17 Goodass Movie Ideas to Spook You Out for Halloween

It’s a good time for spook outs because it’s not so hot anymore. I’m talking about the outside weather. Ghosts and ghouls, which are a type of ghost, eschew the heat. If a ghost is haunting up your place, simple crank up the furnace. They’ll ride out to greener pastures. I assure you of this.

The point is that real life spook outs are not in any way cool or nice. But we have make pretend movies we can watch to get our spooks in and when we leave the movie house we’re safe instead of terrorized by haints.

Last year I made a list of movie ideas and I’m not in a good thinking mode so I’m doing it again, but this time the movie ideas are new. Hollywood should take note, because there’s six weeks till Halloween. Plenty of time to make some spooky shows for people.

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10 Things My Toddler Hates

Pouting_Baby_with_RattleA while ago, I found this thing on the internet about all the things a toddler hates. It’s full of super cute stuff and it’s delightful.

But I had a hard time relating because the things my three-year-old hates has nothing to do with cute. In fact, his list is dead serious and sometimes quite ugly. And it’s only growing by the day.

Here’s my list of the things my little miracle hates and what he’s said about them:

1. Global Warming

“No one likes being hot.”

2. Salt and Pepper

“What’s the point?”

3. The Green Sippy Cup

“That thing is cursed.”

4. Bigots

“I hate those motherf*&@*#$*#@$#”

5. Congressional Hearings

“Hey Congress, I’ve got a better idea: Get back to work. Christ.”

6. Rain

“I’m like a gremlin, don’t get me wet motherf$*#&$&^#^&$.”

7. Anti-Depressants

“Come on. It’s like, get happy stupid.”

8. West Coast Rap

“I’m straight East Coast, motherf$&#&$*#&$”

9. Spinach

“I don’t give a sh*$&# what it does for Popeye. Get that green apocalypse away from me.”

10. Prison

“I ain’t going back there. Ever.”

Kid’s got a real mouth on him, doesn’t he? Man.

But what about you? What does your toddler hate? What does he like? Do you even HAVE a toddler?

4 Naruto and Naruto Shippuden Opening Credits Scenes That I Wish Encapsulated My Life

by Barry Toast (tt)

I live quite the life. Like the noble monk, I am in a state of constant solitude and study[1]. Like a modern day Tony Montana, I have seen cocaine once and own two video game consoles[2]. Like the mightiest of mountains, I do not have sex. I live like a prince. Hell, I live like Prince! And yet, even a prince must occasionally yearn for the quaint trappings of peasant life, and like that prince[3], I occasionally desire an existence outside of the one I currently experience. These four Naruto and Naruto Shippuden opening credits scenes, which I have discovered during my studies, ultimately encapsulate lives that would make great replacements for my own.

  1. Naruto Opening 5

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=at3hKtLY-vY

Watch how the story unfolds during the credits: it’s visual, frenetic, and hey, even the pudgy guy is involved! These three things demonstrate a future I wish I had; a past I wish I experienced. Also notice how the inclusion of friendship is demonstrated by Naruto’s willingness to save Sasuske with his fellow compatriots, in spite of the many dangers he may face. Inspiring! I yearn for this level of friendship that I have never once experienced. Now, do not get me wrong, I do have a lot of friends. My Uncle Gershon is an incredible friend for example; he sends me a check for 25 dollars every year! My custom made BoShek lego is a noble friend as well[4]. However, I could never imagine going the distance for my uncle that Naruto went for Sasuske. Poor Gershon, helplessly flailing and complaining about the poor state of kosher delis in Dallas and the surrounding suburbs as he is taken away by the sound ninjas to Oorichimaru, who will ultimately use him as his next host[5]. Even he would recognize that it would be stupid of me to try and save him. I mean, for Pete’s sake, if that happened to my friend I would just call the local authorities, something Naruto has obviously forgotten about! Being very stupid[6], Naruto does not recognize how silly it is for him to go after Sasuske when the proper authorities could just help him, instead of going on the quest four other teenagers and failing like an idiot. I wish I was stupid enough to be noble and fight the toughest warriors for the sake of my dearest friends, and not wise enough to recognize how stupid that would be.

