a guttural hoot or holler. Well, fear not, friends; you are not alone. There are hundreds of others just like you and I who yearn for the epic tales of old and have decided to take matters into their own hands and dream up stories that will surely be passed down for generations. I’ve compiled a list of my favorite modern tall tales featuring our future legends. Sit back, unzip, and enjoy this showcase of modern American epics.

Inside Hillary Clinton

“I was stunned for the second time in as many days. Hillary was wearing a pretty demure one-piece suit, but it didn’t hide much. She was gorgeous! All those stuffy business suits had disguised a killer body.”

Who wouldn’t want to spend a hot night getting a little wild with their favorite candidate? In this particular tale, our hero John’s dreams are finally coming true as he lands his dream job as the campaign manager for Hillary Clinton herself. But it’s not enough. John wants more, and he’s finding it harder to contain his lust as he gets to know the future Commander in Chief. Not only is she the perfect candidate, but she’s got a killer body to boot! A story of desire for power, sex, and the American dream. This is a tale destined to become an American classic that will be told for years to come.



Gun Control: An Erotic Political Fanfiction

“Rick was confused. What was this that he was feeling? It was…pleasure. Yes, Rick began to realize he was enjoying himself. Yes! Yes! The pain was exquisite; this was the most pleasurable sexual experience he had ever had.”

Gun control. Is there a hotter topic in the mouths of Americans than this issue? That is debatable, but one thing that is surely scorching is this tale of forbidden love between Republican Candidate Rick Santorum and Democrat Elizabeth Warren. Rick is faced with a challenge that could change the very constitution our great nation is based on, and it is no small task. The tension is building, but Warren knows just what Santorum needs to calm his nerves. A purple strap-on dildo.



Here’s the Jerry Jones/Chris Christie Fan Fiction You’ve Been Praying Nobody Would Write

“He touches my hand, and I’m flooded with sensory pleasure. His scent overtakes me, that unimprovable concoction of sweat and cologne permeating his formless red sweater, returning me to every memory of New Jersey I can gather from even the most obscure and distant recesses of my mind. His stare penetrates me, its boyish smirk balancing its powerful fullness, like a handsome, hedonistic Roman emperor.”

Where do I even begin with this one? It has it all. Sports, sex, and a hint of mystery. Anyone who knows anything about Jerry Jones and Chris Christie can tell that there’s a little something special going on between these two, and this piece delves into what might happen if they were to finally let their emotions take control. I must warn you that this one ends with a cliffhanger, but it delivers just as much fuel to the babymaker as any other. Just imagining these two behemoths going at it in the sack is more than enough to get anyone with the smallest glimmer of a libido going all night long.



Men and Women

“A woman enjoys intercourse with her man — as she fantasizes being raped by 3 men simultaneously.”

Few legends are ever told from the point of view of the heroes themselves, but this is not the case with this classic yarn spun by the big man himself. That’s right, folks. These days it is rare to find a presidential candidate worthy of claiming the title of “Wordsmith”, but this is a badge Senator Bernie Sanders wears with pride. Yes, citizens, I’m talking about the 1972 American erotica classic “Men and Women”. In this piece Sanders delves deep into the human psyche and examines what makes us tick, and since we are sexual beings, things get a little explicit in this hot little number. Rape fantasies? Yes please! Bernie knows how to keep the home fires burning without letting them consume the whole house. Hot enough to make the sweat drip down onto your lover as they caress your throbbing genitalia to completion.



John Mayer and Donald Trump

“The Donald loves a good ball licking.”

Donald Trump running for president. It was inevitable. Ever since this fire-headed heartthrob hit the scene, we all knew he would rise to the top some day. He’s a model for the American dream. A marble statue slathered with apple pie. How could anyone not want to imagine this homegrown hero fogging up the windows with one of the greatest musicians of our time? However, I must provide a warning. Our hero Trump meets with a tragic end in this particular tale. It is not for the Trump fan that is faint of heart. Luckily for the blessed citizens of America, Future President Trump is far more powerful than his fictional counterpart, and I have no doubt that a similar sexual situation would leave The Real Donald Trump satisfied and eager for his next encounter.


Islamic Wizards Have A Plan And You Won’t Believe What The Plan Is

Whether its shooting cartoon men with the lightening bolt, or shooting Jews with lightning bolt and other spell, Islamic Wizards are taking the world of Europe by storm.

You can always tell when they are near, when you see a man in wizard robe, hat, beard, and magic wand, saying some Harry Potter stuff and looking mean.

