Archive for Brendle

6 Hot New Social Media Sites

sociopathfinder-logo1) SocioPathfinder

Site: http://mememe.sociopathfinder.dom
Slogan: “Normal people acting normally.”

This elite hookup site allows likeminded people from all over the world to meet up and try to out-maneuver each other as they mimic human emotions and lie through their teeth to increase their personal advantage by even a tiny fraction. Don’t think about signing up for it; this primo site is invitation only. The Council of Elders will contact you through ICQ if you’ve proven yourself to be completely empty of all consideration for other people and successful in accumulating wealth, fame and influence at any cost. Big name users include politicians, military and police, lawyers, bankers, stockbrokers, CEOs, producers, actors, chemical engineers, defense contractors, TV news anchors and Feedbuzz columnists.

vwlr-logo2) Vwlr

Site: http://www.vwlr.cm
Slogan: “T Cl Fr Y”

Words that have all of their vowels are SO yesterday. Vwlr lets social media experts converge and brainstorm new website ideas with names that are regular words with one or more vowels removed. Clever meets creative when the grotesque, minimalist branding strategy of major internet companies is parroted by a slew of self-designated gurus eager to prove they have what it takes to make a billion dollars with just a name and a logo. Graphic designers, ad executives, copywriters, editors and people who went through a mid-life crisis and decided to change careers, because hey, it’s never too late and this internet thing seems to be where all the money’s at, so they just need a year or so and some startup money, whatever you can spare will help, to get their business off the ground, at which point they will pay you back tenfold. Believe me; you’ll be glad you got in on the ground floor. Or should I say Grndflr?

stuffstream-logo3) Stuffstream

Site: http://www.stuf.f.str.eam.nert
Slogan: “You’ve got problems, we’ve got products!”

Everyone knows that everything about them is fucked up and can only be fixed by buying and using the right products from respected brandnames. And if they don’t know it yet, they will soon with Stuffstream, the new social media site bringing you all sponsored content all the time. Did you know your face is stupid and smells like a ham and rye sandwich that a fat drunk slept on? Well, it does and no one will ever love you. Unless you buy Facefix, from Monsanmart. Your shitty, unfuckable body got you down? Well it should. Also, your personality is garbage. That yearning you feel? Yeah, it’s not for a life of authenticity and fulfillment or for making real connections with other human beings who share the same existential condition. It’s because your phone is last year’s model and you drive a hatchback and your clothes are out of style. God, you suck. You are the fucking worst. Try Lifejuice, from Pepsi. The only juice guaranteed to promise you a better life.

echofeed-logo4) Echofeed

Site: http://www.echo.www.echo.www.echo.www.echo.www.echo
Slogan: “There’s nothing to fear, unless you want there to be.”

The internet can be a daunting place, full of differing opinions and diverse people. But unlike the real world, where you’re forced to interact with people who may not share your exact views on every issue, thereby causing you to second guess your ideology, Echofeed provides a safe, comfortable place to read only the content you know you’ll already agree with. With a state-of-the-art bias heuristics system, Echofeed learns exactly how you feel about everything and shows you content from other users and brands that parrot your own feelings back to you, validating everything you always knew you were right about. Never worry again about questioning your beliefs or opinions. Never worry again. Period. Unless you like to worry, in which case, always worry all the time. Period. Or, if you’re sort of a middle of the road person, worry sometimes, but not others. Period.

halcyon-logo5) Halcyon

Site: gopher://halcyon.geocities.com/users/retroHugs/index.htm
Slogan: “Our old slogan was so much better.”

Things today are just awful, especially compared to how they used to be during or before your childhood. Why engage with the present when you can re-immerse yourself in the past and feel the ecstasy of 8-bit videogaming, franchise cartoons, BBS chats and retro commercials for snacks that just don’t taste as good anymore. Users on Halcyon’s text-only gopher boards can drink the nectar of nostalgia as they post Denver the Last Dinosaur fan art, walkthroughs for Ikari Warriors, or theories about how the Technodrome was powered and whether Krang experienced sexual desire for his own robotic body. So grab some Crystal Pepsi, turn up the Ratt and PARTY DOWN, DUDES!!! Best viewed in a small bedroom with all the windows closed, all the lights turned off and your head buried a foot in the sand.

sextinction-logo6) SEXtinction

Site: http://doesitmatter.wereallgonnadieanyway.whatever
Slogan: “No strings attached.”