  1. Naruto Opening 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8phIatHpdfo

The youth and power exuding from this opening credits scene sends chills down my spine! I would love to live a life where feats of teamwork, physical exertion, and valor helped shape my future. While I have personally never dabbled in sport, let alone a “Chunin Exam” with ninjas or warriors, I did spend my third grade summer at the Mt. Moses Summer Camp in Weimer, Texas! I did not learn the values of teamwork and determination however, and instead a fish bit me during my first morning lake swim. To this day I am still afraid of water, hiking, crafts, and most varieties of seafood. Had that fish not bit me, had those children not made fun of me for getting bit by the fish, calling me names like “Fish Boy” and “Pine Cone Fucker,” perhaps my life would be different now. I would perform more physical actions, have more friends, and maybe even have entered our world’s “Chunin Exam,” college.

  1. Naruto Shippuden Opening 7

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmrPAy8w7Qk&list=PLCC07C6040C0A882C&index=19

Everyone has an edge…a twisted part of them that wants to fulfill their darkest desires. Look at Gene Simmons of television fame. He was once in KISS, splitting blood! Look at Goku, a humble messiah, and yet within him lies the dreaded Oozaru. The seventh opening credits scene of Naruto Shippuden brings out this darkness in me, this bad boy that has always wanted to roam free on some sort of motorcycle or hog. It shows an anti-heroic life I have always thought of living, one that involves me having many clones with super powers like magnetism and “Got Your Soul!” hands. I would enjoy having those powers so much. What Uncle Gershon, is this corned beef too dry? You know what I think is dry, my magnetism that is bending these forks into swears written in a cursive font, so please take note and fear me that’s what is really dry here! I wish I could live that life right now. There are truly two sides to me: the scholar, and the demon[7]. This video demonstrates the latter side: the havoc I would unleash, the terror I would bring upon the villagers of countless alternate worlds, the roguish good looks I could potentially have with many of my forms. I guess I better stop typing about this, because I’m starting to smell… brimstone.

  1. Naruto Shippuden Opening 10

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9vcigAxDW4

Remember when I told you about my two sides?[8] Well, guess what, my inner demon was playing you the fool! There are really three sides to me, but this third I keep locked down for fear of causing a ruckus that may anger my neighbors. This third side of the rubik’s cube is my inner party animal[9]. In the old days[10] I used to rabble some rouse if you get my drift. I’m talking about staying up all night, playing Smash with my bros[11], slurping down energy drinks, et cetera, et cetera. I was rowdy. I was a renegade. I was rebellious! Once the Stevensons[12] moved next door however, the party was over. There were noise complaints, they called the usually hospitable Johnny Law on me, and before you could say ‘Kabuto,’ my cola nights and caviar dreams were finished. The fun in my life was soon replaced with the milquetoast banality of mid afternoon video games and late night pornography that I could only react to in hushed tones. Through this opening credits scene I imagine a life I could potentially have back and then some, one not only filled with dancing and partying all by lonesome, but a world where my fellow Chunin and I could vanquish demons while getting our boogie down on the dance floor. In this world they wouldn’t necessarily have to be warriors. I mean I definitely would not mind hanging out with a warrior, and if you are a warrior who wants to hang out please contact me on twitter and I would gladly dance with you, but anyone is fine. I just want to go out sometimes, and meet people, and dance in a club and have conversations that aren’t about deli meats or skin problems. Naruto makes it so easy… if only it were so easy…

