Are you the royal baby? Are you sure? You could be the Royal Baby who’s been the center of all this hubbub and you don’t even know it yet! You should hold a press conference and tell the world how you feel and collect your money and crowns and jewels and fried hardboiled eggs in sausage casing or whatever those monsters shove into their disgusting fat faces over there. Here are some signs you’re actually the Royal Baby you’ve been reading so much about:
1. You Were Just Born
Were you JUST born? Like, just just born. Are you a brand new human surfing the web on your iPad checking out this really cool site and are you thinking “wait a second… yeah, I was just born now that you mention it”? Is there a deep maroonish purplish pod of human flesh and blood and extra shit that came out of the vagina you also just came out of? Dang dude, that’s called placenta. You wouldn’t know the name yet, because you’ve just been born. Do you see it and not know what it’s called? You’re one step closer to being the Royal Baby.
2. You’re White
Are you a white baby? Maybe the whitest baby? This might be a difficult question for you because racism isn’t an inherent human trait, but you’ll be taught by some of the best racists on this planet. “White” is a term for Caucasian humans. Do you have light colored skin? Can you see your veins through your sickly white pasty disgusting epidermis? Good news, not only does this make you even CLOSER to being the Royal Baby but also as far as how our terrible world works, this bodes well for you. Congrats.
3. You’re Surrounded By A Ton Of Hideous Ghouls and One Pretty Lady
The pretty lady is a victim of circumstance, the Ghouls are the illuminati. They run the world for no reason that they all just fucked each other and came from people that used to tell other people to kill the other people and control the other people. It’s all very intense and awful but don’t worry, you’ll never have to worry about it. Are you worried about something? You’re not the Royal Baby then. If you’re not worried about shit at all you’re sounding pretty fucking #Royal #Baby to me, baby yeaaaaah.
4. The Ghouls Are Saying Things Like “OOOO” and “GUVNAH” and “SPIT SPOT”
There are chimney sweeps coming in and out of the Postnatal Ward with soot all over their faces and their eyes are just lighting up when they see you. They are overcome with emotion when they see your perfect angelic face. “Ohhh, he’s a right ol beaut chap ain’t he?” They’ll say with their hot disgusting breath fogging up the bullet proof glass that protects you from these lowly peasants. Do you hate peasants? Sounds like you’re pretty much the RO-YAL BA-BY *clap clap clapclapclap* RO-YAL BA-BY *clap clap clapclapclap*
5. You’re Looking Up The Score Of The West Midlands Derby On Your Samsung Galaxy 5
You’re definitely Warwickshire man and you can’t stand the bloody cunts from Worcestershire. Even with all the off-field shenanigans going on you still love the sound of the bowler heaving his mighty hurl down the pitch and exploding the sticky pins all asunder. Oh, what cracking good fun! It’s the closest thing you’ve got to baseball and it looks much less pompous than playing polo or some shit, but you still get to wear knitted sweaters and prance about in your trousers. Royal Baby Party of 1?
6. Your Uncle Is Wearing His Nazi Uniform Costume in the Hospital
Well, it’s official. You’re the Royal Baby! Time to call up Baby North West and start taking advantage of women all over the world because you have money and you have power and everything is right for the taking. The world is filled with Haves and Have-Nots and you are definitely a Have. Perhaps one of the biggest Haves ever. For some reason, some humans are better than others and with you, we knew it before you were even born. Sounds unfair? Unreasonable? Shitty? Fucking awful? You certainly don’t think so. You’re the fucking Royal Baby.
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