4 Biggest Historical Derps

1. World War II

Let’s say peaceful aliens made contact tomorrow: we would probably get pretty stoked! We would put out a really nice vegetable tray, you know, with 3 kinds of dip, for their visit to the United Nations. We’d take them to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, maybe show them some old X-Files episodes and have a laugh about it. Sooner or later, though, someone will probably ruin it for everybody by accidentally mentioning the Holocaust. It happened pretty recently so there are still people who lived through it to talk about it. So here we are showing Vlurg and his buddies our iPhones and suddenly they aren’t having any of this shit anymore.

2. Slavery

Now the aliens are pretty steamed and they’re starting to ask a lot more questions after someone took them to see 42, the story of Jackie Robinson. They want to know about race relations all of a sudden and it’s getting pretty awkward because even though Vlurg is green but earlier when he pulled out his wallet I saw a picture of his wife and she’s just an intelligent cloud. This stuff is clearly not an issue on his planet. So now we have to tell him that there were times in history when other people weren’t allowed to be people, because hell, why not? Vlurg looks down at his McRib and says he isn’t hungry anymore.

3. Religion

Naturally, the conversation comes to why were all these things allowed and some blabbermouth mentions Christianity. Well, Sally, the administrative assistant, has to put her little speech in. She invites our alien visitors to come to Sunday School and now ALL of us have to go. Vlurg and his buddies sit there politely until Sally’s preacher asks them if they want to be baptized. Luckily, this doesn’t really translate all that well and so we end up skinny dipping at the river. Someone (Dave) had the foresight to bring a couple of 6 packs so the day wasn’t a total waste, I guess.

4. Billy Crystal

Despite the bad parts of humanity the aliens had to witness, Vlurg and his friends tell us they will be back in a couple of weeks with the cure for all diseases and advanced technology and such. He told Dave and I he’d even try to find us a jet pack or two. Everyone is feeling pretty hopeful. Then out of nowhere Dave has to do his Miracle Max impression, which has never gone over well even at our office parties, and Vlurg stops dead in his tracks. “Is this the planet with Billy Crystal??” Vlurg asks me, a glazed expression covers his 7 eyes. “Well that won’t do. That won’t do at all.” he dejectedly kicks the dirt and climbs the stairs of his saucer. “Wow, look at the time. We’ve really got to get going.”

Thanks Dave.


I live in the Alabama.

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