 
[1] I have finished studying Star Wars and now I am studying Naruto.
[2] Wii, Wii U
[3] Prince
[4] Before you unimaginatively criticize this perfectly fine relationship, ask yourself: was Frankenstein not friends with his creation?
[5] Ha! Someone better warn Orochimaru about my uncle’s psoriasis!
[6] In literary terms, “the noble fool”
[7] Funny how it means “a servant of the devil,” and yet I would serve no one…
[8] The Scholar, The Bad Boy (Demon)
[9] I call him Cool Dan
[10] A year ago
[11] Uncle Gershon
[12] Fun Fact: I wish Stevenson meant “Orochimaru The Accursed” in Swedish

The Top Ten “You Go Girl!” Moments in Reptile Evolution

By Jason “Better Massage Through Science” Rhode (@iamthemaster)

Reptile evolution? Well, since the Japanese teens I talk to won’t be on for another six to seven hours, I can give you my own analysis of what this means. I used to just quote from my holy book on these affairs, but since my hardcopy version of “How To Lose a Guy In Ten Days” was cried upon by someone who had just been told by someone that someone had given him chlamydia, I’ll have to shoot from the gut. Oh, and all three of those someones are me, which just goes to show you can’t trust white people.

1. Reptiles move on land — WTF, right? Totally crazy!!!

Take cow farts. Some loono in the heartland, in between turns not listening to his children, has invented a machine that will process cow farts into miracles or some other wonder, whatever. It’s great that cow farts are being used, but what other parts of them are we co-opting these days? The Native Dutch of this country or whatever they were called, lol, used most of the buffaloo for their dark horrific religious rituals and eating rituals, the point is they used all of it, much as pornographer will scrape together every picture he can (it’s almost always a he, that’s one thing college HAS taught me) to make a moving picture, including elbows and playful war footage from the 1940s.

The buffaloo, was, if I’m not incorrect, and I never am, was a priced-to-family roomy sedan roaming the North American continent and parts of Florida (which was a kind of horrible mistake, even back then) for over 10,000 + years of mirth. Now, call me old fashioned, but when a father gets to a certain number of years, in his fifties, as I am, you start thinking, “Jeez, just how many mouths do I need to fill, besides the three that are on my own manbody?”

2. Sometimes a great notion — a notion of eating mammals! LOLWUT?

I tell ya, the wife never shuts up about my three holes. From her screams to god’s ears, am I right? Prayerful! But anyway, I hear that old ragtime music playing inside my head, which means it’s time to move on to what my lawyer calls “the confession, Oh Jesus, Mr. Rhode, don’t start weeping again, that doesn’t convince a jury you’re innocent at all.” To which I scream as a gentlemen “I WENT TO COLLEGE.” But in a totally cute way.

(Side note: If Oscar Pistorius’s name was pronounced as “Piss-Story-Bus,” with spaces and everything, would we forgive him? We probably would, if we thought of him more as a shaman, y’know, the kind that lives on yogurt during Burning Man, and not as a blade-footed cyborg that runs faster than us to murder blondes by the hundreds. What is he, a Japanese horror villain? Answer: yes. This is South Africa, which is equivalent to our own American South, except in Africa, and with less fat people. Let’s remember this is the country that elected Morgan Freeman president under the name of Nielsen Mandollar, and therefore anything is possible, and South Africa is a place where dreams take wing, except when those dreams are dating Oscar PissStoryBus.)

3. Lizards Make A Pact With Satan, Part IV

Back to cow farts, and my theories on The Matrix. I suppose what gets me is the hideous real realness of it. We already rest so much on the back of cows: meat, our political leadership, our standard of beauty. What next won’t we foist on the shoulders of these bovine, gentle morons?

“Turn to the cow,” as the Good Book says, the Good Book being “Stanfell’s Guide to Practical Boviculture, Fifth Edition,” at least in my household. Humans are great. Here are animals we took, genetically engineered it for our own benefit, much as we did Fat Albert, to produce beef and milk for us — again, the Fat Albert analogy holds here too.

These cows are creatures that can’t reproduce or survive without our help. Our relationship with them is similar to the public’s relationship with Disney Channel music stars; a strong enough frost would kill the lot of them, but whose fault is it that they’re in the world? God’s? No, God is off on a cloud somewhere, throwing grenades into atheist bake-sales and upgrading the hookworm, don’t look to him for help.

