Hey there, recent graduate! As you might have noticed through the bleary haze of marijuana smoke, thoughtless hedonism, and fiscally irresponsible study of the so-called ‘humanities’ that has until now clouded your life, we’re in the Economy now, buddy. We’re in a world where millions of people are struggling just to feed their families, and your dissertation on figure and void in Kierkegaard’s philosophical fiction doesn’t translate into guaranteed employment any more. As you slowly come to realise this, you may start to feel despondent. But don’t fear! Just because the entire global order is in crisis, that doesn’t mean you can’t still have your surplus-value expropriated! All you need to do is make the effort to stand out from the crowds of other feckless self-involved millennials, and the best way to do that is to write a great cover letter that’ll really grab the attention of prospective employers. Let’s go! Yeah!
4. Make it personal
The most important rule is this: never use the same cover letter twice – what you write should personally address your employer. Your cover letter shouldn’t just describe why you have the skills needed for the job, but show just how passionate you are about the company you’ll be working for. Be excited! Companies might look scary, with their legions of diazepam-eyed drones and their ability to topple governments at will, but actually they’re often very insecure. Employers need to know that you love them, and you should think of your cover letter as a love-letter to the company you want to work for. Compliment them on their attractive features, their excellent branding strategies, and their alluringly decorated offices or branches. Tell them that ever since you first saw them advertised on TV as a child you’ve wanted nothing more than to devote all your time and energies towards boosting their share index. Be passionate! Think of it like sexting, except with the proviso that if you do get the job stacking shelves from midnight to six am every night, chances are you’ll never have sex again.
3. Get the tone right
If you’re applying for a bank, trading firm, or financial services provider, use these words: dynamic, resourceful, innovative, morally flexible, it never went to court. If you’re applying for a recruitment, sales, or customer-facing job, use these words: energetic, cheerful, positive, SSRI prescription. If you’re applying for a new media job, remove all the vowels. Whatever job you’re applying for, use these words: I am a worm, I am a worm, and only you can make me whole.
2. Use advanced seduction techniques
OK. So you need to open your cover letter with a big strong DHV spike. If your prospective employer is an HB (Huge Business) 7 or above you might want to introduce a jealousy plotline – try talking about how you’re also interested in teaching English as a foreign language or doing volunteer work in Guatemala. Build kino by rubbing your face, hands, and tongue against the paper or computer screen you’re using to write your cover letter. Also, if you do make it to interview, a great way to demonstrate your alpha status is to take a glass of complimentary water and throw it at another interviewee’s face.
1. Renounce all pleasures of the flesh
Employers want to know that you’ll be fully committed to working for them; that your position as part-time sales worker on an at-will contract will be not only the most important thing in your life but the only thing in your life. To reassure them of this, it’s a great idea to castrate yourself with a breadknife, cauterise your vagina shut with an iron, or otherwise mangle into uselessness any genital configuration you might have – and then send photo evidence along with your resumé and cover letter. A world of gainful employment is just around the corner! Good luck!
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