Ever wonder what you’d do if you learned the earth was about to be destroyed? At SEXtinction, wonder no more. Make concrete plans with other cautious people to meet up and have sex if the end of the world comes upon you. Be it asteroid, gamma ray burst, epidemic, nuclear winter, alien invasion or any other of the many, many things that could end all human life on earth, you’re going to want to know you can get off with a stranger one last time before the entire human enterprise disintegrates and is forgotten forever.
Critics of SEXtinction say that the site is “superfluous, because all living existence is a series of sex hookups until the earth is finally destroyed, which it definitely will be at some point. We only delude ourselves into believing we aren’t living on the brink of extinction in order to avoid the panic, terror and chaos that would ensue if we actually accepted our condition in the universe. Also, SEXtinction is a lazy portmanteau.”

6 List Items That Might Be Content or Maybe Advertising?

1) Circuit City Has Some Great Deals!
This item could ostensibly be content, terrible content, if the author of the piece were genuinely trying to share the news that Circuit City has some great deals. However, if Circuit City paid for or otherwise influenced the creation of this item, it’s advertising! Fortunately, the genesis of such list items is kept behind closed doors, and the profits generated by the insidious inclusion of advertising into content are unknown to readers. “What rough beast, its hour come round at last/Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?” Why, the hegemony of privatized social discourse!

2) This Country Needs Immigration Reform!
So, this one seems like news, an opinion piece maybe, by someone who wants to share their political views. But actually, it could easily be advertising, a list item created and paid for by a lobbying group whose clients would benefit from the position championed therein. Cool!

3) Burger King pairs really well with Mt. Dew
Okay, so this one seems like advertising, right? Wrong! In fact, the listicle writer, without any influence to produce this item from the companies mentioned, is so inundated with giant brand names and a consumer lifestyle that he or she has created this item of his or her own volition, in a sad display of loyalty to the only cult remaining in this hellish nightmare world.

4) 
image002
This list item, while technically advertising, since it was paid for by an anti-Democrat group looking to communicate their message to young people by hopping on the I Can Haz Cheezeburger craze, wasn’t considered so by its author, who unironically agrees with the message and therefore totally isn’t compromising his or her ethics by posting it.

5) Feedbuzz Voted Social Media Site of the Century
How can you advertise the very site you’re writing for? By constantly referencing it, expounding its vast reach and influence, and only, of course, running uncritical articles about it, couching its ruthless business practices in socially acceptable catchphrases such as “offering amazing opportunities for corporate sponsorship”, “taking care of investors” and “MURDER MURDER MURDER MURDER”. Don’t forget to partner with other sites for a circlejerk that increases everyone’s profits! Team up! Synergy! Pledge your soul to Our Dark Lord and deliver unto him the blood of the innocent to bring your wicked magic to life!

6) A Memorial Tribute to 9/11: Remembering the Never Forgotten
This one’s gotta be content, right. No one would use the horrible tragedy of 9/11, not to mention the series of horrible tragedies enacted since it happened, as a way to push clickthroughs to advertisers and also propagate an ideological myth about America and its role in the world. Haha, of course they would! And why not. Business is business, and that means doing whatever you can, with whomever you can, to make as much money as possible for as long as possible. RIP to the victims, tho.

 

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6 Groups Ruining America That, Incidentally, I Don’t Belong To or Know Anything About

danielkonks

This article was approved by me, Daniel J Konks.

This article is part of Feedbuzz’s Konk Brothers Sponsored Economic Summit, an attempt to open a dialogue about the economic, political and social issues of the day in a fair and unbiased manner.

