Is hotdog a sandwich? A thinker’s reply

America is extremely big. No matter where you go it’s there you can smell it.

Never more so, than on this day, JUly the 4th, aka Hotdogs Day.

As a great thinker of the cyber realm whose opinions are relied upon by literally countless of the lost souls of social media, I feel it behooves me to weigh in on the ponderous debate, sparked by commentators at other sites, http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/jul/03/is-a-hot-dog-a-sandwich-nature-america etc: Is hotdog a true sandwich? For to ponder the question is to ponder the very nature of America itself.

First let’s bust a few myths. Dispel a few rumors.

1. Sandwich is not the invention of Earl Sandwich

Yes, of course the name of sandwich comes from the Earl, but if you think he invented this great meal you are a fool. What we now know as sandwich was invented in mediaeval Croatia and spread (no pun intended!!) after the kingdom fell to the Ottomans. Look it up. Just a little history lesson for the “bloggers” out there who shudder to cast a researching gaze beyond Wikipedia.

2. The essence of Sandwich is not in its name

To define Hotdog or not within the category “Sandwich” by attempting a thorough explication of what constitutes “Sandwich” is to proceed ass backwards if you will pardon the expression. Of course in asking the question what we really mean is does the hot dog have the quality “sandwichness”. We can no more approach the fundamental sandwichness-or-otherwise of hotdog by asking “Is hotdog a Sandwich?” than we can get a sensible answer to, e.g., “Is eel a fish?” or “Is nine inch nails a Band?”.

We have collectively fallen into the trap of language itself, the language of our thinking. If only we had heeded Korzybski’s call to replace our tired linguistic frame with E-Prime, banishing therefore the verb To Be in all its forms, and with it, the deadly seductive mindhole of Identification.

But i digress. Nothing is to be gained from poking and prodding the word “Sandwich” like a pinata laden with brightly wrapped nuggets of concrete meaning.

3. A hotdog, no, is NOT a sandwich

Take a look at the hotdog:

Now look at sandwich:

It’s not even the same shape.

4. On tacos

Mate if you even try to tell me something about taco is a sandwich i swear I’ll punch you

HAPPY AMERICA DAY!!

Top 4 Timely Replacements for FeedBuzz

“What the hell have I done with my life?” I ask myself as I clear out a dozen pages of bogus article submissions from a Polish spambot with a hard-on for selling fake designer purses on a list website. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I just wanted to be cool and popular online without expending any effort. Why is my website bad now? The answer doesn’t matter. FeedBuzz can’t be saved. Not when there’s this list of four timely replacements:

 

1. ClickHole

Brought to you by The Onion, ClickHole is a scathing take-down of placeholder pages. With the big budget and high caliber writers room that The Onion brings to the table it’s no surprise that ClickHole will handily bury the ugly corpse of FeedBuzz. Requiescat in pace.

 

2. BuzzFeed

These guys are still around. They have an even bigger budget than The Onion. Like, way bigger. The Koch brothers pay the bills in the BuzzFeed offices. Have you seen their cafeteria? They’ve got like.. Chef Gordon Ramsay over there, probably. Since they take so much blood money, I mean. They can afford him, at least, if they wanted.

Anyways, they’ve packed their writers room full of jerks. Those guys are way more depraved and shameless than any of the internet weirdos I could find to give me free content. BuzzFeed is such a massive media entity it can’t help but parody itself better than any outsider could. Best of all, BuzzFeed will never die.

 

3. FeedBuzz Digest

Yeah, it’s time to unveil the thing I’ve been working on. It’s called FeedBuzz Digest, or maybe FeedBuzz 52. I don’t know, I haven’t worked out those details yet. It’s gonna look like the front page of Slate or Newsweek or something. Bahahaha, it’ll be hilarious. Like a weekly thing, or maybe bi-weekly I don’t know. It’s going to be so good you guys. All I need to do is sit down and figure out the details and then move from WordPress to whatever Slate uses or maybe Kinja? I don’t know I guess I’ll do some research on that for a while. Then I need to make a new logo. But once that’s set up I’ll get some semi-permanent contributors and it’ll be just like the good ol’ days except better. Even cooler and more content and everybody will think I’m fun again.

[Editor's note this will never actually happen.]

