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4 SAUCES I’VE USED TO AVOID AWKWARD SOCIAL SITUATIONS

We’ve all been there, right? Awkward situations I mean. We all have them. If you don’t, please keep reading anyway. We’ve been bribed by the good folks at Dragon’s Blood Elixir to make this article, so strap yourselves in and please click all the banner ads on this page before you leave.

The following are real, unedited awkward social situations and 100% authentic descriptions of the sauces that saved me from them.

INCIDENT #1

It’s a cool evening at my friend Josh’s house. We’re enjoying our beers and the basketball game on TV. I think it was the Cavs and the Warriors. The volume was low because we were blasting LCD Soundsystem. This is just how we party.

Things are great, I can’t stress this enough, at this party I’m at. Then my buddy Armand shows up and Ellie is in the doorway behind him. Armand’s name isn’t the only irritating thing about him: he’s also just brought my ex-girlfriend along as his plus one to this until-very-recently-chill evening. The break up with Ellie was messy, and we are not on good terms, Ellie and I. Armand and I are not on good terms now either. What the hell, man.

I don’t want to be at this party anymore. Not only is my ex here, but the Cavs are not doing so hot. But how am I going to excuse myself without making things even more uncomfortable? Just then I think of the killer condiment I used on my meal earlier that day. “Excuse me, Josh,” I announce to the room loud enough for everyone to hear, even with LCD Soundsystem blaring, “I have just remembered something and I need leave now.”

Josh is skeptical. What’s this thing I’ve remembered and why is it so important? So I tell him, once again loud enough for all partygoers, Ellie included, to hear. “I have a bottle of Dragon’s Blood Elixir Unique Destiny Smoky Maple Garlic Bacon at home and I want to put more of it on my food.

Unique Destiny Smoky Maple Garlic Bacon hits you right away with some serrano pepper hotness. A clean blast of pepper warmth and a hint of smoke. It doesn’t end there, though, my friend. You’re also getting tastes of maple, garlic, and bacon. Yes, just like the words in the name of the sauce itself. The maple sweetness compliments the heat in a really fascinating way. The bacon merges with the chipotle and serrano smokiness like they were born to be together. And the garlic? Who doesn’t love garlic.

What I’m saying is: this sauce is fresh. The flavor, the ingredients, all of it. There’s this hint of apple aftertaste too and its blowing my mind just thinking about it. I must leave now and have more of this sauce.”

As my review finished so too did the final track on the LCD Soundsystem album This is Happening, aptly titled ‘Home’. Exit stage left. Later that evening I got a text from Ellie. “u were so cool at josh’s party. hey whats the name of that sauce u were yelling about??”

The Situation: Running into an ex at a party
The Sauce: Unique Destiny Smoky Maple Garlic Bacon

INCIDENT #2

Out to dinner with the guys. It’s me, Tom, Josh, Evan, Ben, and Armand. Yeah I know I should still be mad at him but he’s part of the crew. Plus, how can anyone be mad when we’re chowing down on sushi. This is great.

We’re polishing off spicy tuna rolls, tempura shrimp rolls, some roll with eel on it that I missed the name of. Evan is enjoying big slabs of sashimi. The rest of the guys are too dazzled by the flashy rolls, but I respect Evan’s decision. Everything is great, no awkwardness in sight. Then the bill comes.

We’re passing the bill around, tallying up what we owe, and throwing in cash. Once around the table and we’re done, right? Wrong. Short almost $20. Okay, one more time. Another pass and… still short $4? Okay, did you guys remember to count tax? Yes? Alright, what’s going on here. Evan and Josh even included tip already, so how are we short $4??

Tom makes the bold suggestion that we get out a calculator, or maybe ask the waiter if he can split the check for us. Armand is strangely opposed to this idea. Things are getting drawn out and uncomfortable and I don’t like it. There is discord among friends.

“Wait!” I exclaim, “Listen to this. We need to work together. Like the ingredients in the Unique Destiny Cajun Honey Mustard sauce.” The boys nod in understanding. They remember this delicious sauce from last week’s wing night.

“The apple puree, cider, and vinegar team up with the honey to deliver a sweet platform for the spicy brown mustard to ride in on. The lines blur between mustard, hot peppers, garlic and cajun spice. A bright, spicy combo that rides across your tongue, leaving a satisfying linger of heat. There’s some sea salt in there too, and I’m not sure what that does. It’s definitely important though. Armand, that’s like you. You’re the sea salt.”

My comparison of our group to  a good and enjoyable sauce reignited the spirit of cooperation. Armand reached into his wallet and began to tell us something. “Guys, I gotta admit I-” Oh, but what’s this? An interruption! “Excuse me, gentlemen,” the waiter cleared his throat. “The chef has informed me that your meal this evening will be on the house. Comped. Gratis. Free of charge. There’s just one condition: you must tell us the name of that delicious sauce you just described!”

“Why of course! That name is Dragon’s Blood Elixir. If you check my blog later I’m doing a sponsored post about their products.” So long awkward situation, hello free meal.

The Situation: Settling the check after going out to eat with my bozo friends
The Sauce: Unique Destiny Cajun Honey Mustard

INCIDENT #3

I’ve just landed at the Sea-Tac airport for an excellent three-week vacation in the Pacific Northwest. The sort of luxurious getaway you can afford when you make as much blog ad revenue as I do. Sorry to brag. I’ve said my polite farewells to the airline staff, exited the plane, and I find myself at the big carousel. As soon as I get my bags I can begin my vacation.

