10 Things That Will Definitely Cause The Apocalypse

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1. People making too much noise

Ancient Sumerians were very smug. They may have invented the written word, but they also wouldn’t shut up about it. But at least they were innovative. These days we just yell at each other over our rap musics and smartphones. Well Enki has just about had it with you assholes. So when Enki advises Ziusudra to construct a big boat, you know we are in trouble. If you aren’t killed by the flood Enlil will crush you to dust when he finds you alive and all of the sacrifices in the world to Utu won’t save you. I’d advise you to all to pipe down.


2. Fjalar, Gullinkambi and a soot-red rooster crow and Garmr howls at Gnipahellir

You better grab a hold of your balls with both hands when Eggthér starts playing his harp because shit’s about to get real. If the waves caused by Jörmungandr don’t get you, the jötnar of Muspelheim will. Before the sky splits in two and Surtr fucks your shit up with a flaming sword, you should probably start jacking off because you’re not going to get another chance.


3. Saoshyant arrives as the final savior of mankind

You will probably start stocking up on food and potable water when the righteous and wicked Manichaean do battle. You’ll have the urge to update your bug out bag when the Frashokereti do the same. You’ll think you were pretty smart to hoard ammo when the dead rise from their grave. You will be wasting your time. Because when Airyaman and Atar flood the world with liquid hot magma and force you to wade through it, your tactical vest isn’t going to mean shit.


4. A New Kalpa Begins

Brahma can hit the snooze button all he wants, but that’s not going to stop reality from contacting into a singularity. Sure there’ll be a new Satya Yuga, but you’re not going to be a part of it.


5. Y’all Forget About Buddha

You can be greedy, lustful, violent, impious, and sexual depraved but do not forget about Buddha. You think you were in for some shit when you forgot about Dre? That’s seem like small fucking potatoes when Maitreya burns up the Earth because you were too ‘busy’ to jot Buddha down in your moleskine. Tie a string around your finger or ask Siri to remind you, otherwise we’re all fucked.


6. Not Doing to the Least of These as You’d Do Unto Jesus

You can summarize the entire gospel in one sentence, “Be nice you people, even the poors.” We’re kind of fucking that up these days. This is bad news because it means Jesus is a-comin’ back and he doesn’t cotton to that shit. It’s going to suck for you even if you’re dead because your soul will be reunited with your physical body. You won’t be able to have sex because skeletons don’t have dicks. Would it kill you to drop a dollar in that homeless man’s cup?


7. Masih ad-Dajjal Shows Up, Thinking He’s All Cool

This has already happened. It’s Obama. We ignored the signs – especially the lack of respect for old people. And here comes ‘our savior’ Obama who promises to heal the world but instead makes it worse. Just remember that you called me a ‘crackpot’ when Allah annihilates all life on Earth, pal. Rand Paul 2016!


8. Cthulhu Breaks Free of His Prison in R’lyeh

Laugh it up people. Hahaha that guy has a squid for a face also he is not real! LMAO ROFL! You thought Dane Cook was a laugh riot, just wait till Cthulu is free to battle Hastur the Unspeakable. Larry the Cable Guy has nothing on this one.


9. Humpback Whales Become Extinct

It’s easy to ignore Whale Wars these days. Hell, who doesn’t enjoy tucking into a generous portion of uqsuq? I know I do. But maybe we shouldn’t. Because when the last of these majestic animals is shuffled off this mortal coil a giant space cigar will come to destroy the Earth.


10. It’ll Probably Be Some Boring Old Asteroid

We all know that science is all about the hubris. We’re all very impressed by your space elevators and laser guns. We love your autism-causing vaccines and sinister plots to control the human genome. We’ll even be wowed when the clones you’ve grown using clandestinely harvested DNA come to kill us. And when Russia finally drills to the center of the Earth and Moscow is melted by molten lava from the core and as a side effect the magnetic poles are reversed we’ll all get together, put our hands on our hips and say, “Huh!”

Science is on a fast track to destroying all life on Earth, but they aren’t going to get the chance.

There are literally shitloads of things zooming around the cosmos at breakneck speeds. One of these things is going to crash into the planet causing mass extinction. There will be no warning. No time for you and  your girlfriend to hide in an underground bunker, no time for Bruce Willis to take the best drilling crew on the planet up to the rock to destroy it while his daughter cries and Steven Tyler sings a Dianne Warren song that’ll lose the Academy Award to some bullshit song from The Prince of Egypt. Nope. You’ll look up into the sky and say, “Hey that’s c-” and then the eternal blackness of non-existence.


Put your apocalypse hat on, because this is happening! Be sure to catch World War Z – in theaters Now!