 

4. Medium

They’ll let anyone post on Medium now, right? Wouldn’t it be easier to just put stuff there? You could have your blistering listicle parody right up alongside someone’s serious thinkpiece on how birth control shaped the Millenials generation or something. I might submit one of my own later. Except, I’m out of ideas for how to make people think BuzzFeed is bad. It seems like it’s all been done, y’know?

Top 7 Most Memorable Spongebob Episodes

1. The one about selling chocolate

Fuck, what was this one called?

 

2. The one where Spongebob screams about water

I didn’t actually like this episode, but I remember it pretty well.

 

3. The “Mermaidman and Barnacleboy” episodes

These episodes all had Roman numerals in their titles, I think.

 

4 – 7. Readers’ choice

Notes from a Film Class I Took, Free of Context

Lecture – August 22, 2013
Today – watching ARMY OF DARKNESS. Lecturer will pause it every now and then and discuss

Lecturer was working on Tobe Hooper’s TALES OF THE CRYPT
He was an on-set electrician. Or a grip?
Two weeks after the end of shooting, he was invited to come up to L.A. The grips couldn’t tell if it was a comedy or not.
He was invited to come talk to “Goody”, who produced all the Evil Dead films. Lecturer didn’t wanna go
Decided to do ARMY OF DARKNESS solely to meet the DOP, who was a guy who’d done heaps of music videos

The ARMY OF DARKNESS set he came onto was basically an empty soundstage

Discussing how low budget EVIL DEAD was
The slider they used a plank with grease on it

We’re just gonna watch ARMY OF DARKNESS chronologically
Whole idea of film is that it’s a black comedy parody of sensationalist pulp fantasy stuff
Even though it was a Universal production, it wasn’t union. They almost didn’t have enough money to finish it.
Opening scene was shot on a gravel pit. They want to put a football stadium there. It’s just somewhere west of Los Angeles.
Opening footage is just from EVIL DEAD 2
For the end of EVIL DEAD 2, they couldn’t figure out what the perspective for falling into Hell would be. The angle of Ash is kind of funny because it’s such a technically clever fake but the fall is being moved around artificially
The shot where the car drops is from the first shooting day the lecturer was at
The shot where Ash and the car fall onto the ground was shot at that same gravel pit
Crew used crane to drop car, was high enough fall to potentially kill
Had five cameras trained on it
All the crew members had clipboards and had to “judge” the fall
The first time they dropped the car, the car toppled off. It was too heavy. The stuntman jumped out of the car at 15 feet. The cameras weren’t rolling on this.
Location manager confiscated all the footage anyone shot with camcorders or whatever. Was for “insurance”. Probably just because no-one wants that footage out.
They initially wanted Ash to be shot doing the entire fall, through effects or framing or whatever, but they just had to have Bruce jump into the frame

Lecturer describing location is pretty unconvincing. “It’s clearly just Urbandale. You can see tire tracks.”

All the sound in the first scene, apart from the dialogue, was done in post. All the chains, horse sounds, rattles and clanks…

The first shot of a castle you see in the movie is a matte painting. About 1/3 of the castle set is real. Basically all the parts that look dark grey around the front are real.

Lecturer had to carry out cables and make sure they could light the big outdoor scenes
Lecturer slept inside the castle set a couple times. They did a lot of late-night shoots, so they had beds

The chains on the castle drawbridge are plastic. You can see them blowing around. Obvious when you know.

The castle set is basically a U-shape, so you can kind of be clever and not have to give away that the set doesn’t have a full four walls. There’s not a lot of set dressing – the movie is just very precisely storyboarded. All the set dressing you see in the movie is basically all there is, it’s not as if they set up everything outside of the shots. Lecturer remembers that there were a lot of extras though.

“How do you get this color temperature out in central California?”
They put CTL on pretty much every light. Everything is shot at around the “Golden Hour”, 3-3:30

First day of shooting at the castle, lecturer hadn’t written script.

The famous metal pit was just made of plywood

The perspective shots of the arrow were all shot in reverse
After main unit went back to L.A., lecturer worked on all the second unit stuff, all the explosions and effects

They use the “big camera” when shooting dialogue, and a smaller camera for fast-cut stuff, action, and movement
The pit is a small, 250ft area, shot with a wide-angle lens. Violent dolly moves that just throw around the camera

Lecturer did a couple days on DARKMAN, too, pushing around dollies

A couple months after shooting, lecturer was asked, “Hey, do you wanna come back for two days to shoot the ending?”