Islamic wizards have learned computer.

But did you know the wizard has now learned computer? Now its hard to tell, when you have a large disagreement on line, if its a regular guy on the other end, an Islamic wizard trying to rile you up. He can turn you into a frog.

Watch out for this one!!

Whats his plan? He wants every one to learn magic. Watch out for him now. Hes coming down the computer line to get the gamers and blogmen. He wants you to give away you Dawkins religion and anime things. He wants you to leanr all the spells and shoot lightning with him.

Terrible things are happening.

Please be safe out there. Always be cyber safe and respect computer. Watch out for the wizards plan.

The Official “Which A Christmas Story Character Are You?” Quiz

You know this movie. Are you the boy? The dad? One of the others? This, the official five question quiz, is for you to find out!

This quiz is powered by special Konks Institute demographic scanning technology. Concentrate hard on your answers and by the time you’ve reached the bottom of the page, we’ll have already calculated your results!



  1. What do you like best about Christmas?

    1. I like to cook for my family.
    2. I like getting presents.
    3. I like the Wizard of Oz.
  2. Do you like Christmas turkey?

    1. I sneak some of the turkey early because I like it so much.
    2. I’m a Bumpus dog.
    3. I do the piggy eats thing from the film.
  3. Have you ever done swears at Christmas?

    1. No, I would wash the mouth with soap.
    2. I swear in the basement from furnace.
    3. I said the F dash dash word, haha.
  4. What do you want for Christmas?

    1. I want the rifle.
    2. Bowling ball that would be funny.
    3. A football, also from the movie.

  5. What’s your favorite scene from the thing?

    1. Shoot the robbers fantasy
    2. Ralph brings the fruit basket
    3. Mom pounding on the bathroom door



We’ve tallied up your score and here’s the results. You got:


Mr. Bumpus

He has the dogs. You have the dogs. You're him. The Bumpus dog owner.


Pretty accurate, right? Share this on Facebook and Twitter and have your friends be scanned into our demographic database too.

Why I Prefer the Over-65 Zumba Class to All Others

1. It’s run by the honor system. No one checks IDs.

2. They refer to all pop stars by their first names and ethnicities.

3. They don’t know the moves, but they keep moving.

4. Every dance is called cha-cha, salsa, or shake-it.

5. Judgment free zone.

6. I’m neither the best nor the most fit, but I’m up there.

7. The hookup culture.

The ‘New’ New Beverly

by Vince Eckert

Recently I’ve been going to the New Beverly Cinema in Los Angeles a lot. A LOT. In fact, I’ve been to one of each of the screenings so far in October. Why am I doing this? If you’re not around LA you may not have heard: Quentin Tarantino is doing the programming there for the whole month of October. Everything being shown is on film – actual film, the analog media on which movies were made until recently.

If you’re a filmhead and a longtime fan of his work like me, that’s some pretty exciting stuff. I decided I would take the whole thing in and write a experiential-academic essay about it (gonzo academia, weird twitter, that stuff is me after all). This is not that essay – that is going to be a longform piece about the movies themselves and my relationship to them, this one is about what’s going on there behind-the-scenes right now. This piece is my opinion, not an attempt at unbiased journalism.


So what’s happened? Well, there have been some bumps in the road to QT’s takeover of the theater and lots of people are talking about them.

The New Beverly was started by Sherman Torgan in 1978 at the present site at Beverly / La Brea and run more or less continuously ever since. In recent years, it’s fallen on hard times with the rise of the small screen as a thing, so Tarantino stepped in and started subsidizing it. The details are somewhat murky about when this started happening and how much money was exchanged, but the point on which everyone seems to agree is that QT propped it up and kept it from closing down. Eventually he came to own it. After Sherman’s death, his son took over the business for a while. Some people liked the way he did things, some people didn’t. In either case, Tarantino decided that he wanted to try his hand at running it. This is where the first controversy starts.

Did Tarantino do all that out of a love for the venue? Or for the medium of film? Or was he plotting to take it over all along? I think he loves that theater and wants what’s best for it. To him that probably means taking a personal hand in the business. I doubt very much that he cares about the money he could make off of it or the prestige of owning it, it seems like he’s a New Beverly fanboy writ large. That’s great, in fact that’s perfect, right? Somebody who is in love with the theater and the medium should be the perfect person to steward it! I sort of think that way too, but like anything in life it’s never that easy.

