Archive for Luke O'Neil

Chekhov’s Boner and Other Lesser Known Literary Devices

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Chekhov’s Boner 

A story-telling principle which proposes that all introduced elements of a narrative must be resolved, i.e, if you mention Chekhov’s giant dick and balls in one scene, then it must reappear by the conclusion. As Chekhov himself wrote, “If in the first act you have gotten me all hard by rubbing your big-ass titties all over my junk, then by the end of the night I’m a get one off. Otherwise you wasting my time.”

Hamartia Brady

Originally derived from Aritstotels’ Poetics, where it was understood to be an error of judgment, our contemporary understanding of hamartia has taken on the context of a tragic, or fatal flaw, as in this commonly seen internet character trait of mistaking one’s own extensive working knowledge of pop cultural references as being anything to be remotely proud of, thereby rendering the hero a useless husk of vaguely familiar-sounding, but ultimately fruitless trivia regurgitated ad nauseum on internet listicles.

Renob S’vohkehc 

G.K. Chesteron explained this coinage of Dickens’, also known as Mooreeffoc, to mean “the queerness of things that have become trite when they are seen suddenly from a new angle.” For example your image of famed Russian dramatist Anton Chekhov now that you’re thinking about him walking around in a pince-nez and bowtie with a big purple boner pointing it at everyone on the set of Three Sisters. “The queerness of things that have become trite,” is also often used to describe your personal brand on our message board you don’t know about.

Pathetic Phallusy 

What our moms said about your tiny little dick. Wait that doesn’t make our mom’s sound good, hrmm. Nah, it’s worth it. Our moms said you have a pathetic little phallus, and also that your balls were as dreary as the sullen clouds, hanging about morosely, as mourners attending a coffin.

Leitwortstil

The repetition of a specific wording or phrase within a narrative, meant to reinforce the underlying theme or tone of the piece, i.e., in your specific instance the word FAIL which has followed you around for as long as you can remember, and, as it turns out, looks like it’s not going away any time soon. Anyway, that’s the theme of your dramatic arc: FAIL.

Denowment

Derived from the dramatic structural movement dénouement, this goofy coinage would make a great premise for a reverse-engineered-from-a-pun-trend-piece in the New York Times. “With the hyper-connected pace of internet culture, particularly in hipster enclaves like Brooklyn, contemporary teens and twenty-something teens are increasingly becoming too impatient to wait around for the resolution of any of the meaningful developments in their lives, instead hoping to scroll ahead to the denowment to see how things will play out.” [Hold on a minute, actually going to go pitch this story, brb.]  Also describes skipping ahead on a Tube 8 video to the cumshot.

序破急

Translated from the Japanese, Jo-ha-kyū, is a traditional pattern in the arts which means “beginning, break, rapid” that will be familiar to people who were like, haha exactly on that last porn joke up there, scumbags.

Parad0x

A collection of anomalous incongruities meant to illustrate an unexpected insight, as when an internet user continuously references their voracious cultural tastes and consumer habits in an effort to construct a specific type of personal brand, but the effort is so obvious the user ultimately ends up d0xing themselves as a big try-hard baby.

Chekhov’s Butthole

Same thing as Chekhov’s Boner, but this time it’s his big Russian butthole.

 

@lukeoneil47

60 Million Unique Visitors Who Didn’t See Your Snarky Buzzfeed Thought Piece.

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Mideast Saudi Hajj

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21 Things Racist Parents Of Millenials Hate

1. Autocorrect and anal sex (via God’s will et al).

Autocorrect

2. Your tattoos and black people.

Your tattoos

Source: buzzfeed.com

The 50 Most Surprising Aaron Hernandez Getting Raped In Prison Gags!

