1) The Handle-Bar Mustache. Made famous god knows when, but utilized by a sports baseball pitcher named Rollie Fingers (most bad-ass name ever? Possibly. Sounds like sex stuff, but we’ll dive into that later), this spectacular mustache that curves up at each end into a circle is top-notch. Who doesn’t like circles? This style minimizes crumbs in one’s lip hair and certainly will get strangers to gawk disrespectfully. You may not make it to the MLB Hall of Fame, but it’s worth a shot. Win in my book.
2) The Fu Manchu. The Fu Manchu is extremely epic. With a thin mustache that dips down past the lips, this style screams “I am a bad man” and “I may need counseling.” Famous Hollywood actor Danny Trejo rocks this style and who can blame him? The guy has never lost a movie and has a tattoo of a woman in a sombrero covering his entire chest. I’d share a mojito with a guy like that. The only downside of this style is that it looks completely moronic.
3) The Neckbeard. In recent years the neckbeard has come under undeniable scrutiny within the millennial generation. American badass, writer and philosopher David Henry Thoreau rocked this bad-boy back in the day. As I continue to crunch numbers, this facial-hair style was actually the reason Thoreau got into writing. It toyed with his head. Wow. Do NOT attribute this awful hair-style unless you would like to be forgotten forever. RIP.
4) The Soul Patch. Do not, under any circumstances, shave your dumb face and make a soul patch. Do not be stupid. This is idiotic.
5) The Hitler. Popularized in 1930-something, underground German celeb, Sir Adolph Hitler came up with his own genius plan for facial hair revolution. The reverse soul patch has caught on worldwide and over 1,476,000 people, women and men, proudly show off their “Hitler ‘Stache” to their friends and family. This hairstyle is highly recommended by me as Hitler was a very successful man and an undeniable idol to all of man-kind.
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