The New Bev has a loyal fanbase that has gone there for years. There’s a certain culture there – a sort of down-to-earth, casual, anything goes vibe. This is your weird neighborhood theater to hang out in, the kind that would do midnight rocky horror screenings for all the misfits zipheads and dweeboids. Before and after screenings, and during intermissions, people generally stand outside and have opinions on films. Big opinions. People are understandably very protective of this tradition. There are also several longtime employees there too that many in this scene are familiar with and basically consider extended family. Recently, one of them, Julia Marchese, was let go after she refused to sign an NDA under the new arrangement. I don’t need to speak for her, you should just read the blog post she wrote about her experience there. She also recently made a documentary film about the place that she links to in that post, which I watched and thought was quite good.

This is where the second controversy comes in. Is the above mentioned kerfluffle a sign that Tarantino is trying to hollywoodize the place, jazz it up and steal all its character? Or is it just the kind of growing pains any business taking a new direction has to go through? My gut feeling as somebody who has been going to all these screenings lately is the latter. Why?

For four of the screenings I’ve gone to so far, Quentin Tarantino was actually present. And not just present, but in many ways treating the place like he was a restaurateur and this was his new flagship restaurant. Saying hi to people, making the rounds to talk, answering every question people asked him about the films being shown, if they were brave enough to walk up and ask him. It was really fucking cool and one of the least Hollywood things I’ve seen while I’ve been in Los Angeles.

I doubt very much that he’s always going to have time to do that, given he’s still actively making films, but the fact that he would do that at all says a lot to me about his intentions because, ideally, that’s what the programmer should do. Not just decide what’s being shown – but be present sometimes for the screenings, stimulating the conversations people are already having about the films, not just being some draw to get butts in the seats but an active part of the conversation. I hope that’s what continues to happen.

I don’t know what things used to be like before he took over, but if that’s what it was like when other people were programming then god bless him for maintaining the tradition. If that’s something he’s just doing on his own, that’s a really positive change. Of course, the caveat is that he’s still a big star, so as was inevitable a sign went up saying that he won’t be posing for photos or signing autographs if he’s in attendance, but come on, that’s understandable. As long as that doesn’t stop him from going into film-professor-mode when he’s there and stimulating the discourse, who cares.

I really hope whoever does the programming next does that too. I think the New Beverly can go a long towards bringing back film culture if it does. And I definitely don’t think it’s going to turn into a multiplex.


Just to let you know where I stand in regard to all this: I am not friends with Quentin Tarantino and the only interactions we’ve had were in the context of the New Beverly. I am not friends with Julia Marchese either, although I interacted with her at the New Bev as well. They were both super nice to me. I have never met the Torgans. I’m not on anybody’s payroll and I’m also not going to accept any compensation for this piece, because I’m doing this for film, not as a way to line my pockets. I have declined Feedbuzz’s normal commission of half a pack of open starbursts.

I also haven’t asked anyone to comment. If either Julia or Quentin wishes to write a rebuttal after reading this, however, I would be happy to post it at the end of this piece.

17 Goodass Movie Ideas to Spook You Out for Halloween

It’s a good time for spook outs because it’s not so hot anymore. I’m talking about the outside weather. Ghosts and ghouls, which are a type of ghost, eschew the heat. If a ghost is haunting up your place, simple crank up the furnace. They’ll ride out to greener pastures. I assure you of this.

The point is that real life spook outs are not in any way cool or nice. But we have make pretend movies we can watch to get our spooks in and when we leave the movie house we’re safe instead of terrorized by haints.

Last year I made a list of movie ideas and I’m not in a good thinking mode so I’m doing it again, but this time the movie ideas are new. Hollywood should take note, because there’s six weeks till Halloween. Plenty of time to make some spooky shows for people.

Read more

10 Things My Toddler Hates

Pouting_Baby_with_RattleA while ago, I found this thing on the internet about all the things a toddler hates. It’s full of super cute stuff and it’s delightful.

But I had a hard time relating because the things my three-year-old hates has nothing to do with cute. In fact, his list is dead serious and sometimes quite ugly. And it’s only growing by the day.

Here’s my list of the things my little miracle hates and what he’s said about them:

1. Global Warming

“No one likes being hot.”

2. Salt and Pepper

“What’s the point?”

3. The Green Sippy Cup

“That thing is cursed.”

4. Bigots

“I hate those motherf*&@*#$*#@$#”

5. Congressional Hearings

“Hey Congress, I’ve got a better idea: Get back to work. Christ.”

