Getting along in the work place is probably the most important part of a healthy work environment. If you’re not happy, and your co-workers are unhappy, and your employees are unhappy, who’s happy? No one. So, in order to be happy you have to realize you’re going to be working side by side with some people born after 1991.
It might be hard to believe but they still let people be born after 1991. There was a plan originally to stop people from being born after that, but they canned that idea. Some of us were unaware, thinking we’d never have to deal with people younger than ourselves, ever. We need to wake up, open our eyes, and realize: You Will Come In Contact With People Who Are Younger Than Yourself. Now that we’ve come to that realization we need to now find out more of these people.
They’ve dubbed themselves “Millennials”. First, what does the name mean? Nothing, and it’s an important first lesson.
1. Do not believe anything a Millennial tells you because they know not what they speak of.
It’s that simple. A culture so entrenched in sarcasm, irony, and reference could never speak to you on a level that you could understand. They were birthed and swaddled in an ironic “World’s Best Grandpa” t-shirt in a food court of the mall of our reality. Don’t ponder what they say.
2. They can only multitask.
This can be confusing. Millennials are not just good at multitasking, it’s the only thing they can do. If you ask them to complete one task at a time and have nothing else to entertain them with they will go berzerk. You know how in the movie Speed the bus can’t go less than 50 miles per hour or it will blow up? It’s the same thing with your Millennials. If they can’t be on tumblr and watching youtubes of other people playing video games while completing your bullshit task they will die. It’s THAT important. You don’t make fun of someone for having a nut allergy, do you? Then don’t mock this. It’s the same thing but bloodier.
3. They don’t remember the 90s but you must NEVER call them out on it.
This will only hurt their already incredibly fragile ego and you’ll destroy the rest of their lives. You do not want to go into the bathroom and have to comfort Grey while she’s is crying so uncontrollably that she’s vomiting all because you made a reference to Doug on Nickelodeon and when she didn’t get it at first you said “oh my god, you don’t even know THAT?”. This is all a HUGE no-no.
4. They have names like Grey.
They got dumbass names. Just deal with it.
5. Give them guidance and leadership. They crave it.
They’re on a steady diet of Muscle Milk and Adderall, so you don’t have to worry about food. They drink Coconut Water out of their Camelbak so you don’t have to worry about liquids. What they don’t have is any clue how to handle themselves in any kind of professional situation. Always scream out the jobs you want them to complete. A good way to think of them is a lion and you’re the lion tamer in a circus. A whip will help and a stool to keep distance between yourself and the Millennial. Although it feels cruel at first, once you master your dominate voice your Millennial will love you for it and want to find ways to earn your respect.
6. Do not be alarmed if you find dead animals in front of your office.
This is your Millennial trying to give you a gift and earn your respect. Mice and rats mean they respect you and want to know that they’re doing their part to make your life easier. Rabbits and cats mean they may have fallen in love with you, never look them in they eyes if this has happened. It will soon pass. If you find an exlover dead in front of your door call the police.
7. Wear clothes they can understand.
A Millennial can be molded and shaped into whatever you want. They are the human clay of humans. They only problem is they’ll only listen to someone who dressed like them. You MUST wear a Supreme hat at all times. If your hat has less than 5 panels your Millennial will not respect you and you will be fighting a losing battle. Get a Supreme hat immediately. Collared shirts are ok, but they must be plaid. Dyeing at least one streak of blue or green in your hair is HIGHLY recommended as it will only make you more relatable to them. That truly is the end goal here: be as relatable to your Millennial as possible. You basically want them to think you’re cool, because why else do you have a fucking Millennial working with you?
Just remember that you were young once and people wrote thing like this about your generation all the time. Well, no. That’s not true at all. Baby boomers did whatever. Generation X was more like “these kids suck” and Generation Y was like “lol fuck these dudes”. For some reason we’re really into talking about these people. Not really sure why but, here we are.