The fast cut montage of putting together the hand was a lot of fun. A lot of complex lighting “gags” and interesting setups.

Lecturer describing Bruce Campbell, nice guy who’s not full of himself and just has great timing.

The diffusion in the inside castle scenes is mainly smoke from the fireplace

The flickering in “Gimme some sugar, baby.” was done by attaching lights to flicker boxes. They’re just simple boxes that are set up to turn their circuits on and off automatically over and over, but they kept starting fires and burning out. There was one guy on set – his only job was to replace burnt fuses.

Desert they shot ARMY OF DARKNESS at is same location as that goofy Star Trek fight scene.
Now, it’s a national park. There’s five park rangers with a district, and they could charge the film production for crossing over through multiple territories. Crew had to tiptoe around these imaginary lines

The smoke in the desert hills at the start of the movie looks really fake. There’s not much coming off the hills, they had trouble setting up the machines and getting power. Sam Raimi yelled at his crew, “Don’t save the smoke for Evil Dead 4! I’m not doing it!”

The windmill is a model. It’s not a post-effect. They just put the model right up close to the camera. They made Bruce look small through forced perspective. The trees in front of the windmill are just twigs – you can tell because the buds are so huge

Lecturer’s first day on set was the mirror scene with all the tiny Ash’s
The insert shots are a combination of acting and projection. The mini-Ash’s are acting in front of a projection
The same effect as Kubrick’s 2001

For the Evil Ash growth scenes, they had three different puppets for in-between the process shots

Production had a hard time managing extras. A lot of the extras were wannabe screenwriters or people who wanted to be “discovered”. The extras in the shitty costumes were trying to fight their way to the front to be on camera

They spelled lecturer’s name wrong in credits

Stopping the movie about 20-30 minutes in. Lecturer is encouraging us to just be creative and do our best.

Top 5 Signs That Someone is Ugly, and Therefore Stupid

Let’s say you ever find your way into a boardroom meeting at Goldman Sachs. (Which, who am I kidding, you’re some neo-ironic 18-25 year old. But play along here, I’m proving a point.) Sure, some of the people around you are bald or could lose some weight, but how many of these people are truly abominably ugly? Even the grossest weirdo in that room doesn’t have a single wart, boil, or scar on their body.

The statistical averages among successful people prove it. You wanna be somewhere in this world, you gotta preen all ugly or deformed people from your life and break out the ProActiv. You’re no good at maintaining your hair, so you should probably shave it off and go on whatever the opposite of Rogaine is. Whatever you’ve got to do to be a real power player in this dog-eat-dog world.

Now I’m not saying, specifically, that because someone is ugly, that also means they’re stupid. According to Variety articles I’ve read and loose anecdotes I’ve heard about people with Downs Syndrome, sometimes ugly people aren’t always necessarily intellectually-subhuman bottom feeders. But the statistics are on my side when you consider that the vast amount of people I’ve met in my life who are ugly have also turned out to be intensely, undeniably stupid. So when I say that you should erase all stupid (and therefore ugly) people from your life, remember that I’m also just working off of statistical trends data.

So without further procrastination, lets count off the major ways that someone can prove to you they’re objectively ugly and should be preened from your life.

 

1. Brown hair, with faded blonde streaks

Ever met a smart, passionate go-getter who had loose strands of Peroxide wisping off their skull? Neither have I. If you see someone who has a couple strings of blonde hair amidst a bush of a brunette hair-do, it means they got a bleach job and couldn’t commit to it. This means either they lack self-awareness, they’re too lazy to get it removed, or they’re delusional. In all three cases this suggests that the person underneath those sad strands is mindbogglingly stupid.

Coincidentally, two of the girls I’ve met in my life who’ve had this stylin’ do also had fetal alcohol syndrome and couldn’t do basic arithmetic, but even a normie showing off this tragic look is communicating to you on a subconscious level, “Do not involve me in your life.” Take note of the warning signs and stay away, you’re not gonna find any of these miserable psychotics cashing in on $800k worth of their Snapchat stock.