6. Rain

“I’m like a gremlin, don’t get me wet motherf$*#&$&^#^&$.”

7. Anti-Depressants

“Come on. It’s like, get happy stupid.”

8. West Coast Rap

“I’m straight East Coast, motherf$&#&$*#&$”

9. Spinach

“I don’t give a sh*$&# what it does for Popeye. Get that green apocalypse away from me.”

10. Prison

“I ain’t going back there. Ever.”

Kid’s got a real mouth on him, doesn’t he? Man.

But what about you? What does your toddler hate? What does he like? Do you even HAVE a toddler?

4 Naruto and Naruto Shippuden Opening Credits Scenes That I Wish Encapsulated My Life

by Barry Toast (tt)

I live quite the life. Like the noble monk, I am in a state of constant solitude and study[1]. Like a modern day Tony Montana, I have seen cocaine once and own two video game consoles[2]. Like the mightiest of mountains, I do not have sex. I live like a prince. Hell, I live like Prince! And yet, even a prince must occasionally yearn for the quaint trappings of peasant life, and like that prince[3], I occasionally desire an existence outside of the one I currently experience. These four Naruto and Naruto Shippuden opening credits scenes, which I have discovered during my studies, ultimately encapsulate lives that would make great replacements for my own.

  1. Naruto Opening 5


Watch how the story unfolds during the credits: it’s visual, frenetic, and hey, even the pudgy guy is involved! These three things demonstrate a future I wish I had; a past I wish I experienced. Also notice how the inclusion of friendship is demonstrated by Naruto’s willingness to save Sasuske with his fellow compatriots, in spite of the many dangers he may face. Inspiring! I yearn for this level of friendship that I have never once experienced. Now, do not get me wrong, I do have a lot of friends. My Uncle Gershon is an incredible friend for example; he sends me a check for 25 dollars every year! My custom made BoShek lego is a noble friend as well[4]. However, I could never imagine going the distance for my uncle that Naruto went for Sasuske. Poor Gershon, helplessly flailing and complaining about the poor state of kosher delis in Dallas and the surrounding suburbs as he is taken away by the sound ninjas to Oorichimaru, who will ultimately use him as his next host[5]. Even he would recognize that it would be stupid of me to try and save him. I mean, for Pete’s sake, if that happened to my friend I would just call the local authorities, something Naruto has obviously forgotten about! Being very stupid[6], Naruto does not recognize how silly it is for him to go after Sasuske when the proper authorities could just help him, instead of going on the quest four other teenagers and failing like an idiot. I wish I was stupid enough to be noble and fight the toughest warriors for the sake of my dearest friends, and not wise enough to recognize how stupid that would be.

  1. Naruto Opening 2


The youth and power exuding from this opening credits scene sends chills down my spine! I would love to live a life where feats of teamwork, physical exertion, and valor helped shape my future. While I have personally never dabbled in sport, let alone a “Chunin Exam” with ninjas or warriors, I did spend my third grade summer at the Mt. Moses Summer Camp in Weimer, Texas! I did not learn the values of teamwork and determination however, and instead a fish bit me during my first morning lake swim. To this day I am still afraid of water, hiking, crafts, and most varieties of seafood. Had that fish not bit me, had those children not made fun of me for getting bit by the fish, calling me names like “Fish Boy” and “Pine Cone Fucker,” perhaps my life would be different now. I would perform more physical actions, have more friends, and maybe even have entered our world’s “Chunin Exam,” college.

  1. Naruto Shippuden Opening 7


Everyone has an edge…a twisted part of them that wants to fulfill their darkest desires. Look at Gene Simmons of television fame. He was once in KISS, splitting blood! Look at Goku, a humble messiah, and yet within him lies the dreaded Oozaru. The seventh opening credits scene of Naruto Shippuden brings out this darkness in me, this bad boy that has always wanted to roam free on some sort of motorcycle or hog. It shows an anti-heroic life I have always thought of living, one that involves me having many clones with super powers like magnetism and “Got Your Soul!” hands. I would enjoy having those powers so much. What Uncle Gershon, is this corned beef too dry? You know what I think is dry, my magnetism that is bending these forks into swears written in a cursive font, so please take note and fear me that’s what is really dry here! I wish I could live that life right now. There are truly two sides to me: the scholar, and the demon[7]. This video demonstrates the latter side: the havoc I would unleash, the terror I would bring upon the villagers of countless alternate worlds, the roguish good looks I could potentially have with many of my forms. I guess I better stop typing about this, because I’m starting to smell… brimstone.

