by Barry Toast (tt)
I live quite the life. Like the noble monk, I am in a state of constant solitude and study. Like a modern day Tony Montana, I have seen cocaine once and own two video game consoles. Like the mightiest of mountains, I do not have sex. I live like a prince. Hell, I live like Prince! And yet, even a prince must occasionally yearn for the quaint trappings of peasant life, and like that prince, I occasionally desire an existence outside of the one I currently experience. These four Naruto and Naruto Shippuden opening credits scenes, which I have discovered during my studies, ultimately encapsulate lives that would make great replacements for my own.
- Naruto Opening 5
Watch how the story unfolds during the credits: it’s visual, frenetic, and hey, even the pudgy guy is involved! These three things demonstrate a future I wish I had; a past I wish I experienced. Also notice how the inclusion of friendship is demonstrated by Naruto’s willingness to save Sasuske with his fellow compatriots, in spite of the many dangers he may face. Inspiring! I yearn for this level of friendship that I have never once experienced. Now, do not get me wrong, I do have a lot of friends. My Uncle Gershon is an incredible friend for example; he sends me a check for 25 dollars every year! My custom made BoShek lego is a noble friend as well. However, I could never imagine going the distance for my uncle that Naruto went for Sasuske. Poor Gershon, helplessly flailing and complaining about the poor state of kosher delis in Dallas and the surrounding suburbs as he is taken away by the sound ninjas to Oorichimaru, who will ultimately use him as his next host. Even he would recognize that it would be stupid of me to try and save him. I mean, for Pete’s sake, if that happened to my friend I would just call the local authorities, something Naruto has obviously forgotten about! Being very stupid, Naruto does not recognize how silly it is for him to go after Sasuske when the proper authorities could just help him, instead of going on the quest four other teenagers and failing like an idiot. I wish I was stupid enough to be noble and fight the toughest warriors for the sake of my dearest friends, and not wise enough to recognize how stupid that would be.
- Naruto Opening 2
The youth and power exuding from this opening credits scene sends chills down my spine! I would love to live a life where feats of teamwork, physical exertion, and valor helped shape my future. While I have personally never dabbled in sport, let alone a “Chunin Exam” with ninjas or warriors, I did spend my third grade summer at the Mt. Moses Summer Camp in Weimer, Texas! I did not learn the values of teamwork and determination however, and instead a fish bit me during my first morning lake swim. To this day I am still afraid of water, hiking, crafts, and most varieties of seafood. Had that fish not bit me, had those children not made fun of me for getting bit by the fish, calling me names like “Fish Boy” and “Pine Cone Fucker,” perhaps my life would be different now. I would perform more physical actions, have more friends, and maybe even have entered our world’s “Chunin Exam,” college.
- Naruto Shippuden Opening 7
Everyone has an edge…a twisted part of them that wants to fulfill their darkest desires. Look at Gene Simmons of television fame. He was once in KISS, splitting blood! Look at Goku, a humble messiah, and yet within him lies the dreaded Oozaru. The seventh opening credits scene of Naruto Shippuden brings out this darkness in me, this bad boy that has always wanted to roam free on some sort of motorcycle or hog. It shows an anti-heroic life I have always thought of living, one that involves me having many clones with super powers like magnetism and “Got Your Soul!” hands. I would enjoy having those powers so much. What Uncle Gershon, is this corned beef too dry? You know what I think is dry, my magnetism that is bending these forks into swears written in a cursive font, so please take note and fear me that’s what is really dry here! I wish I could live that life right now. There are truly two sides to me: the scholar, and the demon. This video demonstrates the latter side: the havoc I would unleash, the terror I would bring upon the villagers of countless alternate worlds, the roguish good looks I could potentially have with many of my forms. I guess I better stop typing about this, because I’m starting to smell… brimstone.
- Naruto Shippuden Opening 10
Remember when I told you about my two sides? Well, guess what, my inner demon was playing you the fool! There are really three sides to me, but this third I keep locked down for fear of causing a ruckus that may anger my neighbors. This third side of the rubik’s cube is my inner party animal. In the old days I used to rabble some rouse if you get my drift. I’m talking about staying up all night, playing Smash with my bros, slurping down energy drinks, et cetera, et cetera. I was rowdy. I was a renegade. I was rebellious! Once the Stevensons moved next door however, the party was over. There were noise complaints, they called the usually hospitable Johnny Law on me, and before you could say ‘Kabuto,’ my cola nights and caviar dreams were finished. The fun in my life was soon replaced with the milquetoast banality of mid afternoon video games and late night pornography that I could only react to in hushed tones. Through this opening credits scene I imagine a life I could potentially have back and then some, one not only filled with dancing and partying all by lonesome, but a world where my fellow Chunin and I could vanquish demons while getting our boogie down on the dance floor. In this world they wouldn’t necessarily have to be warriors. I mean I definitely would not mind hanging out with a warrior, and if you are a warrior who wants to hang out please contact me on twitter and I would gladly dance with you, but anyone is fine. I just want to go out sometimes, and meet people, and dance in a club and have conversations that aren’t about deli meats or skin problems. Naruto makes it so easy… if only it were so easy…
 I have finished studying Star Wars and now I am studying Naruto.
 Wii, Wii U
 Before you unimaginatively criticize this perfectly fine relationship, ask yourself: was Frankenstein not friends with his creation?
 Ha! Someone better warn Orochimaru about my uncle’s psoriasis!
 In literary terms, “the noble fool”
 Funny how it means “a servant of the devil,” and yet I would serve no one…
 The Scholar, The Bad Boy (Demon)
 I call him Cool Dan
 A year ago
 Uncle Gershon
 Fun Fact: I wish Stevenson meant “Orochimaru The Accursed” in Swedish
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