Archive for politics much

Ten of the Twerkinest Moments In the US-Pakistan agreement on drones

By Jason “A Teacher in Miracles” Rhode (@iamthemaster)

Like many Americans, I’m seriously concerned about our country’s use of unmanned aerial assault vehicles. While doubtless they increase our ability to prosecute the Global War on Terror, or GWOT, we should ask ourselves whether we’ve made killing too easy. Let’s face facts: at some point, the ease of button-pressing circumvents the moral judgment.

And it’s not just me that feels this way. The other night, I was saying to the wife: “Did you know several million cases of ‘Snake Heart’ have also been reported in medical literature? Also nowadays humans with extra nipples or ‘Accessory breast’ is on the rise, which is probably reducible to the growing ‘aerochemical power’ of the State of Texas.” Here in the Holy Land, we just call our state “A Numba One Stunnah!” Try it. Seriously, right fucking now.

Now as some of my longterm readers here on FeedBuzz may know, I recently became an M.D. in a totally legitimate fashion, and let me tell you know, I’ve gone for a man who lived for late-night serial killer docudramas on the History Channel to a respected authority in my fields, which is no longer paranormal fetishism, but medicine.

As we say in West Texas, mammal by birth, Texan by the Grace O’ God! The undergod, that is.

1. Say the name 

Drones are said to serve the common good. Now I live to serve the common good, and by getting my degree from a real Burmese prison hospital, I’m well on my way to finding the stepping stones to a career making Human Centipedes or helping the future Octomoms of America procreate — or maybe, just maybe — perhaps with the help of chakras — inviting convicts from every single part of ‘Murica to kill the molester within by chemical means. What can I say, I am a … dreamer?

2. Dieting is the hardest fun you’ll ever have! 

For the past two years, as documented by the British advocacy group UKDrones, there’s been a widespread consensus among high-placed individuals in the technological and military fields that the Obama Administration needs to come clean about their rubric for drone-use.

Such a tale, had it been written, would have explained, in satisfactory and nigh-pornographic detail, why the smiles of children are trillions of magic miracles, and how to get mystery blood out of stuffed animals, why several of the male hobos I have seen have manboobs and no shirt. It would have explained when the time is right for throwing obnoxious tweens off of cliffs (protip: April Fool’s Day, or any time), and provided nature’s first exhaustive explanation of why so many of us are given to the ancient act of throwing diseased poultry to the homeless, followed by a primer in which I would explain for the squeamish the methods of making the leather from the animals who have died of diseased poultry, and why devouring them is not always your worst option in lean and hungry times (see: Oklahomans, eating habits during 1930s Dust Bowl). Indeed, it is the fact that the drone program is under CIA direction, as opposed to military command, that has so many blue-chip experts in the field so concerned. I personally have analyzed government reports released under FOIA.

In addition to all of this, which I hand-copied from my educational primer for young boys and younger girls, there would have been a fabulous rainbow of errata addenda desiderata: many other choice educational and moral lessons not easily obtained in this world of grays, stances which are now seen by the fashionable as “9/10 thinking” but are secretly still available in the post-Sheen breakdown world. By the end of the eons it would have taken to read that letter, Steven Spielberg would have been able to fulfill his great patriotic dream of personally fellating every WW2 veteran living and dead. By and large, the President has wielded drones by executive fiat. Is this the democracy we want? To say nothing of the democracy we deserve.

3. Remember Dan Quayle — LOL??? 

Nonetheless, as I’ve detailed above, the new specifications for the Riverwater C-340 model are concerning to many citizens, particularly the way it makes minimal use of human decisionmaking. We’re told, blithely, that the heuristics which are used by the drones are capable of differentiating between friend and foe. Yet when have soldiers ever been able to perfectly discern their side from the enemy’s, when substantially surrounded by the fog of war? In this realization of little essential difference lies a powerful moral. We’re not so different, are we?

That human-to-human empathy is a revelation. Not “revelations” in the definition of “a petty way of realizing something.” I don’t mean “revelation” in the sense of “Hey, here’s some fun factz about rainforest life off a Burger King Kid’s Club cup for us.” By revelations, I don’t mean the kind of epiphany therapy that happens in TV shows and movies. I mean the Book of St. John the Divine Revelations, the single most insane thing ever captured on paper or papyrus. You know? We all prayed in the Nineties for a sequel to “Tuesdays With Morrie.” And when that sequel did come out titled “Tuesdays With Morrie … and His Dick,” we were all very impressed. Until “The Last Lecture” made us forget about his decaying ass, am I right? A great majority of Americans are in favor of tighter restrictions on drone usage.