 

2. A shirt with holes in it

Either this person is too poor to afford a new wardrobe, or they don’t have the presence of mind to see that their clothing is damaged. The only exception here is if it’s a cute girl and the hole lets you see part of her boobs. Otherwise, the message is clear – don’t engage.

 

3. Crosseyes

The only witty crosseyed person I’ve ever known is a made-up Marty Feldman reciting the beautiful wordplay of Mel Brooks. In real life, every crosseyed person I’ve ever known has been a disgusting and off-putting presence. As a basic rule: I don’t think anyone with diverted focus problems is gonna be buying a yacht any time soon.

This one’s a bit unfair, I admit, because it’s not a conscious choice like most of the other options on this list. But I’m sure there’s a special type of contact lens, or laser surgery you can get to fix this. Listen, it’s not my job to look into this, it’s your job to look presentable in decent society. Slap on some sunglasses.

 

4. A Bad Profile

If you ever get nominated for an Oscar, look around at your fellow upperclassmen. Notice how unbelievably attractive they are. These people, the cultural, financial and intellectual elite of our society, are all blessed with symmetrical faces and pleasing profiles. Even at a lower class event like the Tradesmans Oscars or the Emmys, notice how few hunchbacked people or facially deformed people there are in your vicinity. Even Lena Dunham, considered “TV ugly”, has clear skin and smooth eyebrows. The ugliest writer on the worst sitcom in the world is still physically gorgeous enough to appear on the cover of Vogue.

The objective measure I use to see if someone has a bad profile – look at them from the side, and try to imagine their silhouette in a Presidents’ Museum exhibit. If you can’t connect the dots, well, I guess you’ll have just another person to wipe off your iCal.

 

5. Low Klout Score

We’ve already established that beautiful people are smart – and no smart, proactive paradigm-shifting go getter can afford to not have a robust and fleshed-out social media presence. And, hey, you can’t afford to buy followers via a corporate aggregate – you’re probably pretty stupid.

 

 

This five tips are conclusive and comprehensive – use them to guide you through your new life as a beautiful, rich genius. Can’t wait to see you on the front page of Defamer!

Buzzfeed, THE WEB SIGHT, IS OFFLINE FROM INTERNET

Today the 11 of november 2001 the internet was very sad to hear that the big WEB SIGHT BUZZFEED DOT COM went offline and no one knows why this has happened. BUZZFEED DOT COM the big web sight on the Inter Net was Verry Famous indeed and has sparked a lot of furor and outcrying about this tragic event that happened today on 9 november. At BUZZ FEED, a less popular web page and internet destination, we took it on ourselfs to write and talk and email and whatever to people in the real world meat space to get Big Ideas on What People Were Doing with their time. Some of the answers are interesting and You Should Read This. we paint the REAL HUMAN CANVAS only here, feed.bz

“I can’t believe this is happening to me” writes Scott Fitzroy, a 34 year old part-time script writer from Brooklyn, NY. “Where did Buzzfeed go. Where did it go? That’s a question a lot of people are asking, but there isn’t an answer”. Scott was deeply upset over the loss of websight buzzfeed dot com so instead he went to another websight in order to spend his valuable time, but it wasn’t the same.

“Well I can’t get on to buzzfeed dot com. I cant share some Good Articles with my facebook Freinds!” declared 19 year old Law Student Rachel Winchester from her computer machine laptop terminal via email system service. “I can’t believe this. I am studying for my Big Exam but I cannot read the websight Buzz Feed dot com. I want to be able to read the &&$#$#* website now thanks!” she finished her email rather rudely. Many people are feeling the bad effect of the loss of thi great website but no one knows how long it will be for. It’s a big mystery we havent solved here at Feed Buzz.

“Ah, this is such a big disaster” deplored 54 year old county sherrif Jarrod Stringer, who, despite being an old, uses a web to make a good joke from time to time. it certainly helps when he is not doing a big police drive and then also arresting a bad criminal who might do a robbery, drug, rape or murder. “God Damn It” he said to our staffer who was around at the time. “I can’t believe this. I am already Getting many Suicide Calls about this big loss. Everyones dying” he continued with a single tear down his cheek. “Fuck. Big Fuck”.