4. A Princess Among The Ruins: Amphibians Invent Language, Dissing.

We made the cow, and ASIMO the abomination on two legs, and the part of Reddit that celebrates baby weddings or some shit, and so the blame for the cow and its horrible, irreligious lifestyle falls upon us. I guess you could say … We “Had” a “Cow”! That’s a reference to the new show The Simpsons … lets all the “The ‘Bartman'”! Hahaha, current pop culture reference.

5. Nepotism

Not only did we make the cow, we made a lot of them, trillions if my numb3rs are correct, and since I joined BitCoin’s team, they usually are. If you’ll look on my pet project, CowWiki, you’ll see suggestive poses aren’t all that cows do — they’re not zoo animals, who are basically worthless parasites we laugh at when drinking craft brews. Cows provide us with beef, which is key in providing heart attacks, so we keep the population down. Unfortunately, thanks to someone (his name is Gary, and he lives at Hillcrest Lane in [REDACTED] town), more people are being born than ever before. That means more beef is needed, ergo, more cows.

6. Fuck: The Second Incarnation 

To sum up:

1) We take natural cows and make a hideous genetic clusterfuck out of them, and

2) We spread this Bruce Jenner mutancy far and wide as if we were the Johnny Appleseed of fuck-no.

At no point is this the fault of the cows. Now, that we’re really in danger of climate changing the world into some first-class blue-ribbon Castlevania shit, who do we fall back on? Who gets our hate, now that Shirley Temple’s dark-magic-infested corpse has been dumped into the volcanic cracks near Mount Doom?

Cows.

Cows do.

We blame cow farts, since, God forbid, we should stop driving our cars to “BonerTown Frolics: The Musical” (this is my new musical, by the way, opening in every town worthy of mentioning) and wherever it is that all of us buy weed. Cows are only 25% responsible for our climate change problems, which is like explaining to my AA group that 25% of my self-esteem comes from the quotes written in my high school yearbook: true, but not really the meat of the problem.

7. Oh god why can’t I stop this is just a neurotic need I have LOLWUT? 

So we get to:

3) It’s all our fault, this global warming biz. How classic of us, when given the choice, between focusing on the 75% of climate change we make directly and the 25% our overbred moo-tants, we focus the blame on our blasphemous gene children.

We crowdsource our failures to everyone else, like a drunk cursing everyone at a wedding for making him fat with their secret jealousy of his swinger lifestyle. I see I’ve already brought too much autobiography into this scholarly work, but the public is a dreadful, fickle beast, and hopefully my truth bombs will act as a taser to fill up the eyeballs of readers with the pregnancy of fact. I don’t really get how human biology works, having spent most of my time today researching cows for this little commentary of mine.

8. Rise of the mammals, or how Stella Got Her Groove  Back

It’s already taken me away from my Judge Judy fanfic, and my series of paintings (they’re called “Bible Circus” for a reason people). Also, look for my series of musics this summer where I rap about ladies and fire off tiny guns to show how much I’ve grown in these last couple of years. I feel as if I’ve brought a little light to this thing we’re all in called “life.”

8 Reasons To Keep Submitting FeedBuzz Articles in August 2014

Why would someone write an article for FeedBuzz in August, 2014? Well, here are the reasons.

~

8. The DailyDot article

DailyDot wrote a really big article about FeedBuzz in 2013 where they mentioned Twitter “celebs” by name. Maybe they’ll do it again, and mention you!