1) Homeless and Unemployed People
Now, I’ve never been homeless and probably won’t ever be homeless, which is why I can say with cold-hearted calculation that these people, who probably live a better life than I do on their government money and food stamps and free hovercars, are ruining America. Hey, ever hear of a JOB? Oh, you have but “can’t get one”? Yeah, that sounds likely… NOT. You “have a mental illness and can’t afford medication and you’ve been ostracized by your family and can’t take care of yourself or maintain a regular schedule because you have clinical schizophrenia”? Fshyeah, right! Come on, people. If every homeless person just stopped whining about how “they served America in [Korea/Vietnam/Iraq/Afghanistan/Iraq] and the trauma of combat gave them PTSD” then maybe the economy could go back to its glory years, the 1980s!

And unemployed? What the heck? Even Chinamen and Bangladeshis could get jobs after we closed every single manufacturing plant and factory in America and shipped them overseas to profit off of squalor, environmental destruction and government unconcern for human rights. And you can’t get a job here, in the Land of Opportunity? Every single one of my kids and their friends got jobs at my company. Every single one. Now quit running this God blessed country into the ground, freeloaders!

 

2) Ethnic Minorities
Okay, so basically, let’s cut the PC crap and admit that anyone who isn’t white is some kind of minority. Now, some radical lefty wingnuts argue that “white people are a minority in the world”, but the facts, as generated by the Konks Institute, don’t seem to agree with their crazy bleeding heart worldview. When you think problems in America, do you think some older white guy in a suit leading his company to greater profits? Do you think of some other older white guy in a suit campaigning for political office? Do you think of those two older white guys as actually the same guy, bouncing between the public and private sector, using his contacts and powers in one arena to influence and shape the other? No, of course not. You think of some brown or black or red or yellow person, (still cutting the PC crap here), who has no political or economic enfranchisement, meaning that of course they can’t affect things on the macro scale, not even a bunch of them, to the same degree as the older white man in the previous example, but hey, I’m not one of them and therefore they are probably ruining America. Stop it!

Read more

5 Pieces of SEO Clickbait to Advertise My Self-Written Author Profile

1) Funny Animals
Dogs are funny. Dogs. Funny dog pictures. Dogs in hats. Dogs doing cool things. Hilarious cat stunts. Horse videos you won’t believe. Not gross ones. Cutest chipmunk you’ve ever seen eating nuts. Not gross ones. The absolute best animal ever. Domesticated beasts turned web content. Deformed cats who are cute, but kinda gross, but if you don’t like them you’re a monster.

2) Bombastic Current Events Reporting
Democrat blunders. Politician revealed to be sociopath. Violence bad, or maybe not? Republicans are still racist, expose reveals. Shocking documents reveal paper still used to transmit information. Police break law to catch law breaking police officer. Rich people somehow not murdered in their homes on a daily basis. Spectacular insider report of leaked confidential secrets too hot for TV.

3) Celebrity Opinion’s and News
Tom Cruise thinks things about stuff, badly. Ryan Gosling weighs in on topical issue, promotes new movie. Scarlet Johansson voted prettiest Johansson named after fictional Civil War heroine. Celebs gossip among selves about nobodies. Paparazzi killed trying to snap picture of Justin Bieber murdering a paparazzi. One Direction. Hanson? I don’t know and I’m not googling this shit.

4) Cyber Tech Updates
iPhone and instagram: match made in heaven, or unanthropomorphized products bought and sold by soulless cretins? Cloud computing: made in heaven? Maggots refuse to cannibalize Steve Jobs’ corpse. Google and Facebook to insert ads into articles criticizing their advertising practices. Haggard Twitter user writes longer piece for silly blog without remuneration.

5) Sex Stuff Like Boners and Wangs and Tittys
Attractive humans mating! Attractive humans mating! Attractive humans mating! Attractive humans mating! Attractive humans mating! Attractive humans mating! Attractive humans mating! Attractive humans mating! Attractive humans mating!