David Oakenfield, an 8 year old living in San Francisco, couldn’t finish his cereal today because of the loss of Giant Webby Buzz Feed.com. He was very upset when he found out he couldn’t go on to share Cool Blogs and Storys with his mates on the cyberweb, and so was very sad and couldn’t go to school and di a big Sooky Child cry in his Lightning McQueen loft bed. “It’s a fucking mess” said Susanne Arlesque, David’s sole parent and roller derby expert from Sydney, Australia, who moved here to take care of her son in the Big City where Dreams Come True. “I have a Big Derby tomorrow but my son is Sad. I bet those Big Fat Cats what run BuzzFeed dot com are happy. I’ll probably lose my game now”.

It Is hard for a Roller Derby win when your son is upset, even if you have bought them the Lightning mcqueen (main guy from Disney/Pixar Cars 1, sidekick in Cars 2) bed. Susanne is not the only person, though, to be suffering. Even in the Ivory Tower of IT World there are some bad computer nerds who probably caused this, but even they are Upset ABout Buzz Feed.com missing. We spoke to one before just about this problem that has happened.

“Its fucked and also a shame. iM trying to code and cannot have a laughter about some movie or dog. Such a shame for me, the big computer guy” said Dale Clements, a 39 year old software engineer from Ohio, who’s baseball cap was now stained forever in his own grief-sweat. “I mean I start the day doing the codes, the big computer code. now I cant because im so sad from buzzfeed dot com” said Dale as he was upset and probably going to cry like a fucking baby. “Im sad”

“I woke up the kids today and told them america was under attack” said neighbourhood Mom of 5 Sherry Charlamange, from Oklahoma. “My childs cried” she also told us, when she had gone to see her childs and tell them “buzz feed dot com. it is not working. its. not. working”. The babes and child all did a very large crying session and the mother, Sherry, held their hands and also heads in turn and gave them angel kisses on the tops of their foreheads. “When will america learn that this sort of terrorism cannot be accepted” said Sherry. She was crying very big now.

“Bark Bark” expressed the gruff, chizled 4-year old french Bulldog Charlie to our reporters when Buzz Feed dot com could not be accessed on Dogterweb. “Bark bark bark rrrr ruff ahhhrroooo” he also said in his wonderful way as he sat like a normal human person on the lap of his owner. “brooooo” he croaned, melting the shattered hearts of all those who could not access the great dog and news websirte, buzzfeed dot com.

“This is al the fault of democrat and pig idiot barackk hussein obama. wheres the certificate. of birth, where is it” decried southwest town crier John Smith from Big City, Il. “I didnt vote for him, and now look what happen. When did this kenya get in. Where the certificate. where is it”. We asked him about how he felt now that buzzfeed was gone, as this is a big issue facing out nation. Buzz Feed, websight, it is gone, when come back? “Fucking where is the certificate. i saw one, but it was forged. where the fuck is it god im gonna kill someone, if i dont get the truth. semper fi, brothers” he spat back at us, the reporter guys.

“can’ fucken believe i’” said rough youth and Voice of A Generation, Colin Wozzok, from Sheffield, England. Colin, aka DANDYSMASH, is a local and international superstar DJ rapper musician lad friend who has not been able to access popular internet webby, Buzzfeed. Here is what he said. “oi i can ge on buzzfe from me blackburry. gon nick me an iphone innit gov” he said and spat through his bad teeth and other things. We are sad for him, as is everyone the startling weight of the future without internet webmasters of staff Buzzfeed dot colm is very sad. “i can rite me own rap bout nothin else mate” he replied.

“fuck” said conservative pastor Sarah Slidesbarf, 34, a missionary operating in the war torn country of Ukraine. “This is Bull Shit. how am I. to do the research. Where the pics. Fuck”.

Buzzfeed is down and everyones affected by this, but no answers have been given when the site will return. We asked the owner fo other internet Web Zone Reddit Dot Child to give us an estimation. “Well” said BigLord69, “We dont know. Stop Asking. We dont Know ABout BuzzFeed Webby” said BigLord69.

For now, though, we are but snowflakes on the sea of tomorrow. The sea is turning to acid but the snowflake has since already melted. Our winter is ending.