Not going to lie, if you’re anything like us around here at the FeedBuzz HQ, the first thing you think about when you hear of a crime having been committed is: “I wonder what’s in store, penetration-wise, for this individuals butt-hole vis a vis forced sex?” Classic quandary, we’ve all been there, let’s not lie about it. Here are a few internet jokesters that were wondering the same thing about New England Patriot’s TIGHT END Aaron Hernandez, a Mexican fella, who got himself in a jam this week, by probably shooting someone in the head. Not gonna lie, that seems like a surefire recipe for getting raped in prison.

Not yet!

You know what they say about what happens when you ass-ume? You get a criminal’s penis in your ass and you’re all “UME I DONT LIKE THAT PARTICULARLY”

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Top 5 Sequels That Were Better Than the Original on the Internet

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“35 More Ways to Get Your Fill of Avocado – The Huffington Post

The first avocado list was a great slideshow in its own right, but “35 More Ways to Get Your Fill of Avocado” trumps it in almost every category, and is easy to follow even if you never saw the original. It has better set dressing for the avocados (Chilled Avocado And Yogurt Soup With Melon being a highlight of chiaroscuro), more iconic moments (Warm Couscous, Beef And Avocado Salad just coming out of nowhere in the 9th slide), and a broader spectrum of other food publications the photos and recipes are aggregated from without permission. Anyone who grew up in the 2kteens has fond memories of the AVC1, but by the time you get to the sudden twist of Grilled Steak Tacos With Avocado Salsa toward the denoument of the sequel, it’s just game over. This is not only a sequel that was better than the original, but quite possibly the best sequel of all-time.

Upgrade Your Abs — Men’s Journal (.com)

It’s said that the definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, but that hasn’t stopped Men’s Journal from trying to teach men everywhere how to improve their abs with that one plank move they’re obsessed with. Thing is, it works every single time. Hence all those abs you see now-a-days. Can’t argue with results.

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30 Under 30 Must Follows of #WeirdTwitter

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10 Racist Things The Boston Double Rainbow Said on Twitter

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There was a gorgeous double rainbow over the city of Boston last night, which was memorable because of its beauty, and also because it reminded us of one of the stronger meme brands in recent years: Boston. Also adding to its buzz power on Twitter and Vine and Instagram and other social networks such as Facebook was how it reminded us of the presence of the Lord in our daily lives. Was this a sign from the Lord? people asked on Twitter and in various Storify roundups of the best tweets about the double rainbow. It was not, because what most people don’t know is that this double rainbow is racist. Here are a few of the Top 10 Racist Things The  Boston Double Rainbow Said on Twitter ALL IMAGES VIA TWITTER.COM

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It’s ironic how a little Mexican boy is singing the national anthem of AMERICA.

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The 10 Least Funny Stand Up Comedians On Twitter

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MITCH HEDBERG :(

 

Roman skeleton that inspired Sylvia Plath

BILL HICKS :(

Roman skeleton that inspired Sylvia Plath

SAM KINISON :(

skeleton remains of king

GEORGE CARLIN :(

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BERNIE MAC :( RIP

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LENNY BRUCE :(

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SKELETON HORSE COMEDIAN :(

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MARC MARON :(

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MICHAEL IAN BLACK :(

 

 

@lukeoneil47 

The House of Listerion

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And the internet gave birth to a child who was called Listerion.

I know they accuse me of vapidity, and perhaps emptiness, and perhaps of banality. Such accusations (for which I shall extract my CPM in due time) are FAIL. It is true that I never leave my office to report a story, but it is also true that its doors (whose numbers are infinite) [Related: Top 12 Doors in My Office] are open day and night to men and to [cute] animals as well. Anyone may click through. He will find here no gallant journalistic formality, but he will find fleeting mirth. And he will also find a Listicle like no other on the face of this earth. (There are those who declare there is a similar one being curated now elsewhere but they lie.)

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Who Said It: Obama, Orwell, Or A Porn Tube Commenter?

Obama

Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. Because it’s only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential.

ANSWER: OBAMA

Obama

 

I will cut taxes – cut taxes – for 95 percent of all working families, because, in an economy like this, the last thing we should do is raise taxes on the middle class.

ANSWER: OBAMA

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