You already know where this is going, right? Who among us doesn’t know the dread of watching the carousel for luggage. After waiting half an hour for the bags to start popping out the chute, I watch the other travelers reunite themselves with their belongings one by one. Is that one mine? No. No, not that one either. Everyone uses black bags. I make a mental note to buy luggage in a different color next time. I file the note away with the other identical mental notes I’ve made on every other trip I’ve ever taken.

This is excruciating. I want to go home. There’s no more bags left. The carousel stops. I look around the concourse or whatever this area is called and it’s virtually empty. Baggage claim, I think its called. Which part is the concourse? Snap out of it that isn’t important. All my stuff is in there! This can’t be happening.

“Excuse me, ma’am,” I tell the nearest person I can find with some sort of uniform on. I’m slightly out of breath even though I’ve been just standing around for the better part of an hour now. “Are there any other bags? Is there another truck with more bags coming, maybe?” She shakes her head no. She looks sympathetic, but that’s not helping me right now.

“I’m not sure what I should do! All my clothes were in there, and a little pouch with my toothbrush and all that stuff. And, of course, my trusty bottle of Dragon’s Blood Elixir Hot Sauce. It’s guaranteed to cure bland food, and its also good for what ails you. That’s what it says on the label and its true. I know the food here is great, but sometimes you want to add some hot sauce. I like the habañero heat, the fire roasted salsa flavor, and that interesting hint of apple that seems to haunt your mouth. In a good way, like a friendly ghost. Best of all, the sauce is made in my home state of Connecticut, so I’m never homesick when I bring my sauce.”

“Did you say apple?? Sorry, I overheard you talking about your situation and this wonderful sauce. I’m a famous Italian fashion designer.” Sure enough, it was. I’m not allowed to tell you his name but trust me its the most famous one. “I’m here visiting Washington for inspiration for my new Fall line. Incidentally, I happen to love apples and hot sauce and I’d like to help you out. I’ll lend you some of my suits to wear during your trip.” Wow, I couldn’t believe it!

While I’m thanking the must-remain-anonymous designer, a TSA agent taps me on the shoulder. “Sir, we gave our luggage-sniffing dogs the description of that hot sauce and we found your bags on the runway.” She was holding both of my bags. What luck! “Now, normally I don’t do this, but do you think we could all have a taste of that sauce?” We all had a good laugh and yes, of course I shared.

The Situation: Lost luggage
The Sauce: Dragon’s Blood Elixir Signature Hot Sauce

INCIDENT #4

It’s my favorite time of the day: time to eat. I’ve got the day off from work, Ellie is coming over later, and I’m about to prepare myself a big lunch with some of my favorite hot sauces. I’m in a great mood.

I open the fridge door, pull out the sandwich ingredients and then reach for the bottles of sauce. Wait, hang on a second where are they? This can’t be right. Where is the Smoky Maple Garlic Bacon? Where’s the Cajun Honey Mustard? Where’s the tried-and-true Signature Hot Sauce?? That’s when I see Ray.

Ray is my roommate Amanda’s live-in boyfriend. I mean, he’s not on the lease but he’s here all the time. He doesn’t pay rent or utilities but he still treats this place like home. Another thing he doesn’t pay for: groceries. Which is why its strange that Ray has a few drops of sauce on his shirt. I think we all know what happened here.

“Ray, can I talk to you for a second? Did you use up my sauces, man? Not cool.” He denies it. Says he might have tasted one by accident once but it was nothing special. Nothing special?? Now I know he’s lying. “Hey Ray, I’ve actually got one more bottle of sauce left.” His eyes light up. This guy must love the taste of Dragon’s Blood Elixir sauce as much as I do. “I’ll let you try it on two conditions: Condition one, you admit you like the sauce. Condition two, if you try this stuff and its too hot for you to handle, you gotta pay for the next 5 orders I place on DragonsBloodElixir.com.”

It’s a deal. He is such a sauce-hound he doesn’t even stop to consider this might be a trap. He reads the label on my secret weapon. “Unique Destiny Scorpion Bowl? What, does it taste like those drinks at the Chinese restaurant?” He laughs. I drizzle a bit into a spoon and he pops it in his mouth.

I can read it on his face as he goes through each stage. The aroma of the pineapple, apricot, orange juice, and cherry hits his nose first. He thinks this is going to be a breeze. Then, the pin prick of heat radiates out across his tongue as the pepper works its magic. You see, the scorpion pepper is one of the hottest peppers on the planet. There is a reason for the skull and cross bones sticker on the bottle cap. Ray’s nose is running a bit. His eyes are watering too, I think some of the sauce touched his lips. He lasts about 15 seconds before he’s scrambling to pour himself a glass of milk.

“You win,” he says between gulps of the milk I paid for, “this sauce is too hot for me to handle. The fruit sweetness combined with the intense scorpion pepper heat is an incredible and complex flavor sensation that I was not prepared for. I pledge to uphold my end of the bargain.”

The Situation: Ray is a mooch
The Sauce: Dragon’s Blood Unique Destiny Scorpion Bowl

I hope you’ve all learned something today, be it ways to turn awkwardness into opportunity or just the name and web address of the hot sauce company that sent us free stuff. For a non-awkward time, choose Dragon’s Blood Elixir at DragonsBloodElixir.com.