Five Historical Badasses (That Your Teachers Lied To You About)

1. Abraham Lincoln

Sure, you learned all about Abraham Lincoln freeing the slaves in school. You probably also learned that he admitted two states to the Union (not including the ones he prevented from seceding), which is no small feat. But they probably didn’t teach you that Lincoln was a well-respected wrestler! It might be hard to imagine Abraham Lincoln striding down to the ring with a steel chair like in the WWE, but he did indeed practice amateur wrestling in his younger years, even handily defeating the leader of a local gang of roughnecks called the “Clary’s Grove Boys.” Sadly, the historical record does not specify whether or not he then flexed his guns and yelled, “Whatcha gonna do when Lincolnmania runs wild on you?” But maybe he did!

2. Buckminster Fuller

Most Olympians will agree that stamina is crucial, regardless of the event. And even though Buckminster Fuller was no athlete, he once performed a feat of endurance that would even Jamie? Can you see this, Jamie?

3. Ada Lovelace

Jamie, listen. Please listen to us. You’ve been in a coma since the accident. Doctor Clarke says you’re talking in your sleep and it sounds like you’re in some kind of dream state where you’ve constructed an imaginary world to live in. She says your eyes are open sometimes and you’re hearing what people say but it’s just not reaching you like it should. She says sometimes she can try to influence things in this dream world by talking to you or showing you things. She had us write this down and she’s going to try to…we don’t know, it sounds almost like hypnotic suggestion, but she says she can get this letter to show up in a place where you can read it. Jamie, can you see this? We love you and we miss you so much.

4. Please listen to us Jamie, you have to wake up

Doctor Clarke says it sounds like your name isn’t even Jamie in this imaginary world. That sounds so crazy. We don’t understand. Are you happy in there? Do you remember us? Do you miss us? We miss you. We all miss you so much, we cry all the time. But please listen: You have to wake up. Doctor Clarke says there’s only so much time before the coma state becomes permanent. She says your body is healed, but your mind just isn’t coming around. She says you have to choose to wake up. She says if you don’t wake up soon, you never will. And your living will specifies that we’re supposed to pull the plug if you end up in a permanently comatose state. Please don’t make us do that. We don’t want to do that. We want – we need you to come back to us. Jamie, you’re going to die if you don’t wake up. Please, please wake up. Please.

5. Oscar Wilde

It just doesn’t make sense to us that you’re living in some dream state, that you don’t remember your name is Jamie. That you don’t remember your wedding day. This letter is our last chance. If you can’t wake up now, Doctor Clarke says it’s almost certain you never will. PLEASE, PLEASE, OH GOD JAMIE THIS IS SO TERRIBLE PLEASE WAeorge Foreman a run for his money! Too bad he didn’t live in the modern age – he missed out on endorsement deals like the Oscar Wilde Grill or maybe Oscar Wilde’s Punch-Out! for the Nintendo. Also he would not have been incarcerated for sodomy.

Top 5 Yoga poses for Yoga beginners to begin with

 

Okay boys, here it is, if you have been trying to get into Yoga you are in luck. Here are 5 easy poses that you can show off at dinner parties :))

1) Child’s Pose

This is a great pose for beginners to start with. In this pose you lie down on your yoga mat and start by sitting on your knees. This pose helps center your chacras and if you get this pose right you should feel a clean tug on your lower back region. The secret to a great child’s pose is to stretch all of your limbs to max capacity. Good luck :P

2) Downward Facing Dog

this pose is a home screen pose, which means that you will come back to this pose often and many other non-beginner poses will begin with this dog. There is also a more advance pose which is hard but it basically is down ward facing dog but then you pull your heartstrings to your ears and essentialize the room so that your shoulders line up with the insides of your girdle bone. Many poses are based off this home screen pose-good luck!!

3) tadasana/padahastasana

This is a beginners pose which is great to begin doing after you start child’s pose. This pose is all about breathing properly so open your lungs, okay! This pose is a special pose that allows you to recenter your mind on yoga instead of on your business report :P this is actually two posses. In order to do them, you must first 1) stand like a pencil would and then bend down slowly to get to padahastasana.! This is a great pose and my personal favorites!! Good luck :)

4) Baby pose

This pose is just like child’s pose accept you have to be a baby or a baby boy ((:

4) Warrior Pose

this pose is very masculine and I don’t recommend that women do it because it is for men. In this pose you stand like tadasana, but there is a catch! In order to do this pose you have to begin by moving you’re legs apart. I like to explain this to my yogi beginners (: as like a greek statue. If you get this pose right you won’t fall over LOL! Try to act like you are throwing a spear at a hog and you will get the gist of this challenging yoga pose. Good luck little yoga beginners! P:

The 10 Dumbest Things AOL’s “Digital Prophet” David Shing Has Ever Said

We all had a good laugh last Friday about a television appearance from AOL’s “Digital Prophet,” David Shing, because of his completely absurd physical appearance.

