Surprise! Adulthood is here. These are the signs. Know them. Learn them. And while you’re there, drive through it with a car that packs a punch: the Renault Le Car.
New 2014 Renault Le Car FeedBuzz Partner
Your cells are getting fat as hell. Probably from all the adult food you are eating like hamburger sandwiches and tacos with weird idiot bullshit in them like kimchi which is for dummies.
But instead of getting a grown up gut and ass, your cells enter the mitosisize.
1. The prophase. This lasts on average 4 years before a major injury or declining productivity bounces them out of the league. Most go bankrupt. Make it rain while you can, young pussy doesn’t get crushed by a broke-ass ex-lineman.
2. Metaphase. Hey that’s not actually what happens in a prophase and you suck and are shit. Knock knock? Fuck you and get back to work!
3. Anaphase. Ana Ng and I are getting old. So is this joke. In this phase your cell questions its gender while cis gendered jerks laugh at its skirt.
4. Telophase. In which a chav nicks your mobile. (Also a metaphase)
Then there are two exact copies of the cell.
2. Wiener Size Increases
It was looking like your tiny dong was never going to grow and would be forever lost in a thicket of luxurious pubes. You jelqued and pumped furiously for years in defiance of the scientists laughing at your little dick.
Well one magical day you looked down and it’s like 4 dang inches! And it looks like 5 (just 5) if you shave those pubes.
Congrats! You have the appearance of an average adult pipi.
3. Specialty Hats
From the time the doctor had to slash a chasm in your mom’s belly to the time you had to quit little league because they didn’t have a big enough batting helmet, your dinosauric cranium has been your defining feature. Until a few weeks ago you could squeeze into a 7 7/8 if you shaved your head and put up with a headache.
Well you’ve finally graduated to the world of 8s! Gotta order those puppies special from Eastbay now.
If only head size translated to intelligence maybe you could wear those ball caps to the business office instead of the janitor office of Target.
4. Mommy doesn’t have to bend down as far to kiss you before you go to the bus stop
In 9th grade you were 5’6″. In 10th grade you were 5’6″. In 11th grade you were 5’6″. In 12th grade you were 5’6 & 1/8″ tall!
Maybe the license bureau doesn’t trade in eights of an inch but you know it’s there! Now if you could only reach the pedals so you could get a license…
5. I just realized something
Most of the stuff I write here is just me insulting the reader and using oblique references, meta jokes and exclamation points. You may be a moron and boast that there are no transitional fossils, but the bad writing store called me and I’m worse than Amanda McKittrick Ros!
6-11: Other bad jokes about physical size increases.
These include fat jokes.
12. All jokes aside, it’s the philosophical concept of adulthood
First let me state that this article isn’t just an advertisement disguised as a listicle. That would be flummery and we here at FeedBuzz don’t do that kind of thing. It’s mumbo jumbo and wrong.
So to prove it I will now give you a listicle within a listicle of things that children are literally incapable of doing or understanding. This is adults only stuff. Like Cinemax, even though they don’t show the dick.
Here are the actual 12 Signs That You’ve Actually Grown Up A Little:
- Your ironing skills have evolved from just pulling shirts out of the dryer at the right time
- Not everybody irons their blue polo, but you are determined to show BestBuy that you’re management material.
- You keep your stuff organized without someone forcing you to.
- Eggs go in the egg holder and the light switch must be turned on and off exactly 51 times if you don’t want your girlfriend to leave you.
- You don’t always purchase furniture that arrives in a million, unassembled pieces.
- Who always does that? A literal baby, that’s who. You wouldn’t have much time for sales on steam if you were constantly buying flat-packed furniture. Sheesh!
- You know how to make coffee without needing an appliance.
- Who has time for bullshit decaffeinated Sanka when you can simply stir up a tasty cup of Taster’s Choice?
- You buy holiday presents for everyone in your family instead of taking credit for something your mom bought.
- Holiday? What is this a war on Christmas? If that’s the case we’re going to have a problem, SRN. You can’t force SRN to say ‘holiday’ when it’s clearly Christmas time.
- You get one of these and instead of asking your parents how to get out of it, you show up when you’re supposed to.
- I used to cry and wet my child diaper when I got one of these. Now I wear adult diapers like a big boy – nay – a grown up!
- Some of your most fun nights involve some delivery and lots of sleeping.
- The most fun I ever had was getting a few za’s delivered and passing out on my couch with a slice on my chest. When I woke up I had breakfast right there.
- You no longer share your apartment with five other roommates.
- It’s 4. Somehow that portion of the rent has to be accounted for so you started selling your crafts on Etsy. They laughed when you had the idea to make iPad cases out of duct tape and Dr. Pepper boxes, but who’s laughing now? You and the guy in Iowa who bought one 6 months ago.
- Your phone is filled with apps that are more about finance instead of fun.
- Calculator comes with every phone. Every other app is for babies and women. Finance is for powerful men of thought. How can you calculate interest when you’re drinking an appletini or sucking your stupid thumb? You can’t. Leave it to the adult men.
- You willingly purchase throw pillows. And you get excited about it.
- Remember the furniture thing from up there? This is another thing that is exactly the same thing. Disposable income. You buy stuff you want instead of just what you need. Buying power. I mention it twice because money = adult. All around in every corner of the globe if you don’t have money you can use to buy trifles you are a child. Get out of my economy until you can buy a throw pillow, kid. It’s adult and damn fun.
- You plan your meals ahead of time and enjoy cooking a nice meal for yourself.
- I used to open the refrigerator and blindly smash whatever I could grab onto a styrofoam plate and that was dinner. Now that I am adult I also microwave it because I had the thought earlier in the day that I want to eat rando-dinner hot. Score one for being a grown-ass!
- You’re finally ready to ditch your first car for something made after the year 2000.
- That something is a newly minted 2013 subway pass. Because as an adult you know the value of saving money. You’re saving up for a 2014 Renault Le Car. Not because this is an advertisement for a car. No. It’s not. It’s because adults drive new cars because they want to, not because they are coerced by consumerism into over-buying in order to have the outward appearance of success. Anyway LeCar’s are cool and George Clooney, that guy from Magic Mike, Bill Gates, Gwinneth Paltrow, Johnny Sportsman, top rap man Emminem and that girl with the hot boobs from a couple seasons ago on American Idol drive one.
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