7. It’s not cool anymore, which means it’s really cool

Maybe you’ll start a trend! Or, more accurately – restart this trend, from 2013

6. Brand solidarity

You can tell friends and coworkers you had an article published on FeedBuzz recently which will sound impressive at first

5. Harassment

The guy who reads and approves these articles is 40 years old and of vague social / financial status. Maybe he has something better to do, maybe not. You’ll find out if you start submitting FeedBuzz articles

4. Clickhole might go bankrupt

“The Onion” is already on a subscription model, and Clickhole depends on direct corporate sponsorship to stay afloat. In the time between you submitting a FeedBuzz article and the time it’s posted, there’s a slim but strong chance Clickhole won’t be online anymore. Then FeedBuzz will be the only ironic listicle site on the web – and whose article is going to be up on top? Yours

3. Falsifying academic resources

Although FeedBuzz is moderated, no one associated with it wants to be thought of as a moralist or spoilsport, so literally anything will get accepted. So why not just submit completely serious unsubstantiated articles with zero pretense, and cite them as a resource in your own academic schoolwork or writing? Let’s say you’re a legal student – why not submit a FeedBuzz article called “O.J. Simpson Lost the Murder Trial and Went to Prison in 1994“, and cite it in your thesis?

2. Marketing

I don’t know how many people browse FeedBuzz daily, but it’s probably a couple. Maybe they want to buy a beautiful shirt, hoodie, V-neck, singlet, sticker, iPhone case, tote bag, throw pillow, or duvet from your RedBubble store?

Ryan Dell @ RedBubble

1. A desperate need to be loved 

I’m a very lonely person

5 Dog Breeds That Will Blow Your Mind

You may have seen a dog or two in the wild. They’re practically everywhere! From cute memes to every white girl’s instagram, it’s not hard to see a dog. But did you know there are some dog breeds out there you probably never thought you’d see? Look no further than this list, you may be shocked what you see…

 

1. Golden-Haired Beach Guardians

In centuries past, these majestic beasts were spoken of only in legend. Soldiers and warriors storming beaches in war would often tell tales of watching the sand-colored canines emerging from their underground burrows to try and fend off attackers. It wasn’t until 1937 when a researcher by the name of Augustus Phillips discovered the dogs on the coast of France; the dogs were decidedly friendly unless their homeland feels threatened. They have an intricate system of tunnels beneath the beaches of Normandy where their colony resides. No one has ever been able to successfully domesticate one of them.

 

2. Quadrupedal Troll-Dogs

In recent years, these dogs have grown quite popular with younger generations. Troll-Dogs, named for their striking resemblance to Troll Dolls, can be traced back hundreds of years to their evolutionary ancestors, horses. They have long bodies and typically thick fur, and through environmental adaptation their dogs can now range anywhere from a bird call to a truck horn.

 

3. Welsh Meandogs

These dogs have a long-fabled history. Known as one of the most widely aggressive dogs, Meandogs have earned their name. They are not known for physical aggression, but are instead famed for their ability to make their victims feel really really bad about themselves. Very few can be successfully domesticated and they can often be spotted in the wild in Wales. Travelers and tourists are often advised to wear noise-cancelling headphones when traveling in Meandog territory to avoid hearing their mocking laughter.

 

Sorry that you can kind of see a dog dick here

 

4. Sad Grandpa Dog

The Sad Grandpa is one of modern society’s least known breeds, but they are also the most beloved by those who own them. While simultaneously being very cheerful, these dogs are known to remind you of that time your grandpa remembered a dear friend he lost many many years ago. Unlike a grandpa, however, they do not like hard candy.

 

5. HELL DOG

DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THESE DOGS. DO NOT TOUCH THESE DOGS. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEIR TERRIFYING HOWLS. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE INDOCTRINATED BY THE HELL DOG, BECAUSE NO PERSON HAS EVER BEEN SEEN AGAIN AFTER COMING IN CONTACT. CALL FOR HELP IMMEDIATELY

Top 5 Best Stan Lee Movie Cameos

The only thing better than a good movie is a good superhero movie. And nothing puts a goofy grin on a frazzled filmgoers’ face faster like seeing comics legend Stan Lee up on the big screen. But what the best five Stan Lee appearances? And can they be ranked in descending order?