  1. Naruto Shippuden Opening 10


Remember when I told you about my two sides?[8] Well, guess what, my inner demon was playing you the fool! There are really three sides to me, but this third I keep locked down for fear of causing a ruckus that may anger my neighbors. This third side of the rubik’s cube is my inner party animal[9]. In the old days[10] I used to rabble some rouse if you get my drift. I’m talking about staying up all night, playing Smash with my bros[11], slurping down energy drinks, et cetera, et cetera. I was rowdy. I was a renegade. I was rebellious! Once the Stevensons[12] moved next door however, the party was over. There were noise complaints, they called the usually hospitable Johnny Law on me, and before you could say ‘Kabuto,’ my cola nights and caviar dreams were finished. The fun in my life was soon replaced with the milquetoast banality of mid afternoon video games and late night pornography that I could only react to in hushed tones. Through this opening credits scene I imagine a life I could potentially have back and then some, one not only filled with dancing and partying all by lonesome, but a world where my fellow Chunin and I could vanquish demons while getting our boogie down on the dance floor. In this world they wouldn’t necessarily have to be warriors. I mean I definitely would not mind hanging out with a warrior, and if you are a warrior who wants to hang out please contact me on twitter and I would gladly dance with you, but anyone is fine. I just want to go out sometimes, and meet people, and dance in a club and have conversations that aren’t about deli meats or skin problems. Naruto makes it so easy… if only it were so easy…

[1] I have finished studying Star Wars and now I am studying Naruto.
[2] Wii, Wii U
[3] Prince
[4] Before you unimaginatively criticize this perfectly fine relationship, ask yourself: was Frankenstein not friends with his creation?
[5] Ha! Someone better warn Orochimaru about my uncle’s psoriasis!
[6] In literary terms, “the noble fool”
[7] Funny how it means “a servant of the devil,” and yet I would serve no one…
[8] The Scholar, The Bad Boy (Demon)
[9] I call him Cool Dan
[10] A year ago
[11] Uncle Gershon
[12] Fun Fact: I wish Stevenson meant “Orochimaru The Accursed” in Swedish

The Top Ten “You Go Girl!” Moments in Reptile Evolution

By Jason “Better Massage Through Science” Rhode (@iamthemaster)

Reptile evolution? Well, since the Japanese teens I talk to won’t be on for another six to seven hours, I can give you my own analysis of what this means. I used to just quote from my holy book on these affairs, but since my hardcopy version of “How To Lose a Guy In Ten Days” was cried upon by someone who had just been told by someone that someone had given him chlamydia, I’ll have to shoot from the gut. Oh, and all three of those someones are me, which just goes to show you can’t trust white people.

1. Reptiles move on land — WTF, right? Totally crazy!!!

Take cow farts. Some loono in the heartland, in between turns not listening to his children, has invented a machine that will process cow farts into miracles or some other wonder, whatever. It’s great that cow farts are being used, but what other parts of them are we co-opting these days? The Native Dutch of this country or whatever they were called, lol, used most of the buffaloo for their dark horrific religious rituals and eating rituals, the point is they used all of it, much as pornographer will scrape together every picture he can (it’s almost always a he, that’s one thing college HAS taught me) to make a moving picture, including elbows and playful war footage from the 1940s.

The buffaloo, was, if I’m not incorrect, and I never am, was a priced-to-family roomy sedan roaming the North American continent and parts of Florida (which was a kind of horrible mistake, even back then) for over 10,000 + years of mirth. Now, call me old fashioned, but when a father gets to a certain number of years, in his fifties, as I am, you start thinking, “Jeez, just how many mouths do I need to fill, besides the three that are on my own manbody?”

2. Sometimes a great notion — a notion of eating mammals! LOLWUT?

I tell ya, the wife never shuts up about my three holes. From her screams to god’s ears, am I right? Prayerful! But anyway, I hear that old ragtime music playing inside my head, which means it’s time to move on to what my lawyer calls “the confession, Oh Jesus, Mr. Rhode, don’t start weeping again, that doesn’t convince a jury you’re innocent at all.” To which I scream as a gentlemen “I WENT TO COLLEGE.” But in a totally cute way.

