Everybody loves a good work of fiction. These stories, tales, yarns, etc, have the power to enrich our lives in so many ways. And sometimes the only thing that can make a great work of fiction better is an amateur writing a boner-inducing addendum. Too often, however, erotic fanfics get relegated to obscure corners of the internet, which is why I’m so happy to give them some much-deserved mainstream exposure here on feedbuzz! Think you don’t want to masturbate to these beloved characters? Well, you probably think Bush didn’t do 9/11.
5. Diner Sex
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Ew gross, the mom and the daughter from Gilmore Girls have sex in a diner?!” No–don’t be disgusting, I haven’t finished writing that yet, and it happens at a laundromat anyway. Instead, this one opens with a couple ordering a hamburger and chili fries, and boy oh boy does that make the mom from Gilmore Girls “drip with want,” which is why it’s really fortunate that she forgot to wear underwear to work that day. That’s serendipity for ya. Then she does sex with a guy, I’m pretty sure in front of that couple while they’re eating the hamburger and chili fries. Hey, she’s only human.
The best part about this story is that the author keeps referring to it as a “smut story,” apologizing numerous times for having never written a “smut story” before. Well, EnchantedxRomance,” I say, keep doin’ what you’re doin’!
If you’re like me, nothing makes you more tumescent than imagining whether Reba McEntire’s drapes match her carpets. Well it turns out that yes, her drapes are absolutely crawling with dust mites. And you’ll be “red all over,” too–from embarrassment, after your spouse/parents walk in on you furiously strumming your guitar to this bodice-ripper based on the marginal hit show Reba. Rated M for very graphical intense intercourse, “Rebalicious” features “raw animalistic and screwing senseless sex,” “Porn movies” (with a capital P, and that rhymes with V, and that stands for P’s going in V’s), and much, much more over the course of its 5081 words. The only disappointment for me was learning that Reba actually has linoleum floors, as her “womanhood (is) completely shaved.” :/
It’s 2013, guys. Statistically speaking, same-sex erotic fanfics make up at least 10% of erotic fanfics. Well I’m here to say it should be 20% of erotic fanfics. That’s why coming in at number three of five is this 16-chapter roman a fleuve that paints a vivid romance between The Karate Kid’s Daniel-san and his Cobra Kai frenemesis Johnny. Author Gloryblastit doesn’t waste time, having Johnny forcibly kiss Daniel at the end of the first chapter. Turns out that sweeping the leg was just a way for Johnny to get Daniel into prime cuddlin’ position! Once he’s experienced Johnny’s “hard and insistent” kisses, not even a date to Golf ‘N Stuff with Ali can undo Daniel-san’s feelings. After reading “You’re Pretty,” more like you’re pretty sure to be waxing off for hours, you disgusting filth i want my childhood back
OK I know these are called fan “fictions,” but with this Sonic The Hedgehog erotic fanfic I felt like I was there–especially when it gets to the part about the naked pink hedgehog watching an episode of Whose Line Is It Anyway? What really puts this in the Pantheon of Sonic The Hedgehog erotic fanfics is:
- In this story, Sonic is 19, and Amy, who I guess is some retconned girl hedgehog that totally wasn’t in any games that I remember, is 16. Uh, pretty sure that’s illegal, even in Japan where you can buy used panties in vending machines.
- At the end of the story, after both hedgehogs have climaxed, this happens:
“I just realized I forgot the condom,” she told him, then they both chuckled.
OH HAHAHAHA I just raped a teen hedgehog and she’ll probably get pregnant! Just another day at the office! I guess you’ll send poor Amy to Dr. Robotnik to have it “taken care of,” won’t you, Sonic? YOU DISGUST ME
The time I learned about this masterpiece from my Twitter pal @cogentanalysis ranks up there with other great days like 4/20 and 6/9. This brilliant piece of erotic fan fiction can only be described as “seminal.” That’s because the word “semen” appears 5 times in the text. You see, the monster from Jeepers Creepers, like many movie villains, has been grossly misunderstood. He thirsts not for blood–he’s just a Semen Demon™ who mouth-assaults young football players who are already struggling with their sexuality!
“He really seemed to like the way you tasted,” one of the girls says, “He continued for about seven minutes after you passed out and then left.”
The climax, if you will (and I will) of this piece is when the monster gives the protagonist a 48-hour blow job, his third of the story, that makes him pass out. Um, consult your doctor for monster-initiated erections lasting more than 4 hours, bro!
Also, somewhere in the story the main character grapples with coming out to his parents, and boy, losing his virginity to a demon won’t make that conversation any easier! But by that point I had already passed out after all the blood in my body rushed to my penis.
Well, there you have it. Hope you enjoyed the five best works of erotic fan fiction ever written by humans. If you’ve been living in a cave and hadn’t read these before, you can thank me on Twitter at @stevecoy!
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