This article is part of Feedbuzz’s Konk Brothers Sponsored Economic Summit, an attempt to open a dialogue about the economic, political and social issues of the day in a fair and unbiased manner.
1) Homeless and Unemployed People
Now, I’ve never been homeless and probably won’t ever be homeless, which is why I can say with cold-hearted calculation that these people, who probably live a better life than I do on their government money and food stamps and free hovercars, are ruining America. Hey, ever hear of a JOB? Oh, you have but “can’t get one”? Yeah, that sounds likely… NOT. You “have a mental illness and can’t afford medication and you’ve been ostracized by your family and can’t take care of yourself or maintain a regular schedule because you have clinical schizophrenia”? Fshyeah, right! Come on, people. If every homeless person just stopped whining about how “they served America in [Korea/Vietnam/Iraq/Afghanistan/Iraq] and the trauma of combat gave them PTSD” then maybe the economy could go back to its glory years, the 1980s!
And unemployed? What the heck? Even Chinamen and Bangladeshis could get jobs after we closed every single manufacturing plant and factory in America and shipped them overseas to profit off of squalor, environmental destruction and government unconcern for human rights. And you can’t get a job here, in the Land of Opportunity? Every single one of my kids and their friends got jobs at my company. Every single one. Now quit running this God blessed country into the ground, freeloaders!
2) Ethnic Minorities
Okay, so basically, let’s cut the PC crap and admit that anyone who isn’t white is some kind of minority. Now, some radical lefty wingnuts argue that “white people are a minority in the world”, but the facts, as generated by the Konks Institute, don’t seem to agree with their crazy bleeding heart worldview. When you think problems in America, do you think some older white guy in a suit leading his company to greater profits? Do you think of some other older white guy in a suit campaigning for political office? Do you think of those two older white guys as actually the same guy, bouncing between the public and private sector, using his contacts and powers in one arena to influence and shape the other? No, of course not. You think of some brown or black or red or yellow person, (still cutting the PC crap here), who has no political or economic enfranchisement, meaning that of course they can’t affect things on the macro scale, not even a bunch of them, to the same degree as the older white man in the previous example, but hey, I’m not one of them and therefore they are probably ruining America. Stop it!
Ladies, we’ve done our best to try to take care of you, but ever since Women’s Lib, or whatever you call it these days, America’s gone straight to hell! Some femiNUTZIS would say that America is in its current state because “the greed of the most wealthy and their exploitation of the laws and government has crippled an already fragile economy” or that the “inevitable result of capitalist ideology is an implosion on a massive scale, ruining millions of lives” or that the “fascist pseudo-moralizing of conservative old white men denies millions of people their rights, while their economic policies deny those same people the means to live”, but the truth is, they wouldn’t need to worry about those things if they focused on child raising and cooking and necromancy, you know, women’s stuff. Girls, put your dang bras back on, stop getting so many abortions, and stop ruining our great country!
4) Young People
Damn kids and their “the previous generation has ruined the opportunities for young people, even college graduates, to achieve any manner of economic stability through their rampant greed, manipulative policies and destruction of every institution designed to help people instead of strip the flesh from their bones, pack it into a meat grinder, and churn out a quarter percent greater profit for people with more money than they could ever spend, even with their disgusting hedonistic lifestyles”. Get off my lawn, you slackers! If you can’t get a job, it’s your fault! Maybe you shouldn’t have majored in art, English, philosophy, psychology, history, chemistry, biology, astronomy, physics, education, political science, engineering, computer science or anything else that isn’t business. Also, maybe you should have had business connections thanks to your family’s wealth and influence and also the desire for acquisition above all else making you a ruthless sociopath who will succeed at all costs! Did you think about that before taking “Introduction to Ethics”, genius? Now get me my coffee and stop ruining the United States. These colors don’t run!
5) Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals, Transpeople
The economic and political unrest in this country has nothing to do with the selfish and callous decisions made by the most powerful people who will live their entire lives in lavish comfort, distanced from the struggles most people take for granted, and everything to do with falling morals! Sexual freedom? Ha! God has answered this freedom with a wrath in the form of people like me, who benefit from this dehumanizing system and its exploitation of fear in people of anything different than the normalized ideology we worked so hard to impress on people for so many generations. Stop sinning and your problems will go away! Maybe not in this world, but once your body has been used up by menial, pointless labor and your soul has been crushed by the anonymous machinations of power and your mind is just a nub, unable to eke out even a few coherent sentences, then you will die, mercifully and probably go to Cloud City or whatever. But for now, clean up your act, let the boys be boys and the girls be girls and only put your genitals where you’re told. Also, STOP RUINING AMERICA!
6) Lower and Middle Class Working People
What the FUCK is your problem, lower and middle class America? Why can’t you get your shit together like we have? Hell, I’ve been rich my whole life. I had more money at 20 than most of you will ever have. Why can’t you do better? And don’t give me that “social mobility is a myth perpetuated by the ruling class to keep the majority of people toiling under them, providing them with their labor power, so they can continue to hoard and squander wealth like modern nobility, but without any of the responsibilities to the public that even the most hardened tyrants of old at least pretended to care about” jive. We’re the ones trying to create jobs for you thankless clods. You’re the ones complaining about “working conditions” and “fair wages” and “slavery”. Cowboy up, lower and middle class America! You think most of the rich got rich by working for fair standards and dignity for all humans? Or by using other thinking, feeling human beings as stepping stones on their way to success?
Reagan help us, you’re ruining America! America, the country we’ve told you to love for some reason, even though it fails you at every turn! How could you? As the smarmy cooze hound said, “ask not what your country can do for you, or stop doing to you, but what you can do for your country, what you WILL do for your country, because we ain’t asking here”. By God, I love this country, and I am tired of groups of people I know nothing about, whom I have generalized in the worst possible way in order to deflect the blame I so rightfully deserve, ruining my homeland! Get your act together, America. Rich, old, white, straight men aren’t gonna pull your dead weight forever!
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