5 Pieces of SEO Clickbait to Advertise My Self-Written Author Profile

1) Funny Animals
Dogs are funny. Dogs. Funny dog pictures. Dogs in hats. Dogs doing cool things. Hilarious cat stunts. Horse videos you won’t believe. Not gross ones. Cutest chipmunk you’ve ever seen eating nuts. Not gross ones. The absolute best animal ever. Domesticated beasts turned web content. Deformed cats who are cute, but kinda gross, but if you don’t like them you’re a monster.

2) Bombastic Current Events Reporting
Democrat blunders. Politician revealed to be sociopath. Violence bad, or maybe not? Republicans are still racist, expose reveals. Shocking documents reveal paper still used to transmit information. Police break law to catch law breaking police officer. Rich people somehow not murdered in their homes on a daily basis. Spectacular insider report of leaked confidential secrets too hot for TV.

3) Celebrity Opinion’s and News
Tom Cruise thinks things about stuff, badly. Ryan Gosling weighs in on topical issue, promotes new movie. Scarlet Johansson voted prettiest Johansson named after fictional Civil War heroine. Celebs gossip among selves about nobodies. Paparazzi killed trying to snap picture of Justin Bieber murdering a paparazzi. One Direction. Hanson? I don’t know and I’m not googling this shit.

4) Cyber Tech Updates
iPhone and instagram: match made in heaven, or unanthropomorphized products bought and sold by soulless cretins? Cloud computing: made in heaven? Maggots refuse to cannibalize Steve Jobs’ corpse. Google and Facebook to insert ads into articles criticizing their advertising practices. Haggard Twitter user writes longer piece for silly blog without remuneration.

5) Sex Stuff Like Boners and Wangs and Tittys
Attractive humans mating! Attractive humans mating! Attractive humans mating! Attractive humans mating! Attractive humans mating! Attractive humans mating! Attractive humans mating! Attractive humans mating! Attractive humans mating!

 

Brendle is a writer, photographer, painter, poet, artist, musician, haberdasher, satirist, dreamer, dad, sister, husband, incarnation of the one true god, writer, artist, candystriper, thinker, blogger, scorpio, serial killer and biological entity trapped inside language. You can find his other amazing work on Blogorama, Twitstreamblr, Literary Dogshit Idiots, Forbes, The New Suicider, Misanthropic Populace, Fakename Magazine and Hyperlink Central. Brendle can often be found writing about himself in the third person, but then italicizing it, so it comes across as separate from the rest of the article you just read, like maybe an editor or someone wrote this and not him. He means, it’s not like he expects someone to read this and then hire him for real money to share his wisdom with the unwashed masses. He doesn’t wait by the phone metaphorically for that one moment when a celebrity or rich person notices his important work and becomes his champion, ushering him into the open arms of notoriety. He’s really tired of not getting the credit he deserves and also for getting the credit he does deserve and especially for getting the credit he doesn’t deserve, but is okay with not getting the credit he doesn’t deserve and also like just a general tiredness, he doesn’t know, maybe he should see a doctor. Like, it’s not normal to wake up tired, right? He doesn’t know. Anyway, thanks for reading this, he would say, if he were writing this, which he isn’t, because, again, it’s in italics.

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2 comments

  1. Katester says:

    Exactly. Could not agree more. Totally gets it.

  2. Larrybobsf says:

    I clicked on it.

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