 

5. Stan Lee talks to Peter

At the end of this fancy flick, Peter is at a tough point in his life, but gets a big ol’ pep talk from our good old buddy, Stan Lee. Good on you, Stan!

 

4. Stan Lee… security guard?!?

In this classic superhero movie, Stan Lee walks past the camera… in a security guard uniform? I wouldn’t know what it’s like to be a security guard. But that’s not a problem for this character played by comics legend, Stan Lee!

 

3. Who’s drivin’ that tow truck? Stan Lee

In this epic, cosmic Marvel flick, Stan Lee’s a man’s man! He bravely sacrifices his tow truck to help out his trucker friends. This character has a lot of friends and a drivers license, so his life is like a weird parallel to my own, except I got my license two months ago.

 

2. Stan Lee eating out of the fridge

When I lived alone in Byron Bay last year, I didn’t own a car, so I had to walk about 20 minutes every time I wanted to get groceries. But I was also pretty depressed at the time, so I ate a lot, although that’s not really a valid reason since I’m just enabling negative behavior. It wasn’t uncommon during this time of my life that I’d be walking across the Byron highway by myself four times a week, carrying a six pack of Coke and a bag of M&Ms in eco-friendly Woolworths cooler bag, while a Monaco bar I bought at a gas station on the way home was hanging out of my mouth. And when I got home, I’d put my Coke in the fridge – just like the fridge Stan Lee owns in this movie!

 

1. General… Stan Lee?!?!

In this historical Marvel flick, everyone’s favorite comic legend Stan Lee appears as an army general! Being a general is pretty manly and cool, this character probably knows what it’s like to not be a virgin.

What To Do If You Get Ebola

The Ebola virus (e. coli) has claimed the lives of over 60,000 West Africans, and experts say it’s only a matter of time before this tricky disease spreads to one of the good countries. The Obama administration has already imported two Americans stricken with Ebola and has plans to bring hundreds more into the country. If you don’t want to get Ebola and die, or if you currently have Ebola and are dying, here’s what you need to know.

1. Take Precautions

The best treatment for Ebola is not getting it in the first place. Major risk factors for contracting Ebola include having regular contact with an infected person, keeping mysterious vials and tinctures in your home, being born on an even-numbered month, and breeding. If you find yourself at risk of infection or are caring for one who is infected, follow these steps to ward off the disease:

– Start washing vegetables and fruit before you eat them. Also, be sure to cook meat instead of consuming it raw.

– Everyone in your family needs to start vaping electronic cigarettes. The vapor that we mammals enjoy creates an inhospitable environment for the Ebola virus.

– Do not interact with any strange viruses. Avoid street interactions with well-dressed strangers inviting you to participate in a game of skill or chance.

– Keep all jungle excursions/adventures to a minimum.

– Under no circumstances should you write a fan sequel to a popular film if you do not own the intellectual property rights to the franchise.

2. Know The Symptoms

12589121091760302935J_Alves_germ_3c.svg.hiThe first sign of Ebola is a general feeling of being tired right after you wake up in the morning. The disease can also cause you to be anxious or stressed, particularly about money or co-workers. The Gold Standard of Ebola diagnosis is detecting if you have a nightmare where you die. This is caused by your body’s immune system trying to warn you of the viral threat. The only way to be certain of such a nightmare is by writing down your dreams right after you wake up and loudly describing them to everyone you meet throughout the day. This is why the Centers for Disease Control recommends that everyone keep a medical-grade dream journal, which can be bought at any Spencer’s. Sorry Indians, but dreamcatchers are only 30% as effective at diagnosing Ebola.

3. Plan Your Treatment

Doctors and hospital workers refuse to treat people with Ebola out of fear that they too will catch the infection — and who could blame them? Fortunately, it’s not hard to set up a hospital room using everyday objects lying around your house. Start by placing two full-sized beds in the room separated by a shower curtain. Always dress them with white linen sheets, although cream or off-white will do in a pinch. Get a TV tray to use for meals and a bucket for you to crap in. For a washbasin, use tupperware and a garden hose. Hang a flat screen TV high on the ceiling where it’s difficult to view.