(Side note: If Oscar Pistorius’s name was pronounced as “Piss-Story-Bus,” with spaces and everything, would we forgive him? We probably would, if we thought of him more as a shaman, y’know, the kind that lives on yogurt during Burning Man, and not as a blade-footed cyborg that runs faster than us to murder blondes by the hundreds. What is he, a Japanese horror villain? Answer: yes. This is South Africa, which is equivalent to our own American South, except in Africa, and with less fat people. Let’s remember this is the country that elected Morgan Freeman president under the name of Nielsen Mandollar, and therefore anything is possible, and South Africa is a place where dreams take wing, except when those dreams are dating Oscar PissStoryBus.)

3. Lizards Make A Pact With Satan, Part IV

Back to cow farts, and my theories on The Matrix. I suppose what gets me is the hideous real realness of it. We already rest so much on the back of cows: meat, our political leadership, our standard of beauty. What next won’t we foist on the shoulders of these bovine, gentle morons?

“Turn to the cow,” as the Good Book says, the Good Book being “Stanfell’s Guide to Practical Boviculture, Fifth Edition,” at least in my household. Humans are great. Here are animals we took, genetically engineered it for our own benefit, much as we did Fat Albert, to produce beef and milk for us — again, the Fat Albert analogy holds here too.

These cows are creatures that can’t reproduce or survive without our help. Our relationship with them is similar to the public’s relationship with Disney Channel music stars; a strong enough frost would kill the lot of them, but whose fault is it that they’re in the world? God’s? No, God is off on a cloud somewhere, throwing grenades into atheist bake-sales and upgrading the hookworm, don’t look to him for help.

4. A Princess Among The Ruins: Amphibians Invent Language, Dissing.

We made the cow, and ASIMO the abomination on two legs, and the part of Reddit that celebrates baby weddings or some shit, and so the blame for the cow and its horrible, irreligious lifestyle falls upon us. I guess you could say … We “Had” a “Cow”! That’s a reference to the new show The Simpsons … lets all the “The ‘Bartman'”! Hahaha, current pop culture reference.

5. Nepotism

Not only did we make the cow, we made a lot of them, trillions if my numb3rs are correct, and since I joined BitCoin’s team, they usually are. If you’ll look on my pet project, CowWiki, you’ll see suggestive poses aren’t all that cows do — they’re not zoo animals, who are basically worthless parasites we laugh at when drinking craft brews. Cows provide us with beef, which is key in providing heart attacks, so we keep the population down. Unfortunately, thanks to someone (his name is Gary, and he lives at Hillcrest Lane in [REDACTED] town), more people are being born than ever before. That means more beef is needed, ergo, more cows.

6. Fuck: The Second Incarnation 

To sum up:

1) We take natural cows and make a hideous genetic clusterfuck out of them, and

2) We spread this Bruce Jenner mutancy far and wide as if we were the Johnny Appleseed of fuck-no.

At no point is this the fault of the cows. Now, that we’re really in danger of climate changing the world into some first-class blue-ribbon Castlevania shit, who do we fall back on? Who gets our hate, now that Shirley Temple’s dark-magic-infested corpse has been dumped into the volcanic cracks near Mount Doom?


Cows do.

We blame cow farts, since, God forbid, we should stop driving our cars to “BonerTown Frolics: The Musical” (this is my new musical, by the way, opening in every town worthy of mentioning) and wherever it is that all of us buy weed. Cows are only 25% responsible for our climate change problems, which is like explaining to my AA group that 25% of my self-esteem comes from the quotes written in my high school yearbook: true, but not really the meat of the problem.

7. Oh god why can’t I stop this is just a neurotic need I have LOLWUT? 

So we get to:

3) It’s all our fault, this global warming biz. How classic of us, when given the choice, between focusing on the 75% of climate change we make directly and the 25% our overbred moo-tants, we focus the blame on our blasphemous gene children.

We crowdsource our failures to everyone else, like a drunk cursing everyone at a wedding for making him fat with their secret jealousy of his swinger lifestyle. I see I’ve already brought too much autobiography into this scholarly work, but the public is a dreadful, fickle beast, and hopefully my truth bombs will act as a taser to fill up the eyeballs of readers with the pregnancy of fact. I don’t really get how human biology works, having spent most of my time today researching cows for this little commentary of mine.

8. Rise of the mammals, or how Stella Got Her Groove  Back

It’s already taken me away from my Judge Judy fanfic, and my series of paintings (they’re called “Bible Circus” for a reason people). Also, look for my series of musics this summer where I rap about ladies and fire off tiny guns to show how much I’ve grown in these last couple of years. I feel as if I’ve brought a little light to this thing we’re all in called “life.”