The world is a scary place. Terrifying, really. There’s nothing you or I can do about it. Don’t bother trying. Just cry. Sob. We are weak.
Here are six great places to cry and some tips to help you get the most out of your tear ducts!
1. At Home
Whether or not you live alone, with a significant other or spouse, with your kids (or animals who simply serve the same function of fulfilling some biological imperative to procreate and spread misery), with a sex doll, or with your aging, decrepit parents, chances are you should be crying. It’s important to show the people and things you care about most, yourself, and the rest of the world just how much and how bad you feel. Having trouble crying around others? Just pretend you care about them, or picture in their place someone you know and love slowly aging as they constantly reach for and fail to achieve the cementing of something, anything for which they’ll be remembered before finally, defeatedly giving up and taking their last breath, dying and rotting since everything is impermanent and terrible, every action futile. Know that you can never truly conceive of or understand the mind of another living, breathing being. Think of the cruelest thing you’ve ever done to someone, and how anything that’s ever happened to you pales in comparison. And if that doesn’t do it for you, look in a mirror!
2. At Work
Say you’re having a great day at work – feeling good, being productive, having a cup of company coffee, you were able to pry yourself out of bed in the morning to make it into your meaningless, unfulfilling job and successfully converse with the people who somehow tolerate your worthlessness after you show up an hour or two late day after day – that’s the best you can do. It’s going to end, abruptly and dramatically. Your good day can go into an uncontrollable nosedive at any moment. Maybe the copier’s on the fritz, maybe you lit a fire in the kitchen on purpose, maybe your boss flippantly says “I saw you crying in the parking lot yesterday” or asks “Do you cry in your car at lunch every day?” in front of everyone during your morning status meeting, or maybe one of your workmates ate the packaged lunch you were barely able to buy at the store through bouts of tears. What is wrong with people anyway? Nobody knows for sure, but it’s never going to change, there’s nothing you can do about it, and they’re going to keep eating your lunch so you may as well just leave some nuts and fiber bars at your desk and preemptively let those salty pain drops run down your face. Don’t bother going to the bathroom, they can all hear the echoes of you sobbing through to too-thin doors since it’s amplified by the industrial tile and metal that reflects the cool, unflinching sterility of an ever-expanding universe. And you have to have a job, right? You need to eat and you need a place to live, so you can’t quit. You spend, what, eight to twelve hours around these people every day? They’ve replaced your family. Work has replaced leisure. You may as well cry about it. Lord knows your manager is.
3. In Your Car
If you’re anything like me, and you are because we’re all miserable animals destined to suffer and die, chances are you spend a lot of time commuting, hustling and bustling from place to place. Maybe you do a lot of sitting in traffic jams, fuming at everyone around you, barely able to discern them fuming back at you through a combination of shared embarrassment and window tint. I’ve got news for you: you should be crying. Whether you’re going to work or coming home from work – and all activities or entertainments eventually resemble work at the expense of any feelings of true pleasure – you need to realize that, even if life is too long thanks to advances in polite society and medicine that let us far outstretch our usefulness or ability to experience significant enjoyment, life is way too short to sit in a car stuck in traffic for what feels like eternity and you should not be doing this. But seriously, you’re not going to do anything about it because you have to drive to work. Or to the mall. And, again, you need a place to live and you need to eat since you have to keep on living, right? So cry about it, maybe. Cry.
