5 Ways to Not Get Mauled By a Bear

Oh no! It looks like your casual walk through the woods has come to an unfortunate twist. What was once a regular path of dirt and maybe leaves and stuff has now become a trail to death by large furry mammal. That’s right, there’s a bear in front of you and it wants to maul you. What did you do to make this bear so upset?

Look, I’m no expert on bears. I’m actually nothing when it comes to bears; I am extremely afraid of them and know almost nothing about them past being able to identify one in a police line-up after being booked as a suspect in a mauling. Bears are scary and bear cubs are tragic because I know that no matter how cute they are, they could one day grow up into something that can kill me and I’m powerless to that. I don’t go outside much.

Anyways, I’ve written a few suggestions on what to do when a bear wants to maul you.

5. Be Stronger Than the Bear

This is a really good, but risky method of not getting mauled by the bear. Typically, people who get mauled by bears are weaker than the bear mauling them. Best way to stop that from happening? Just make sure you are not weaker than the bear that wants to maul you. There is a very simple reason why this method is not higher on the list: it requires a lot of self-confidence since most people aren’t stronger than bears and you won’t really know how strong the bear is until it is trying to maul you. If you believe in yourself that much, then go for it. And if you make it, please teach me to believe in myself like that.

4. Make the Bear Fall in Love With You

This is a very untested way to stop a bear from destroying you, but in theory it could be flawless. Studies would suggest that bears typically don’t maul things they love, so it would make sense that in order to stop a bear from mauling you it must first learn to love you. I suggest gifts, taking the bear out to dinner, or just generally letting the bear know that you care about it a lot. Let it know that you don’t see anybody but the bear (which is probably true because you’re in the middle of the woods in bear country) and the bear may just fall in love with you. By then, the bear won’t have any reason to tear the flesh from your bones with its powerful paws.

If this method works, all I can say is congratulations. Not only have you delayed your own inevitable death, you’re now in a committed relationship with a big furry bear. Happy hibernating!

3. Offer to Pay the Bear’s College Tuition

I’ll admit, this method is one that has never been tried on bears before. It’s something I’ve done to humans and am simply transferring to the context of an angry bear. Offering to pay someone’s college tuition often calms them down and makes them not want to kill you. I’ve tried it on probably a dozen attackers and it seems to work every time. Granted, I’ve had to move across the country about four times now and I’ve changed my name twice, but you shouldn’t have to worry about that with the bear because bears don’t usually have ways of tracking people down by identity.

2. Stop Reading This Article

Look, I really appreciate that you took the time to presumably take out your phone and look for this article. I can really use the pageviews because I’m on the brink of getting fired, but I don’t think now’s the time for you to be reading anything. I mean, there’s a BEAR in front of you and it wants to maul you. Your arms and legs could be used for much more useful things, like running and climbing somewhere the bear can’t reach you. I make a lot of mistakes but I don’t think this would be a mistake I would make, and I’m pretty stupid.

1. Don’t Go Into the Woods

Think about where you are: in the woods, where bears live and want to maul you specifically. Should you have made this trip out into the woods? Think about all the other things you could have been doing today. What about parks? Parks are almost just like the woods, except for being significantly less populated with murderous bears. Parks even have ducks, which is something you don’t see in the woods much. Ducks don’t live in the woods. Basically what I’m saying is ducks are really cute.

Have you ever made a good decision in life? Why did you go into the woods alone in the first place? These are some questions you might be asking yourself right now, probably while being simultaneously mauled by a bear. You should have gone to the zoo to see bears, or to a park to see ducks.

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Fright Shark is a creature born on the internet who occasionally writes jokes. He works in Washington, DC, and likes to drive his car that has a sunroof. He often brags about how long it’s been since he’s touched a female and has been known to make videos on Snapchat. His dad is not proud of him.

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