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9 Movies Reviewed by a Rude Teen

First, there are a few things you need to know about me. I’m 14, I love dirt bikes, and my sister is goth and smokes Newports. I am a movie buff and I know which movies are stupid and which ones are sick as hell. Roger Ebert probably killed himself because his reviews are so bad and mine are so good. I am the best. I watched a bunch of movies this weekend because my paintball tournament got rained out. Here is what I thought of them.

 

Titanic

You would think watching a big boat crash and all kinds of people die would be cool as hell, but they figured out a way to make it gay as crap. The funny dude from Django Unchained plays this homeless idiot who decides to live on a boat. He steals some food and gets shot at by The Mummy, I think. He does get to see some titties which is sweet because PG-13 movies usually don’t show nipples. I took a picture of it on my phone since my stupid stepdad put a filter on my computer. Haha, titties are so cool.

The Avengers

Everybody talked about how cool this movie was but I thought it was lame as crap. Why didn’t the Hulk’s pants rip off when he turned giant? That would have been so epic if his big green dong was swinging around and hitting people in the face! He would have been like “Hulk horny!” and then start humping the Statue of Liberty! That’s how I would have written it. Horny Hulk just running around with his big, stupid dong humping everything including Thor because he looked like a girl with his hair haha.

Rush Hour 2

I thought this movie would be stupid because it’s so old, but it was dang funny! There’s a black dude and he makes all these sweet jokes about Asian people, but it’s ok because there’s an Asian dude and he makes jokes about black people! They solve some crimes or something, but it doesn’t matter because you will be laughing your nuts off laughing at all the epic jokes they tell about each other. I’m going to start saying “Don’t you ever touch a black man’s radio!” all the time! That is classic!

The Lion King

This stupid baby lion starts crying because his dad died. That’s dumb. My dad left when I was 4 because my mom was lame but I never cried about it because I’m not an idiot. The only way this movie could have been any more stupid is if Simba got a gay stepdad named Greg like I did. At least Simba didn’t have to go meet Greg’s parents at Christmas and wear a faggy Christmas sweater. He tries to take me to Pizza Hut and act like my friend. Go kill yourself, Greg. You’re stupid and I hope you get hit by a school bus lmao.

Jurassic Park

I thought this was gonna be awesome because on that Turok game you get to shoot dinosaurs and when they eat you it’s cool as crap. Uh, hardly anybody gets eaten and when they do you don’t even get to see it! The dude from Afro Samurai plays a lame scientist and all these other morons just walk around and talk about science! This one old lady even sticks her hand in poop, which was the only part where I was like “WTF!?” I wish it had shown the dinosaur pooping though haha. Imagine that, just two hours of dinosaurs walking around and pooping on scientists. That would be a cool movie. Who gives a crap about science?

Django Unchained

Lol oh man this movie was nuts! My uncle and his friends were watching it and they let me watch it with them. It was cool because one of them left half of an Old Milwaukee on the side of the couch so I drank it and got drunk as crap. I drink beer all the time so it’s really not a big deal. I love the taste of beer and I don’t think it tastes awful at all. My friend Blake said he had rum and that it was even better than beer so I’m hoping I can find some rum soon. The movie was also funny because they kept saying the n-word. They even said it to black people and not just in jokes! It was pretty cool. I’ll let you know when I get some of that rum.

Forrest Gump

My stepdad, Greg, was watching this movie because he’s a looser and probably thought it made him look smart to my mom because Forrest Gump is a bigger retard than he is haha. Basically it’s just this stupid idiot doing a bunch of crap nobody cares about. He walks a lot, probably because he can’t afford a PS3. He sits on a bench all day, probably because he can’t afford a Fiat and also because he’s stupid and can’t read the road signs. He would pull up to a stop sign and think it says go or something like that haha. It was pretty funny when they made fun of him for being stupid. That was cool, but the whole thing was a rip off of the seafood restaurant we always go to when we take our vacation to Orlando. They should sue them for this, I think.

The Diving Bell & the Butterfly

An inspiring Cannes-selected docudrama that features incredible performances and stunning cinematography as a man loses the ability to use his body, but gains the mindset to finally touch the world. LOL JK it’s gay as hell.

Ted

Holy crap is this funny! My 6th period art teacher lets us watch whatever movie we want on Thursdays if we don’t say anything about him making us sit on his lap and it is totally worth it. Ted is a bear who tells jokes and loves titties. He humps things too and when you see it you’ll be like “LMAO yes! That is dope as hell!” I don’t want to spoil too much because you should go see this now. The dude from Max Payne plays Ted’s buddy and they get to drink a lot of beer and talk to hot girls. It is dope and should win an MTV Movie Award for Most Epic Movie Ever Made FTW!