It’s a good time for spook outs because it’s not so hot anymore. I’m talking about the outside weather. Ghosts and ghouls, which are a type of ghost, eschew the heat. If a ghost is haunting up your place, simple crank up the furnace. They’ll ride out to greener pastures. I assure you of this.
The point is that real life spook outs are not in any way cool or nice. But we have make pretend movies we can watch to get our spooks in and when we leave the movie house we’re safe instead of terrorized by haints.
Last year I made a list of movie ideas and I’m not in a good thinking mode so I’m doing it again, but this time the movie ideas are new. Hollywood should take note, because there’s six weeks till Halloween. Plenty of time to make some spooky shows for people.
1. The Ninja of Hell
Synopsis: A clan of ninja from Hell erupts from the verdant earth in medieval Rivendell.
2. The Devil of Hell
Synopsis: Have you noticed that if you drop the D from devil you get ‘evil’? Because you do. Also ‘D’ is an euphemism for ‘dick’. So when you add a D to Evil, you get ‘devil’. In other words an evil dick. In this flick an evil dick plays a trick – getting kicks by sticking chicks (with his hell trident).
3. The Hell of Monkey Hell
Synopsis: In this movie there are some rough and bad customers. Just a bunch of real assholes. The get their comeuppance and it’s no surprise that they don’t end up in heaven. Instead they go to hell. But – plot twist – it’s monkey hell! Who gives a shit?
4. The Buckle End of Hell
Synopsis: Technically, there’s a lot of stuff ‘between your legs’. You want me to ‘kiss you between your legs’? Can you be more specific? Because all of this, ‘down there’ and ‘between my legs’ stuff is confusing. Did your last boyfriend just poke around till he got it right? I mean, c’mon!
5. The Ninja Devil
Synopsis: A clan of evil dick ninja from the depths of Hell erupt from the verdant earth in medieval Rivendell.
6. Your Mother is a Bitch
Synopsis: I didn’t even pick that stupid sweater for her. It was crowdsourced. I don’t need her shit every time we go over there for dinner which is always spaghetti and meatballs.
7. The Blood of Hell
Synopsis: A doctor who is also a master of the occult uses a magic cloak pin to summon the blood of hell into a science beaker. That blood does a lot of dick moves after that. Like killing people. In Cincinnati.
8. Don’t Scream at the Devil in Hell
Synopsis: I find that if you can hamhandedly mash a bunch of semi-intelligible words together, it’s funny to people who like funny things. Which is everyone except the veritable Hitlers of the Internet who don’t laugh at shit and cry when they’re alone in the middle of the night. Anyway this one’s about the Devil doing asshole things to people.
9. Revenge of Hot Toilet
Synopsis: In the first Hot Toilet, the toilet was destroyed. Or so they thought. Actually the toilet slowly re-formed in order to mutilate the asses of a new generation of victims. Also it could just be a different hot toilet. Those hot-water on-demand systems are tricky.
10. The Jail of Ninja Devil Hell Blood
Synopsis: The main devil is pissed at the ninja devil. All they ever do is erupt from the verdant earth in medieval Rivendell instead of making the modern world a vast hellscape. So he – the main devil – puts the ninja devil into jail. There are spook outs in that jail like a dog woman without skin who’s bleeding at all times. Stuff like that.
11. The Monkey Ninja In Hell
Synopsis: The monkey ninja are the good guys in this yarn. They’re getting fed up with the devil’s shenanigans and they travel to hell to tell him to take a hike!
12. The Hell Death of the Blood Ninja
Synopsis: The blood ninja are bad guys in this fable. The benevolent monkey ninja lord, Shinjo Machinjo, kills them all with a glonus and cultual katana. That’s in the opening scene. They rest of the parable is about how they are tortured in hell by the devil. Stuff like turning them into dog people and removing their skin so they constantly bleed.
13. Hot Toilet III: In Hell
Synopsis: Hot Toilet is BACK AGAIN! Now it’s in hell because the devil rightly believes in the evil of Hot Toilet. One day I hope to be featured on a jumbotron. Which brings me to a good point – if your name is Jim, you should get a big big TV and call it ‘the Jimbotron’. Hot Toilet is even hotter in Hell!
14. Drag Me to Ninja Hell
Synopsis: This is a surprise sequel to Hot Toilet. A ninja appears after your death to drag you to hell where you will be seated upon the hot toilet – and it’s really really hot this time – for eternity. The ninja are also being punished by doing this task because the jail is full.
15. Take This Pill and Go to Hell!
Synopsis: You have a headache. What will you do? Take a pill because it’s today – the modern world. But in the night a hell ninja has replaced your Anacin with Hell-Anacin. And now you’re going to Hell! It will be torturous because you will have no skin and will be fused with a dog.
16. The Ring: Computer Edition
Synopsis: That girl who died in a well is back but this time she crawls out of your computer or tablet computer. You can’t stop her. She crawls out and tries to sell you Norton security software which would prevent these kind of attacks before they start. Sponsored by Symantec.
17. Ninja Devil vs Blood Monkey
Synopsis: That old scamp the Devil is at it again. He’s now a ninja because they taught him in jail. Blood Monkey is another sort of bad immortal guy, but not a demon or devil. Like a vampire, only way stronger. At least twice as strong as Dracula. They fight over who will rule the Hell.
I hope you are having a good spook!
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