A M.I.L.F. is industry slang for a Mortgage I’d Like to Finance. Brought to you by the good folks at Southern Illinois Venture Capital Group.
This saucy sub-prime strumpet (pictured left) is open and ready for your big meaty injection of capital. She has been around the block, and she knows how to please your wallet and stroke your staff members. Her upside (and backside) is inviting, promising a future of happy returns. Did I mention this mortgage is only seven years old? But she gives action like she’s 15. Recommended by Goldman Sachs, JP Morgan Chase, and Russian Oligarch Sveotor Gobnikov. Carbondale area. No asset play or swapping.
You may quickly release spurts of cash at the sight of this once-glamorous and desperate MILF (not pictured), who has been folded and paired off numerous times. If you’re into the slightly damaged type, this is for you. She has been on the market for several years now and will submit to just about any takers. She will do most anything you like, and will even let your lawyer watch. Highly recommended by various former Illinois governors. Contact P.O.R.N. for details. Effingdale and Centralia only.
This case (pictured left) is sweet, dough-eyed, and born in the anything-goes late 1990s. Intelligent and highly flexible. A mixed mortgage with German, Irish, and Japanese lineage. Just take her home and do what you want; she will neither protest nor cry as you jam her with numerous capital infusions. She might even let your try her with other sub-prime harlots from the Midwest. Enough cash and she’ll agree to merge with her portfolio-mate! Belleville area and Metro East. No naked shorting. Serious inquiries only.
This case (not pictured) is a true and giving professional, letting any and all cummers invade her ample investments. She has been known to do two investment bankers at once, and even had a three-way with Japanese venture capitalists. She is discreet and will not let your other investments know. She has been specifcally trained since maturity to please creditors and the only limit is your imagination. She is a guaranteed safe investment and has gotten a clean bill of health by Standard & Poor’s. Did I fail to mention she is netscaped? Highly recommended by Emirati and Kuwaiti investors. Contact P.O.R.N. for details. Springfield and Decatur area.
This nasty stack (pictured left) is a right whore who been chopped and sold to numerous buyers around the world. If spotty and low-rated is your game, then she is here for you. S&P rates her as a BB, so basically you can indulge your basest impulses. Lock her in the basement for five years? OK! Chain her to the back of your SUV and drive across town? Sure! Sell her to depraved Chinese realtors? Fair game! Nothing is too low and degraded for this MILF. Be cautious, however, as she may have caught Nigerian and Ukrainian accounts along the way. Part of her may be wanted for fraud back in Romania. She is, however, highly endorsed by TV celebrities Rod Blagojevich and Ray Vinson. Cairo and surrounding area.
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