But “Shingy,” as he likes to be called, is actually quite a clever animal. His ridiculous plumage serves a vital function – to distract people from the worthless gibberish that cascades out of his mouth-hole.

Here’s something you need to know about “tech companies.” The most valuable thing in all of their corporate cultures is the need to appear “on the cutting edge.” Forget profits, forget employee satisfaction (as evidenced by AOL’s recent gutting of their 401K matching program), all that matters is that they look like they’re “ahead of the curve.” Actually implementing technology to be ahead of the curve, however, is really hard. So what they do instead is hire some jive-talking idiot to write guest blogs and speak at conferences to weave the illusion.

AOL’s choice was David Shing. I’m sure he came into a meeting and just wowed whatever board dinosaurs needed to be impressed (and wouldn’t Google anything he said) and they wrote him a check. And now the chickens are coming home to roost.

Here are the ten dumbest things that Shing’s ever said (in public – we have no doubt that, say, in the heat of coitus with his “babe” he says equally dumb things, but we may never know them).

10. “You fundamentally have between 6 seconds and 13 hours to tell your brand story today.”

Let’s start with this hilarious line, which sums up everything absurd about the whole concept of a “digital prophet.” This is from a now-deleted Vimeo that Shing uploaded that, if it wasn’t so po-faced, could serve as a parody of everything noxious about Silicon Valley. Where did those numbers come from? I’ll tell you where: out of David Shing’s ass. Oh, and here’s a little tip for AOL: If the guy you hired to make you seem forward-thinking is deleting his prediction videos because they’re so embarrassing, maybe you shouldn’t be paying him to make prediction videos.

9. “We can see examples of that everywhere, even back in the day, with Andy Warhol’s studio in Soho, the careers and the movements that happened there.”

This is from a hilariously ass-kissing interview with Shing on some Greek blog. Anybody who knows anything about the modern art scene in New York can spot what’s wrong with this pretty easily, but if you don’t: Warhol never had a studio in SoHo. This dipshit is talking about the Factory, which was first located in Midtown then relocated to Union Square, quite a ways north of Houston St. Shing (who even lives in New York) is staggeringly ignorant of the actual facts, preferring instead to promulgate an incorrect myth and make himself (and his employer, AOL) look foolish.

8. “David Shing is AOL’s Digital Prophet. He spends most of his time watching the future take shape across the vast online landscape.”

This is from Shing’s bio page with AOL’s “leadership team.” We could be charitable and maybe say that he didn’t write it himself, but you know he did. How the fuck can you say you “spend most of your time watching the future take shape across the vast online landscape?” Shouldn’t you, oh, I dunno, spend most of your time trying to make the corporate entity that employs you competitive in the vast online landscape? A great way to identify these new digital hucksters is that they’re still wedded to old-school Bruce Sterling-esque descriptors of the Internet as a “landscape,” a physical place, and of themselves as Peerless Explorers in it.

7. “Mocal”

In December of 2013, Shing made the rounds pitching “what your brand needs to be if it wants to remain relevant in the social space.” And that was.. “mocal.” A grotesque portmanteau of “mobile” and “social,” it basically comes down to… making your social strategy available on mobile devices? Like, uh, every successful social network already is? Oh, except for AOL, but I said “successful.”

6. “Apps are a rubbish concept.”

The best things about “prophets” is that they’re expected to make predictions, and those predictions are almost always wrong. Shing spoke at the London Web Summit in early 2012 and laid down all kinds of laughs like “Email is hot. Expect a 256% increase in ROI for email.” Again, look at the number there: two hundred and fifty-six percent! Where’d that number come from? But best of all was the apps line, in which Shing predicted that in-browser HTML5 sites would replace standalone apps in the phone / tablet market. Two years on and that’s not coming anywhere near happening, so good job there.

5. “People are going to cluster in small villages or tribes and understand that they can have deep, intimate communications there.”

