Politics Much? · Uncategorized

4 Things I’ll Miss About the Government Shutdown

It’s been a couple weeks but I’m finally getting around to writing my article on the government shutdown. It’s a tragedy! According to the news articles I am literally reading as I type this, it’s a very bad thing. And I know how much I dislike bad things, especially if I’m told by the internet that it’s a bad thing. So I’m here to rally against this government shutdown and fight it to the death. I’m going to fight the whole government.

Oh, wait, it’s over? Oh man, I’m really glad to hear that. I don’t even know what it meant to shut down the government since I still saw cops poking their heads where they didn’t need to be, like in the shoe store where I was trying to hit on the shoes. What were they even fighting over, land? Anyway, as you can see I don’t know shit about the government shutdown because I’ve been playing Grand Theft Auto for a month and I don’t know better. There are a few things that came from the shutdown, though, that will be sorely missed as we move forward into what will most likely be an era of complete political cooperation and harmony.

1. Newspaper Headlines

There was something very calming about my morning routine during the government shutdown. Most of the morning was usual: I would wake up eight to eleven times, finally pull my horrible bloated body out of bed and get dressed. Then I would drive to work, but on the way I would pick up a newspaper. The magic of that small portion of my morning, though, was that I knew exactly what the headline of the newspaper  would be before I even saw it. “These are the people who are sad today about the government shutdown,” “This is one of the guys fighting about the government with all the other government people,” “Here’s some animals you can’t see now.”

I REALLY dislike change, and I hate being surprised, so this really brings me some peace of mind that I didn’t know I was missing. Couldn’t be happier about that.

2. Great Tweets About the Shutdown

Man, have you SEEN these things? No wonder our government is essentially bankrupt, we’re getting our credit rating dropped so we can keep these AAA comedy writers working, and the shutdown only means they’re going to need MORE money to crank these jokes out.

I’ll be honest with you; I took a break here to look up some great tweets about the government shutdown, but I ended up on a single person’s twitter reading their great tweets in general. I’m going to show you some of them right now.

This is the perfect example of a great tweet about the government shutdown. You see, this particular user must have awoken in a cold sweat one night, a million thoughts rushing through his mind. He needed a way to escape the words in his head, but he didn’t have many options. Scrambling to his computer, he remembered something his friend from starbucks said once: “Twitter’s a pretty cool website. You can just get on and say, like, whatever random thing you think of.” So began Jonesy Jones’ story, when he created a Twitter account to tweet this very original and never-before-used government shutdown joke first and foremost. Then, of course, he realized what potential he had to make excellent jokes everybody would love.

Jonesy Jones would continue on his path, coming up with even more topical and edgy humor to tweet out. He was a prodigy, and nobody would stand in his way.

At first you may think this is a joke, but in reality this is a very serious tweet. Jonesy Jones is not only humble in suggesting he doesn’t need followers, he addresses the serious issue of cocaine addiction. In support of his cause, I did not follow Jonesy Jones.

Jonesy Jones back on his topical game here! You see, The Walking Dead is a TV show that is popular. Therefore, this joke is a good joke. Nothing more needs to be said here.

Don’t really understand this one, actually. Only posting it in the hopes that someone will explain it to me.

This one is true art. Simple, yet very sophisticated. There are a lot of layers to this tweet and I’m in love with it.

Revisiting the fox concept again, totally understandable. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Love this kid’s style.

Under the surface, you can always sense something with Jonesy Jones. Much like a troubled superhero, JJ prefers a bit of seclusion every now and then. He has a lot on his mind, and when you’re a creative genius sometimes you just need to be alone to sort all of your original and hilarious thoughts out.

Anyways, I got sidetracked thinking about Jonesy Jones. Let’s continue with the list.

3. Lists of Great Tweets About the Shutdown

Holy cow, these lists. I am absolutely bonkers for them. Sometimes it can be hard to filter through the serious political discourse online when you search for government shutdown jokes. I’m not here to care, I’m here to read original and hysterical content from the world’s greatest comedic minds. So they’ve made it easy by making some hashtags, like #ShutdownPickupLines. Being somewhat of a pickup artist myself (I have had sex with at least two women), I couldn’t resist seeing this great stuff. Thankfully, CBS did me a favor and compiled a list of the best ones!

Couldn’t be happier that CBS did me a solid and handed out this list for all curious eyes to see, it really makes finding content simpler. Now I can follow all of these people all at once instead of digging their sweet jokes up! If only there were more sites that found the best things falling under particular categories and compiled them in list form for me.

4. Signs

Boy oh boy, do I love signs. There are few things better and more concise than a good sign. Signs have very specific purposes, and they don’t cut corners unless the sign was designed as a rounded geometrical shape. Then all the corners are cut.

The reason I didn’t like the movie Signs starring Mel Gibson was because there honestly weren’t a lot of signs in the movie and I felt very betrayed by that fact. More movies should be truer to their titles and I would like them better, like Avatar. If Avatar was two and a half hours of me trying to line up a seasonally-relevant image onto the image of my twitter avatar, I would have actually gone and seen that movie.

A sign is a very powerful thing, and thanks to the government shutdown a lot of signs had to be put up letting people know they aren’t allowed to walk in a certain place or look at the big old stone thing someone built up close. In some places you aren’t even allowed to look at trees or giant holes in the ground. Working in DC, I now get to see a fair share of signs all telling me that the government is restricting me from walking around and looking at specific things. Here are a few examples of my favorite signs I got to see during the government shutdown.

Restricted grass. They can't pay for the grass anymore

Restricted grass. They can’t pay for the grass anymore

The ruthless government shutdown has restricted people from being able to look at this sign

The ruthless government shutdown has restricted people from being able to look at this sign

The Department of Interior Design says you can't walk on the grass or swim in the government pool. In the background, you can see some anarchists rallying against the government

The Department of Interior Design says you can’t walk on the grass or swim in the government pool. In the background, you can see some anarchists rallying against the government

These trees are also closed, thanks to this magical window. The real issue here is that the firewood ban was likely cancelled during this time

These trees are also closed, thanks to this magical window. The real issue here is that the firewood ban was likely cancelled during this time

In this image, the world's saddest man tapes the world's saddest sign to a window

In this image, the world’s saddest man tapes the world’s saddest sign to a window

Here you can see a cop wearing a North Face jacket and track pants ready to shoot on sight at anybody who tries to run up the stairs into the catacombs

Here you can see a cop wearing a North Face jacket and track pants ready to shoot on sight at anybody who tries to run up the stairs into the catacombs.

There were a lot of things to love during the government shutdown, and leave it to our government to finally stop doing that thing once I start loving it. I think the thing I’ll miss the most is the signs, but I can rejoice that I have made a new friend in these trying times. I look forward to reading all of Jonesy Jones’ wonderful content.

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FrightShark

Fright Shark is a creature born on the internet who occasionally writes jokes. He works in Washington, DC, and likes to drive his car that has a sunroof. He often brags about how long it’s been since he’s touched a female and has been known to make videos on Snapchat. His dad is not proud of him.

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