It’s no surprise that horror movies are big business these days in America. It doesn’t take a degree in advanced thermal literature to know why, either. We like being scared, having nightmares and not getting to have sex with our special lady because she is ‘freaked out’.
We can’t get enough!
But there’s a problem in Denmark and the problem smells because it is far beyond its expiration date and it’s not Denmark its Hollywood: There are no new ideas!
Take a gander at just some of the movies in 2013 with the exact same premises:
People with masks or without masks are going to break into your house and kill you or just kill you wherever. They’re not ghosts or demons, just shitty people:
- You’re Next
- Texas Chainsaw 3D
- The Lords of Salem
- Hate Crime
- Storage 24
- No One Lives
Bullshit found footage AKA snake-oil for rubes:
- The Conjuring
- Paranormal Activity 5
- The Aztec Box
Spooky-ass ghosts and the ghosts possess people sometimes and the movies feature crazy zooms or people on wires or contortionists or people filmed backwards and often times there are creepy kids. For some reason people get scared of creepy kids but kids are really easy to fight or kill. Usually one good wallop works:
- The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia
- No Tell Motel
- The Last Exorcism
- Come Out & Play
- The Haunting of Helena
- The Last Will and Testament of Rosalind Leigh
Zombies. These movies should all be 5 minutes long. Oh no, society collapsed and everyone is zombies! *shoots self* The End:
- Too many to list
See what I mean? Hollywood needs to wake up and smell the morning coffee and then drink the morning coffee because I do not want to talk to them before they’ve had their morning coffee.
I think that I could earn tens of dollars or even more than that by selling my horror movie ideas because no one has made movies like these and I assure you these ideas are terrifying!
10. Crab Man of the Toilet
What happens when an entire town is too terrified to poop or pee in the toilet?
The Crab Man was a simple sewer-treatment-plant worker until the day that he had taken enough of the townspeople’s shit and leaped to his death in the treatment bog. His corpse drifted into a clump of flushed prescription drugs and a dead crab. The three things combined into a new being: The Crab Man of the Toilet! Now he swims up the sewer pipes to bite and pinch your ass or balls or lady business. Also he was an amateur boxer so he might punch the hell out of your balls.
9. Talk to Girls… Or Else!
Irving Fishbein is a nerd and a geek. But not the kind of nerd or geek that girls these days like (they like hot and popular guys who put on glasses). He is poor and took calculus in 3rd grade. A real loser. He has acne and malnutrition. Literally has no good aspects. He also has OCD. One day he finds a note that tells him if he doesn’t talk to exactly 3 girls a day he will die in a car accident. No more. No Less.
8. Rape Joke?
Rape is no laughing matter. Rape jokes doubly so. In a dystopian future if you make a rape joke the Global Government Rape Squad rapes you for joking about rape. Not so funny now, is it? They smash up your balls and slap you around, too. They just treat you ridiculously and scuff your shoes. These guys are strict.
7. The Swimming Pool
A young couple’s desire to install a safety fence around their beautiful in-ground pool is delayed by the permit office. One day all four of their children drown to death in the pool while the couple were in the house arguing about the electric bill.
6. Hot Toilet
The toilet is red hot. This is different from the Crab Man movie because it’s the toilet itself doing the frights, not a thing in the toilet. A dude burns up his ass in this movie and he has to be really careful about his dick, too.
5. Mysterious Priest
Katie told rescue workers she wanted to pray out loud with them. That’s when a priest appeared out of nowhere. It was a Catholic priest who had anointing oil with him. A sense of calmness came over her, and the rescue workers. The priest told everyone to remain calm, that the rescue tools would now work and that they would get Katie out of that mangled vehicle.
Their equipment didn’t work but then some other equipment came and that shit worked so basically the priest was right.
After all that stuff no one could find the priest. They were pretty busy so he could have just walked away but we’re almost 100% certain the priest just vanished into thin air and was an angel, not a priest.
4. Did My Wife Fuck Mike?
Mike is my boss. I have a hefty mortgage payment, a daughter in college and my retirement account got devastated by the recession. I think my wife fucked Mike but I can’t afford to say anything.
3. Spotlight Chopper
This god damned helicopter has been hovering around the neighborhood for an hour, shining its spotlight all willy-nilly. Is it the cops? The government? What or whom are they searching for? Also the helicopter could be aliens.
2. The Third Date
Jeff is an average guy working as a data analyst for a corporation. He recently started dating Sally, an girl he met at a music concert. Sally is young, petite and very pretty. So far things are going well. On their second date he got to touch her boob and ass so tonight there’s probably going to be sex. But things take a dark turn when some dude sends Jeff a message on Facebook that says Sally used to date a basketball player. Those guys tend to have some pretty big wieners. Now Jeff must agonize all day in his cubicle. Will his dick be ok for Sally? It’s not like he can get a boner & compare it with basketball player dongs – he’s at work! Why do petite women always have to date really tall guys?
1. The Possession of a Creepy Child by a Team of a Ghost and a Zombie while a Psychotic Killer Kills Up Everyone
“We had no idea this could happen,” says a cop and a scientist who found a really decent camera in the woods. The camera had an SD card documenting the things in the movie title. The scientist thinks he saw a witch in the woods.
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