Slogan: “Normal people acting normally.”
This elite hookup site allows likeminded people from all over the world to meet up and try to out-maneuver each other as they mimic human emotions and lie through their teeth to increase their personal advantage by even a tiny fraction. Don’t think about signing up for it; this primo site is invitation only. The Council of Elders will contact you through ICQ if you’ve proven yourself to be completely empty of all consideration for other people and successful in accumulating wealth, fame and influence at any cost. Big name users include politicians, military and police, lawyers, bankers, stockbrokers, CEOs, producers, actors, chemical engineers, defense contractors, TV news anchors and Feedbuzz columnists.
Slogan: “T Cl Fr Y”
Words that have all of their vowels are SO yesterday. Vwlr lets social media experts converge and brainstorm new website ideas with names that are regular words with one or more vowels removed. Clever meets creative when the grotesque, minimalist branding strategy of major internet companies is parroted by a slew of self-designated gurus eager to prove they have what it takes to make a billion dollars with just a name and a logo. Graphic designers, ad executives, copywriters, editors and people who went through a mid-life crisis and decided to change careers, because hey, it’s never too late and this internet thing seems to be where all the money’s at, so they just need a year or so and some startup money, whatever you can spare will help, to get their business off the ground, at which point they will pay you back tenfold. Believe me; you’ll be glad you got in on the ground floor. Or should I say Grndflr?
Slogan: “You’ve got problems, we’ve got products!”
Everyone knows that everything about them is fucked up and can only be fixed by buying and using the right products from respected brandnames. And if they don’t know it yet, they will soon with Stuffstream, the new social media site bringing you all sponsored content all the time. Did you know your face is stupid and smells like a ham and rye sandwich that a fat drunk slept on? Well, it does and no one will ever love you. Unless you buy Facefix, from Monsanmart. Your shitty, unfuckable body got you down? Well it should. Also, your personality is garbage. That yearning you feel? Yeah, it’s not for a life of authenticity and fulfillment or for making real connections with other human beings who share the same existential condition. It’s because your phone is last year’s model and you drive a hatchback and your clothes are out of style. God, you suck. You are the fucking worst. Try Lifejuice, from Pepsi. The only juice guaranteed to promise you a better life.
Slogan: “There’s nothing to fear, unless you want there to be.”
The internet can be a daunting place, full of differing opinions and diverse people. But unlike the real world, where you’re forced to interact with people who may not share your exact views on every issue, thereby causing you to second guess your ideology, Echofeed provides a safe, comfortable place to read only the content you know you’ll already agree with. With a state-of-the-art bias heuristics system, Echofeed learns exactly how you feel about everything and shows you content from other users and brands that parrot your own feelings back to you, validating everything you always knew you were right about. Never worry again about questioning your beliefs or opinions. Never worry again. Period. Unless you like to worry, in which case, always worry all the time. Period. Or, if you’re sort of a middle of the road person, worry sometimes, but not others. Period.
Slogan: “Our old slogan was so much better.”
Things today are just awful, especially compared to how they used to be during or before your childhood. Why engage with the present when you can re-immerse yourself in the past and feel the ecstasy of 8-bit videogaming, franchise cartoons, BBS chats and retro commercials for snacks that just don’t taste as good anymore. Users on Halcyon’s text-only gopher boards can drink the nectar of nostalgia as they post Denver the Last Dinosaur fan art, walkthroughs for Ikari Warriors, or theories about how the Technodrome was powered and whether Krang experienced sexual desire for his own robotic body. So grab some Crystal Pepsi, turn up the Ratt and PARTY DOWN, DUDES!!! Best viewed in a small bedroom with all the windows closed, all the lights turned off and your head buried a foot in the sand.
Slogan: “No strings attached.”
Ever wonder what you’d do if you learned the earth was about to be destroyed? At SEXtinction, wonder no more. Make concrete plans with other cautious people to meet up and have sex if the end of the world comes upon you. Be it asteroid, gamma ray burst, epidemic, nuclear winter, alien invasion or any other of the many, many things that could end all human life on earth, you’re going to want to know you can get off with a stranger one last time before the entire human enterprise disintegrates and is forgotten forever.
Critics of SEXtinction say that the site is “superfluous, because all living existence is a series of sex hookups until the earth is finally destroyed, which it definitely will be at some point. We only delude ourselves into believing we aren’t living on the brink of extinction in order to avoid the panic, terror and chaos that would ensue if we actually accepted our condition in the universe. Also, SEXtinction is a lazy portmanteau.”
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