4. While Participating In Any Form Of Commerce
Never before in the history of our species has the consumer been presented with so much choice and value to fulfill literally every human need, from acquiring career-relevant knowledge, to purchasing things to have sex with, buying food to engorge ourselves on, or bartering for useless trash to move from one hovel to the next as we constantly look for some form of environmental and emotional satisfaction that we will never, ever be able to find. But the problem is that we have become nothing more than consumers, doomed to wander the aisles of the numerous faceless, soulless corporate-owned megawarehouses that have replaced concepts like “outside” and “communities” as if we were their mindless drones shopping for the best deals on Xboxes (to have sex with), tasteless food that never spoils (to eat), HD-DVDs (the shiny side can be used to look at your crying reflection), and tasteless food that never spoils (to have sex with). Next time you fire up that DRM-encumbered dating simulation in a pay-by-the-second underground internet cafe and you’re presented with a bitcoin wallet authorization sponsored by Paypal and The Government (A Paypal Company), remember the utopia we used to have: ebola-contaminated factory-farmed vegetables and “meat” shipped straight to a discount megachain produce/section blood counter – where you could at least maybe lock eyes with another human and mouth “Is this it? Is this really all there is?” before being overwhelmed by the sensation of universal inadequacy. If that’s not enough to make you cry, I don’t know what is!
5. During Recreational Activities
Whatever you like to do in your spare time – read, watch television, play video games, have sex, create memes, watch cat videos, play video games, cry, party with your friends, stare silently into the space directly in front of you, play video games, walk through abandoned hospitals, LARP, listen to music, play video games – it’s almost always a good time to sob uncontrollably at the infinite cruelty of our empty universe. Having drinks at a bar with your closest friends? Why not shed a tear?! Sitting in a group therapy session? Perfect time to cry! Hug party? Yeah, cry. At the shooting range with your stoic father who’s incapable of showing love? Remember what they say: YBBC! That means “You’d Better Be Cryin’!” But don’t let him see you or he might accidentally discharge his firearm into you – or worse, himself! Just think of those little tears as “cry bullets” and let them fly indiscriminately. Unless, you know, your dad is there.
6. Any Other Time And Place Not Specifically Mentioned
It’s going to happen anyway. You’re going to lose your composure so just let it happen. Don’t have a car? Cry on the train, the bus, a taxi cab, your Razor scooter, your Segway, a horse, your Rascal, your incredibly expensive Italian fixed gear bicycle – any form of transportation is perfectly cry-worthy. Bonus points if other people see you. Maybe you’re one of those weirdos who doesn’t shop? Call the Amazon customer service line, ask for Jeff Bezos and cry your eyes out – he’ll be a good resource for you, trust me. Maybe you’ve gotten too chubby for your clothes from constantly binging at the salt lick in your hut? You can cry about that. Go ahead. Or maybe you’re sick, not physically so, but in the sense of an overwhelming combination of sadness, terror, impotence, disdain for self or others, and the myriad fuzzy feelings that we go through our days barely acknowledging. Unfortunately there are no words for those emotions, and definitely not three or four in every language. That should probably make you cry if you’re not some sort of monster. Or maybe you are a monster? What do I know? If you are a monstrous abomination, cry. Any time is a great time to cry, but if you’re feeling really down and need a pick-me-up, just think: there’s always tomorrow, and it could definitely be a better day, so wipe those tears away! But it probably won’t be a better day, since we’re all stuck, alone with each other, in a machine-like lockstep marching towards inevitable annhiliation. So, cry. Just cry.
BONUS! Examples Of Times When You Should (And Should NOT) Cry
1. When You Feel Bad, Sad, Angry, Confused, Empty, Numb, Worthless, etc.
This will likely be all the time soon if it isn’t already. So just let it loose. Let those tears carve Grand Canyon-sized ravines into your face skin. Do it. You’ll feel better. Or will you?! It will definitely be cathartic. Or will it?! There’s only one way to know for sure, so… Cry, baby, cry!
2. When Something Occurs That Fills You With An Overpowering Sense Of Joy And Happiness
Under no circumstances should you cry when you feel good. What is wrong with you? Why are you crying? Stop. This is supposed to be a joyous occasion. STOP IT. Your father is going to see you! I can’t keep covering for you if you’re going to be like this. I am so, so disappointed. You’re a thirty four year-old man. Stop behaving like an emotionally needy teenager! Oh, great, look at me. Now I’m crying. Thanks. Thanks a lot.