 

Brendle is a writer, photographer, painter, poet, artist, musician, haberdasher, satirist, dreamer, dad, sister, husband, incarnation of the one true god, writer, artist, candystriper, thinker, blogger, scorpio, serial killer and biological entity trapped inside language. You can find his other amazing work on Blogorama, Twitstreamblr, Literary Dogshit Idiots, Forbes, The New Suicider, Misanthropic Populace, Fakename Magazine and Hyperlink Central. Brendle can often be found writing about himself in the third person, but then italicizing it, so it comes across as separate from the rest of the article you just read, like maybe an editor or someone wrote this and not him. He means, it’s not like he expects someone to read this and then hire him for real money to share his wisdom with the unwashed masses. He doesn’t wait by the phone metaphorically for that one moment when a celebrity or rich person notices his important work and becomes his champion, ushering him into the open arms of notoriety. He’s really tired of not getting the credit he deserves and also for getting the credit he does deserve and especially for getting the credit he doesn’t deserve, but is okay with not getting the credit he doesn’t deserve and also like just a general tiredness, he doesn’t know, maybe he should see a doctor. Like, it’s not normal to wake up tired, right? He doesn’t know. Anyway, thanks for reading this, he would say, if he were writing this, which he isn’t, because, again, it’s in italics.

Top 6 Rejected Stages of Grief

Most everyone is familiar with the “five stages of grief”, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, formulated by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and popularized in television shows, movies, advertisements and those weird forwarded emails your bullshit relatives send you instead of engaging with you directly. In fact, it may be the progenitor of the modern listicle. However, what most people don’t know is that dozens of other stages of grief were culled from the list for concision. Here are the absolutely real top six stages of grief omitted from the final Kübler-Ross model.

6. Rubbing the Hands Together and Cackling Maniacally
People in this unfortunate stage of grief tend to perform campy mischievous gestures while whispering clichéd phrases under their breath such as “At last, it begins”, “My plan is coming together perfectly”, “I’ve already secured my second term as President” or “The shareholders will be pleased”. If you see anyone twirling their mustache, brooding over pent fingers or constantly shaking hands with people in suits, they may be suffering from grief and should be considered potentially volatile.

5. Pedantry
“Actually,” begins the desperate cry of the grieving pedant. These poor souls are so shaken by grief that the only way they can cope with their lives is to nosily correct the smallest errors in friends, strangers and anyone unlucky enough to catch their notice. Pedantic grief manifests strongest when confronted with pop culture ephemera, as the pedant’s unnecessary attention to irrelevant detail can find numerous inconsistencies in the generally lazy constructs of mass media. Under no circumstance should one attempt to engage in a debate with someone in this condition, as continued argument only serves their sad delusion that people are interested in their absurd minutia.

4. The Underwater Stage
You know, like old video games or whatever. That’s the whole joke. Fuck you.

3. Glossolalia
Glossolalia, or speaking in tongues, has most often been associated with religious ecstasy, but in fact speaking in tongues, any tongue, is a sign of deep, irreparable loss. People suffering from grief sometimes attempt to symbolize material reality using “language”, an ideological tool created thousands of years ago by the first humans to grieve for existence itself. People in this stage may attempt to explain away the irrational and inexcusable indifference of the natural world by desperately assigning symbolic meaning to the completely arbitrary happenings of an amoral universe.

2. Necromantic Obsession
Also known as Orpheus Syndrome, this stage of grief compels the griever to seek out ways to cheat death and return their lost friends or loved ones from the grave. Eventually subsumed by “denial” in the Kübler-Ross list, necromantic obsession stems from an inability to accept the finality of death. Examples of necromantic obsession include drawing archetypical symbols such as pentagrams, octagons or circles on the floor in blood, repeatedly chanting the deceased’s name, telling everyone that the deceased is “in a better place”, decorating the home with animal skulls despite not living in the American southwest and listening to metal over the age of 15.