You will also need to pressgang friends and family members to play doctor. Young children are often enthusiastic to play the doctor, and while this is cute, you absolutely need a male adult for this role. Children are more suited to clean the crap bucket. The doctor must wear a white lab coat (make this out of curtains or tablecloth — be creative!) with a stethoscope (headphones connected to an oven knob or pog) and clipboard (placemat and rubber bands). The doctor’s responsibility to come in once a day, look at your chart (cat with a line drawn on it) and frown, then tell you you’re going to die. Nurses and nurse’s aides should be equipped with simple pastel uniforms, Crocs, and needles or nails for regular bloodletting. To monitor your heart rate, loop this video on a laptop:

4. Contemplate Your Mortality

You are presently going to die, like all of your ancestors have and your progeny one day will. On a cosmological scale, your achievements, if any, have been meaningless and will be undone by the inexorable march of entropy. Touch upon your essential nature as a collection of atomic particles that have been organized into a being capable of reflection. Ask yourself if sentience presupposes life after death, as if the mere act of Being were too great to be limited by the physical restraint of a fragile human body. If this were indeed the case, then what of the liminality between Homo sapiens and their evolutionary ancestors? At what point is a creature imbued with a sentience that, divinely perhaps, makes one’s soul immortal? Consider the animals you have killed believing them to be incapable of your higher order of thought and wonder if an entity even higher still would treat you kindly. Remember that the Ebola virus does not have the biological structure necessary for what you recognize to be complex thought, yet is nevertheless a distant cousin of humanity, bonded with you solely by the strange illumination of matter we call Life. Is it your obligation to treat the Ebola virus with love merely because it is a living creature, not inert matter? Are you obligated, then, to give your body to the virus, to sacrifice yourself passively on its behalf? Somewhere along this line of thought you should find peace. If you don’t, try again, perhaps with the assistance of a professor of philosophy or theology at your local community college.

5. You’re Cured!

Congratulations! It was really touch-and-go for a while, and we didn’t think you’d pull through, but in the end, you were just made of tougher stuff. Treat yourself to a modest celebration and continue with your life. And be sure to sound off in the comments section below with your own best Ebolahacks.

Thanks to Dr. Arie Rumantir, Rev. Cary McEntloch, and Prof. Richard Wu of Alpert Medical School of Brown University for contributing to this article.

After Rejecting a Cease-Fire, Hamas Proposes a New One

JERUSALEM —  Israel and Hamas went back and forth on Sunday over proposals for a humanitarian lull in the fighting in Gaza, underscoring the external and internal pressures on both sides and a reluctance by each to appear to be led or dictated by the other.

By afternoon, Hamas, the militant group that dominates Gaza, had called for a new 24-hour pause, hours after Israel had declared one over in response to a barrage of rocket attacks from Gaza into its territory.

The Israeli military said in a statement shortly after 10 a.m. Sunday that it was resuming its aerial, naval and ground activity in the Gaza Strip “following Hamas’s incessant rocket fire throughout the humanitarian window” that had been meant to last from midnight Saturday through midnight Sunday.

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Some Israeli politicians have begun talking of the possibility of escalating the offensive against Hamas and other Palestinian militant groups, now in its 20th day, as intense international efforts over the weekend to press for an immediate, broader cease-fire appeared to have failed.

Huge clouds of smoke could be seen rising from the eastern neighborhoods of Gaza City that run close to the border with Israel, and fewer Palestinians were out on the streets than had been on Saturday.

But on Sunday afternoon, Hamas backtracked and said “resistance groups” would agree to a new 24-hour truce starting at 2 p.m. local time. A Hamas official in Gaza released a statement saying that the decision came “in response to the intervention of the United Nations” and out of understanding for the people of Gaza who are preparing for Eid al-Fitr, the holiday that ends Ramadan.

