1. Cheap Baseball Replacement
Everyone knows that gourds are a festive autumn decoration. But not everyone knows that gourds can just as easily serve as a baseball if you’re in a pinch. Simply throw the gourd towards home plate like normal. You’ll be surprised how much this motion resembles the flightpath of a traditional baseball.
2. Cheap Baseball Bat Replacement
Now, you’re going to need a longer-than average gourd for this. Look for a gourd that is at least 2 feet long, and rock-hard. Those work the best. If you can’t find that, tie several zucchini together. A little floppy, but hey you’re the dummy who doesn’t have long hard gourds, not me!
3. Cheap Baseball Mitt Replacement
Don’t spend hundreds of dollars on an overpriced glove! What those mitt-making jerks don’t want you to know is that you can just hollow out any old gourd, and catch shit in that. If Rawlings knew I was telling you this, they would most likely hire someone to make an attempt on my life. So you owe me.
4. Cheap Catcher’s Gear Replacement
– a gourd for the face
– a gourd for the chest
– knee-gourds (haha, pun definitely intended!)
– an extremely sharp knife
Cut gourds up into the shape of catcher’s equipment. Fasten gourds to body using tape, rubber bands, and/or liquid cement. Use the money you save to buy a boombox pre-loaded with popular sports songs. They sell them at Target, I think.
5. Cheap Baseball Opponent Replacement
Don’t have anyone to play against? Not a problem! Simply gather nine Jack-O-Lanterns and place them at the traditional baseball positions. (Tip: if you want to feel really amazing about yourself, give the Jack-O-Lanterns frowny faces. Then stomp them to bits as you round the bases smiling and laughing.)