6 Reasons to Get Out of Bed in the Morning

If you’ve ever woken up feeling like you just can’t get out of bed, this listicle is for you! Here are 6 uplifting tips to help motivate you to make it through another day.

1. Life is for the living!
You’re alive, assumedly, if you’re reading this, which you are, and therefore you should get out of bed because you’re going to be dead for a very, very long time. Death is pretty much like being in bed, except it’s forever, could happen at any time and nobody will ever put a loving arm around you to wake you up ever again. We can only assume that death is an insensate void, much like how we (don’t) remember the time before we were born. You could believe in some kind of afterlife, where you’re rejoined with your friends and loved ones in a perfect, eternal world of happiness, but come on. Also, you don’t even have to worry about dying, because it WILL happen to you.

2. There’s so much to do!
You can consume so many different types of food, products, services and media, all created by other people who are just as confused and wretched as you are, all designed to improve their producer’s material lot in this ridiculous world at your expense and keep you placated while the gears of an unfathomable machine continue to turn, crushing insignificant creatures like you between their indifferent teeth. Or you can take up with causes you care about, so long as you do so in an approved way, approved because they are wholly ineffective at producing actual change in the world and only serve to make the people who partake in them feel better! If you join a cause that might actually change something, prepare to be pepper sprayed or shot by sadistic police and/or military personnel who live to inflict pain on scum like you who don’t appreciate everything they have and want to whine instead of work for a living.

3. Be creative!
Instead of passively consuming, you too can impose your absurd worldview on others, masquerading your subjective and often self-aggrandizing opinions as insight into reality. Your voice just must be heard, and if you aren’t expressing yourself all the time, letting other people know just how interesting it must be to be you, then what point does your life have? None. So write words, take pictures, paint, draw, make music, dance, do whatever arbitrary activity makes you feel like you aren’t the emergent property of some biological accident, careening through time and space as pointlessly as every frozen asteroid hurtling across the incomprehensible vastness of the universe.

4. Meet other people!
There are so many people in the world, and not all of them are out to further their own agendas, hurt you to make themselves feel better, use you as an outlet for self-reflection they can’t seem to do in their own heads, or otherwise treat you as an object instead of a human being. Just most of them. And your chances of physical injury or death are like, 50%, tops. Most people will just drain your lifeforce by burdening you with their problems and not giving a single thought to yours, calling you whenever they need something. Most of them are also psychopaths, but won’t act on their psychosis because they are afraid of the consequences of doing so… for now. So don’t hide inside your house, where it’s safe and relaxing and calm, go out into a world where people are tortured, murdered, raped, beaten, robbed and scammed on a daily basis and meet someone!

5. Be productive!
Nobody likes a Lazy Larry, which is a name people apparently call lazy people. So instead, apply yourself to some mundane, repetitive task to fill up the long hours. If your task is mundane and repetitive enough, and you’re either bad enough at it or don’t care enough about it to get rich doing it, you’ll even convince yourself that it’s your job that’s keeping you from enjoying life, instead of the all-encompassing void. If you’re good at Work, you might start making a LOT of money. You can use this money to make even more money, and just keep making money until you become immortal! Haha, just kidding, you’ll still be trapped in the same existential condition as everyone else, but man, isn’t making money fun? In either case, before you know it, entire decades will have passed by, taking with them whatever energy and vigor you will then overestimate yourself having had, and you’ll be left a desiccated husk, unfit for anything but a merciful death.

6. You have no choice!
You can try staying in bed for as long as you want, but eventually you know you will give up and join the ranks of the wretched once again, feigning enthusiasm at the myriad tasks you loathe, while trying to convince everyone, especially yourself, that the time you spent lying in bed was just a “bad mood” and you’re “over it” and this, this hapless, quivering toady of the status quo, is the real you. You can see it now, flashing before your eyes, your future, the same day repeated with slight variations, broken up only by personal tragedy and loss. You still resist, but your limbs grow restless, your mind wanders and the bed seems more and more like a prison instead of just a part of a much larger prison which you can never escape. Hunger gnaws at your overfed stomach. You’re alive! Maybe there’s something good on TV. Maybe you can make something or meet someone interesting. You remember you have some work to get done. Whatever argument causes you to cave, the biological imperative to continue will always trump your silly ideas about non-participation.

Always remember the words of inspirational speaker and dead person Samuel Beckett, “you must go on, you can’t go on, you’ll go on.”

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10 comments

  1. Hey, it’s the first thing by Brendle I read the whole thing of

  2. hootie says:

    “I would prefer not to.” — Bartleby, the Scrivener

  3. “If you just keep typing something funny’s bound to come out eventually” -Whatever You Call The Imaginary Thing That Stops Brendle From Killing Himself Every Day

  4. Capntastic says:

    Glad to have you aboard

  5. Hybernaut says:

    Totally just missed my bus stop, reading this. Like an NPR driveway moment only with more urine smell.

  6. Beetle Eater says:

    “nobody will ever put a loving arm around you to wake you up ever again” this has never happened to me. didn’t realize feedbuzz was the new trigger central

  7. Now I want to die (even more)

  8. FrightShark says:

    I haven’t seen my dick in 9 years

  9. Vusala Safarova says:

    Your post made me feel even more void, thank you, not!

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