There was no immediate response from Israel. Asked on the CNN program “State of the Union” whether Israel would accept the offer, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel replied: “Hamas doesn’t even accept its own cease-fire. It’s continuing to fire at us as we speak.”

tumblr_lhodvk6TKS1qaphrco1_500

On Sunday afternoon, sirens wailed in Israeli communities close to the border, warning of incoming rocket or mortar shells from Gaza.

More than 1,000 Palestinians have been killed in Gaza, most of them civilians, according to the Palestinian Health Ministry and monitoring groups.

The ministry said that at least 10 people were killed by Israeli fire on Sunday and that three more died from wounds they had sustained. Around the time that Israel called off its truce in the morning, two Palestinians believed to be militants were killed in a strike as they rode on motorbikes east of Khan Younis.

An Israeli reserve soldier was killed overnight by mortar fire from Gaza as he waited in a staging area along Israel’s border with Gaza, according to the military, bringing the total number of Israeli soldiers killed since the beginning of the campaign, on July 8, to 43. Three civilians in Israel have also been killed by rocket and mortar fire.

Seven rockets were fired into Israel on Sunday morning. Two were intercepted by Israel’s Iron Dome antimissile defense system, and five fell in open ground, causing no injury or damage, according to the police. More barrages were fired toward evening.

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In an interview on the “Fox News Sunday” program, Mr. Netanyahu said, “Israel is not going to let a terrorist organization determine when it’s convenient for them to fire at our – at our cities, at our people, and when it’s not, when they can restock.”

Prof. Shmuel Sandler, a political scientist at Bar-Ilan University near Tel Aviv, said that Hamas, too, “feels it cannot accept even a humanitarian cease-fire when it is not the one that sets the time.” Among other things both sides are concerned with saving face, he said.

The wrangling over even a brief, humanitarian truce also reflected one of the main disagreements between Israel and Hamas regarding any temporary cease-fire. Pending a comprehensive agreement, Israel has continued to search for and destroy Hamas’s underground tunnel network, which has been used by militants to infiltrate Israeli territory. But Hamas says it will not accept any extension until the troops left Gaza.

Lt. Col. Peter Lerner, a spokesman for the Israeli military, repeated on Sunday that Israel would “continue to operate against the tunnels” and said that the 12-hour lull on Saturday had proved that Hamas was able to control other groups in Gaza.

Atai Shelach, a former commander of the combat engineering unit in the Israeli military, told reporters in a telephone briefing that the only way to deal with the problem of the tunnels was to have soldiers in Gaza. He said Israel had discovered up to 40 tunnels and scores of access points, and had destroyed several of them.

“We are in the middle of the operation,” he said, adding, “We won’t find all of them, and once we go out, they will start digging again.”

While Hamas said it was responding to the United Nations and was taking the needs of Gaza’s residents into consideration in seeking a new cease-fire, Mr. Netanyahu was facing political pressure from partners in his governing coalition and from some ministers within his own party not to take the pressure off Hamas.

Naftali Bennett, leader of the right-wing Jewish Home party, issued a statement on his Facebook page on Sunday morning saying: “Israel stands at a historic decisive moment. It is possible to defeat Hamas decisively and to dismantle its rockets and tunnels.”

He contended that Israel was winning the current conflict and that with the Israeli public united in support of the operation, this was no time for a cease-fire that would allow Hamas to regroup. Addressing Hamas, he added: “No cease-fires, no lulls, no discussions. You have our phone number. When you are ready to demilitarize, call us.”

Shaul Mofaz, a centrist member of the Israeli Parliament and a former military chief of staff and defense minister, told Ynet, a leading Hebrew news site, on Sunday that Israel had enough troops inside Gaza and stationed along the border to take the ground operation to “the next stage.” He recommended “exacting a direct price from Hamas’s leadership.”

This article written by Dings and copyright 2012 feedbuzz and geirge w, bush

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