5 Places Shitloads Of Clowns Are Hiding In Your Car Right Now

If you’ve ever been to a circus or, hell, even just heard about one on the internet, you’ll know that clowns seem to fucking love cramming themselves into tiny ass cars. You may have wondered why this is.  You see, cars are not just forms of transportation. They are, in fact, portals to the Car Dimension. Any reader of J.G. Ballard’s new wave sci-fi classic Crash know just how sexy the Car Dimension is and clowns want nothing more than to fuck all the time. As a result, clowns, though their pure evil magicks mastered in their eldritch clown colleges, have learned how to control portals to the Car Dimension in any vehicle. Beyond this, they master the whole of the demesne of car elemental magicks, able to penetrate, sometimes literally, even the most well-protected of vehicles. Some clowns are able to be gainfully employed by the circus and thus enter the fabled automotive fuckzone at will, emerging only to satisfy the wishes of their cruel, deformed ringleaders. Most clowns, however, have to use the cars of every day people, like you and me. Here are 5 places shitloads of clowns are using as transdimensional portals to the sexy Car Dimension within your car right now. And yes, I mean your car. You cannot stop them. They are inside your car, and they are fucking in the sexy Car Dimension as we speak.

1. Glove Compartment

You might think that clowns would hide in, say, the trunk first. No. That is too obvious. People routinely open and close their trunks and so clowns find the portal to the Car Dimension is left in flux. Plus, they don’t want people seeing what kinds of horrible fucked up car sex shit they get up to. Clowns are always in the glove-compartment, though. There are many deep corners and strange angles obscuring recesses of the glove compartment reached only by change you didn’t remember putting in there, pens, old receipts and, of course, clowns. On average, there are between 5 to 10 clowns in your glove compartment right now.

2. The Pouch On The Back Of The Car Seats

Does anyone know what those things are called? Do they have a special name? And what’s up with cars that don’t have them? Where are you supposed to put atlases, or hide pieces of candy, or put your empty drink cups to piss off the driver? No matter what, they are filled with clowns. There are between 2 and 5 clowns in each of the pouches, and they chuckle with each other all the time because you don’t know they are there, with you, always. They are only chuckling when they are not having rude orgasms in the Car Dimension, where they like to fuck.

3. Inside The Doors

If you have ever dealt with a car without power windows, or perhaps a really fucked up car that does, you’ve seen the window drop into the space between the door panels. You’ve always figured it had to be hollow. I mean, the door is way too light for it to be solid metal. But you never really thought about what was in there. You start thinking, just for a minute or two, and you realize there’s the window, the lock, probably some wiring. But you left out one more thing: clowns, and lots of them. Each door can contain up to 15 clowns, possibly more if the clowns are really small or, paradoxically, very big, but no door even has less than 6 clowns. That means, if you were to go to your car, there are a minimum of 24 clowns just in the door panels alone. No matter where you sit, except dead center in the back, you are outnumbered by them, and they know this, and you don’t.

4. Under The Dashboard

You’ve seen a clock before. They are relatively self-contained. And radios? You’ve unboxed them from Best Buy. They come in a big package, sure, but they are ultimately smaller than your laptop. Why is the dashboard so big? By now, you’ve probably figured it out: clowns. This is where the most clowns are inside your car right now, and always, by far. There are a minimum of almost 60 clowns under the dashboard at all times, but there have been reports of over 100 clowns in a single dashboard. It’s fucked up.

5. Inside The Seats

The porous material used to pad seats below the cloth or leather has enough space in it to fit between 1 to 3 clowns. That doesn’t seem like a great deal, but once you realize that the average car has 5 seats, and SUVs have more, and minivans more than that, etc., the amount of clowns hiding within your seats at any given moment actually quickly adds up. Worse still is their proximity to the body; they are directly below you, cradling your body at all times. You rely upon them and, through reliance, expose your weakness to them. You strap yourself to these clowns. You bind your body to their vestibule. Should they seek to destroy you, you have no escape, no means with which to stop them. You must merely trust them, and pray.


Final Count of Clowns Hiding In Your Car Right Now: 98 – 195 clowns

Langdon Hickman is a writer. He eats from sewers for fun. He drinks rainwater that pools in an old pickle bucket he keeps on his porch. His work has been published on WEAPONIZER, 365tomorrows, and FeedBuzz.