Also from the deleted video, this is Shing’s latest hot idea – that large-scale social networks are on the way out, to be replaced by a Balkanization of user bases towards something more local and intimate. Sound familiar? It’s basically the same idea behind Patch, AOL’s attempt at creating local news sites that lost the company $147 million in 2011. The concept was such a disaster that a holding company that owns 5.3% of AOL’s stock basically said “fuck this shit, stop doing this now” and made them sell it off at a huge loss. So what is ol’ Shingy doing? Evangelizing the exact thing that failed spectacularly without a hint of irony. Good job, buddy. Smart attention to the product.

4. “I don’t want people to know that I still listen to Dolly Parton”

This is from one of millions of dumb fucking interviews but let’s be honest with here: the songs of Dolly Parton have more beauty and emotional resonance than anything David Shing has ever touched with his idiot fingers.

3. “What really does drive me is the awe in people. If I’m inspiring people, if people are inspired by what I say and I see it in their eyes afterwards, that’s why I do it.”

We’re back to that Greek interview again for this hilariously self-aggrandizing quote. Hands up out there, who feels “awe” when they listen to David Shing talk? Maybe if you contextualize it as “awe that a Fortune 1000 company is willing to throw money down the toilet,” sure, but who can honestly say that  they’re inspired by this half-baked fluffernutter? Who listens to these presentations and TED talks and thinks “Oh, right, wearable computing, I’ve never heard of Google Glass because I live in a moron hole, maybe this guy’s on to something?”

2. “With almost eight billion people on the planet and 50% of those under the age of thirty who have never known life without the Internet…”

And this, really, is the core of David Shing. He automatically assumes that, if you’re under the age of thirty and on the planet Earth, you’re an internet user. Wow. four billion customers! Notwithstanding that fact that almost 75% of the Earth’s population does not have access to the Internet But why should that stop David Shing? He’s got a big number to say! Facts are for the gearheads and the wonks who actually make things and create value for their employers. I’m David Shing! I just fountain out bullshit onstage at TEDxBumfuck and paint my fucking nails!

1. “I am excited for what 2014 could mean for brands and people!”

I just can’t. Who the fuck can say with a straight face that they’re “excited for what a year means for brands.” Guess what? Brands are shit. Loving brands is loving shit and being a “prophet” for brands is sitting at the bottom of a toilet bowl and praying for turds to come. Having David Shing on your payroll, AOL, does not add a single cent to your profit margins or improve the user experience of a single customer. But he sure does give you lots of opportunities for articles like this.

Bonus: “Please go away animated GIFs.”

If there was ever a single Tweet that could sum up why somebody shouldn’t have a job, this would be it.

“5 Signs you were born on a year, any year, it doesn’t matter, just click; we are a race of creatures who feed on clicks, we are all plugged into the internet forever by a tiny cord”

1. You exist
Right? You totally do. There is no way this is a dream manufactured by a ever-glowing, stronger-growing God who initially cared about us but who is now bored…so bored. Yea, you definitely exist

2. Things happened
In the years since your birth you have experienced events, moments in time that only someone who exists could experience. You have shared those experiences with others who also exist. No doubt you have read an article, not different from this one, assuring you that everyone, all of us, has experienced these events. Of course they have. They’ve all been here right beside you. When you were born, when you learned that God was bored. They were right beside you when your grandfather got sick. They all cried when he told your father he always loved him, even though he never said it. They all wondered why your father didn’t cry; they were crying. But, then again, they are always crying.

3. You are always crying
Like the others around you, nostalgic for something you have never known, a salty liquid flows constantly from the holes that humans call eyes. But you aren’t sad. That is a salty liquid of joy. Joy is that thing you felt before, in those past years, when you experienced something…when God cared.

4. The hole that humans call mouth is always moving
But are those words coming out? No. It isn’t breath either. It is wind. Fierce gusts surging from your soul. The soul is the hole that humans are trying to fill. Your soul is currently full of beautiful crystal-fronted devices. You can touch their slick screens, you can access all of those shared experiences, you can steal images of those holes that humans call eyes and mouth. The screens will never dim. They always glow brighter, more intense… just like something you know…something so familiar.

5. That crystal-fronted device, that fills the hole that humans call soul, that glows like something you’re nostalgic for, something you have never experienced, needs to be charged. Read more