1. Dark Humor
Something of a misnomer, seeing as all humor is inherently dark and laughter itself is nothing but a coping mechanism to vent the frustrated helplessness of creatures simultaneously self-aware and ontologically ignorant, dark humor acts as a way for those struggling with grief to turn the tables on what is an otherwise terrible and paralyzing reality of existence and laugh at the absurdity that underwrites everything that is, ever was or ever will be. Those experiencing grief in this way may seem callous to tragedy, but in fact are crushed by the weight of a constant, dull grief, bearing down on them for what seems like years now. Each word, yes each word, this one, this one, this one, exorcizes some infinitesimal piece of that grief that haunts the psyche like a bad Scooby Doo villain whose shocking revelation upon being unmasked is that the mask conceals no face and the costume conceals no body, just an emptiness into which one can, should, must laugh. Remember when the Harlem Globetrotters were on Scooby Doo? And like Don Knotts? What was that all about?

Although the Kübler-Ross model fits most patterns of grief, never forget that grief can take an infinite number of forms and that each person experiences grief differently and inevitably. Don’t let some hyphenated-named doctor tell you what’s what. Be yourself, as the advertisements for mass-produced goods say, and rest assured that when your time comes to mourn the loss of everything you’ve ever loved, your authentic expression of inconsolable grief need not match some arbitrary list.

Top 7 WTF Reactions to Horrific Daily News

1. Oh God…
This favorite comes in handy because it connotes exasperated horror, born of an inability to process the amount of revolting, terrible shit going on in the world at any given time, while simultaneously evoking the image of a divine creator, responsible for that same world, who will eventually explain and justify its existence and the suffering of so many innocent people.

2. Jesus Christ!
Though superficially similar to #1, “Jesus Christ!” is a complex ejaculation that mingles anger with the image of compassion. Usually, this utterance can be read as “I can’t believe this shit!” which is ironic, especially if you’re loose with the definition of irony.

3. Fuck me.
Another ambiguous phrase, connoting both a desire to be punished, like the awful external world is so bad that one should be in more pain to identify with it, as well as the desire to feel the ultimate pleasure, to escape from the violent reality of contemporary society through orgasm.

4. What the hell!
The lack of interrogative punctuation here shows that this statement is entirely rhetorical, as no explanation could possibly serve to make sense of the atrocities witnessed on a daily basis by everyone in the world all the time, making the allusion to “hell” all the more apt.

5. [shaking the head sadly, sighing deeply]
Unable to even speak an inane catch-all for shock, fear and disgust, this response expresses absolute helplessness in the face of tragedy on such a large scale. The violent rupture of the real has shattered the fragile cohesion of symbolic order and only a mute gesture of body language, most often to an empty, quiet room, serves as the best articulation of impotent sadness.

6. [uncontrollable heaving sobs]
Unable to maintain emotional stability in the face of soul-crushing human folly, breaking down into great, heaving sobs that wrack the body with their force lets the reality that individual human lives were abruptly and violently ended meaninglessly (again) manifest in the universal symbol for grief.

7. [numb]
An empty numbness to the realization that this is what the world is apparently, this horror show of violence, counter-violence, counter-counter-violence, of exploitation, dehumanization, acquisition, jealousy, shame and death. There’s nothing. Just these brief moments of empty reflection in between attempts to engage with one’s personal life as if all this isn’t happening, won’t continue to happen. Maybe not to us personally, but to someone we love, someone we knew in school, someone we’ve never met. Has it always been this way? Is there anything other than this? Any other way to live as people? Is there anyone or anything to answer the heartbreakingly sincere questions of creatures trying to come to terms with existence in a monstrous system rife with senseless acts of cruelty?


6 Reasons to Get Out of Bed in the Morning

If you’ve ever woken up feeling like you just can’t get out of bed, this listicle is for you! Here are 6 uplifting tips to help motivate you to make it through another day.

1. Life is for the living!
You’re alive, assumedly, if you’re reading this, which you are, and therefore you should get out of bed because you’re going to be dead for a very, very long time. Death is pretty much like being in bed, except it’s forever, could happen at any time and nobody will ever put a loving arm around you to wake you up ever again. We can only assume that death is an insensate void, much like how we (don’t) remember the time before we were born. You could believe in some kind of afterlife, where you’re rejoined with your friends and loved ones in a perfect, eternal world of happiness, but come on. Also, you don’t even have to worry about dying, because it WILL happen to you.

2. There’s so much to do!
You can consume so many different types of food, products, services and media, all created by other people who are just as confused and wretched as you are, all designed to improve their producer’s material lot in this ridiculous world at your expense and keep you placated while the gears of an unfathomable machine continue to turn, crushing insignificant creatures like you between their indifferent teeth. Or you can take up with causes you care about, so long as you do so in an approved way, approved because they are wholly ineffective at producing actual change in the world and only serve to make the people who partake in them feel better! If you join a cause that might actually change something, prepare to be pepper sprayed or shot by sadistic police and/or military personnel who live to inflict pain on scum like you who don’t appreciate everything they have and want to whine instead of work for a living.

3. Be creative!
Instead of passively consuming, you too can impose your absurd worldview on others, masquerading your subjective and often self-aggrandizing opinions as insight into reality. Your voice just must be heard, and if you aren’t expressing yourself all the time, letting other people know just how interesting it must be to be you, then what point does your life have? None. So write words, take pictures, paint, draw, make music, dance, do whatever arbitrary activity makes you feel like you aren’t the emergent property of some biological accident, careening through time and space as pointlessly as every frozen asteroid hurtling across the incomprehensible vastness of the universe.

4. Meet other people!
There are so many people in the world, and not all of them are out to further their own agendas, hurt you to make themselves feel better, use you as an outlet for self-reflection they can’t seem to do in their own heads, or otherwise treat you as an object instead of a human being. Just most of them. And your chances of physical injury or death are like, 50%, tops. Most people will just drain your lifeforce by burdening you with their problems and not giving a single thought to yours, calling you whenever they need something. Most of them are also psychopaths, but won’t act on their psychosis because they are afraid of the consequences of doing so… for now. So don’t hide inside your house, where it’s safe and relaxing and calm, go out into a world where people are tortured, murdered, raped, beaten, robbed and scammed on a daily basis and meet someone!

5. Be productive!
Nobody likes a Lazy Larry, which is a name people apparently call lazy people. So instead, apply yourself to some mundane, repetitive task to fill up the long hours. If your task is mundane and repetitive enough, and you’re either bad enough at it or don’t care enough about it to get rich doing it, you’ll even convince yourself that it’s your job that’s keeping you from enjoying life, instead of the all-encompassing void. If you’re good at Work, you might start making a LOT of money. You can use this money to make even more money, and just keep making money until you become immortal! Haha, just kidding, you’ll still be trapped in the same existential condition as everyone else, but man, isn’t making money fun? In either case, before you know it, entire decades will have passed by, taking with them whatever energy and vigor you will then overestimate yourself having had, and you’ll be left a desiccated husk, unfit for anything but a merciful death.

6. You have no choice!
You can try staying in bed for as long as you want, but eventually you know you will give up and join the ranks of the wretched once again, feigning enthusiasm at the myriad tasks you loathe, while trying to convince everyone, especially yourself, that the time you spent lying in bed was just a “bad mood” and you’re “over it” and this, this hapless, quivering toady of the status quo, is the real you. You can see it now, flashing before your eyes, your future, the same day repeated with slight variations, broken up only by personal tragedy and loss. You still resist, but your limbs grow restless, your mind wanders and the bed seems more and more like a prison instead of just a part of a much larger prison which you can never escape. Hunger gnaws at your overfed stomach. You’re alive! Maybe there’s something good on TV. Maybe you can make something or meet someone interesting. You remember you have some work to get done. Whatever argument causes you to cave, the biological imperative to continue will always trump your silly ideas about non-participation.

Always remember the words of inspirational speaker and dead person Samuel Beckett, “you must go on, you can’t go on, you’ll go on.”