But I don’t want my revelations that old. … I want modern crazy Revelation-ish stuff. American-style. And we do have our own brand of American Revelation prose.

Take the word “dejazzle” for a second. Dejazzle may not be a word, it may be the grey daylight shade of a word that ought to be but isn’t. But let’s roll with for now, I guess. People talk about the advent of Roots or the equally earthshaking Mama’s Family, the first breakdance by an old white man, and Halo 2’s release, and all manner of Robocop-themed holidays and god knows what else. If you want people to regard your birthday in the same kind of tone, you have to make it special.

Since the 19th century, when printing technology became available on demand to literally *everyone* who could scrape together a few dollars, public areas of every country, particularly America, became flooded with pamphlets, tracts, screeds of every shape and size. Of course this has changed with the rise of the Internet, which has connected humanity heart to heart, paranoia to paranoia.

7. A brief diplomatic history of the United States and Pakistan — ???LOL

But in ye olde days — as late as 2000, as a matter of fact — there was a marvelous sight available if you visited the right libraries in the right cities. The city had to be one whose infrastructure was built or planned out before the advent of the automobile changed everything. The old cities were built around walking and horses. The library had to be a public joint, not a college institution. And yet drones have never really been offered up in public debate, one of the flaws of having two center-right parties at the heart of American politics.

I walked into such a scene in a public library in Lincoln Park in Chicago in the fall of 2000. (I promise this is getting to a point, bear with me.) And there, spread before me, was a veritable buffet of American Revelatory prose.

Because … immediately upon entering there was a table in front of me. Heaped on this table was a cornucopia of pamphlets telling me all about the dangers of water flouridation, that the END TIMES WERE NIGH, that all beasts of the field and birds of the air must be circumcised by Autobots … the last one is a joke, but it might as well have not been.

Yes, Virginia, I had never seen such splendid madness, not even on USA’s Up All Night. It was the American dreams of Ben Franklin and Tim Leary and John Birch combined in utterly batshit insane diatribes against the powers and principalities of the air.

This was before YouTube brought all caps commentary into the world, so the kind of gaping WUT that came from my mouth was fresh and virginal; the people of Arizona did not have Internet access at that time, in other words.

Now  some people might have trouble grasping abstract concepts like “mental illness” or “psychotic breakdown,” but since the day I first saw the Kingdom of the Blind, I have known what the tangible form of schizophrenia looks like. Frankly, my dear, it looks like a library entrance table with a shitload of crazy writings. I mean, have you ever read any of these? Every page, every passage of these are ripped straight from the digest of Nuttytown, every sentence has the same stink of the mimeograph about it, even if the mimeograph hasn’t been used by anybody for centuries.

11. Conclusion / Onanism is a Covenant with Hell’s Legions

Back to the birthday subject. I bring up the crazy pamphlet story to show the high expectations I have for revelations where parties are concerned. All I’m trying to get at, perhaps ineffectually, is a really good party, an epic soiree, is and should be indistinguishable from the first act in the family-friendly drama that is the End of the World. I mean, in other words, the party should feature “the works.”

What are “the works”? Oh, you know, the kind of fun that would scare Nabokov into paranoid, Larry-The-Cable-Guy mutterings: geometry no longer makes sense, John Boehner walks on two legs and sings slave gospel songs, the Yankees starting lineup is batted to death by a Japanese PeeWee team, spiders take over churches and preaching in churches, robot-fourth-stage feminism, PBS and the LDS join forces, the works. I’m talking a scene where John Lennon’s corpse and George Harrison’s corpse and the corpse masquerading as the relevant living Paul McCartney, and yes, Ringo too, meet up at the old CBGB’s in New York to reenact skiffle jams from Liverpool’s church backyard fetes, circa 1957.

Well, okay, that last bit sounds more like something you see in Heaven. I tell ya, if that did ever happen, I would just applaud and applaud until my hands were stumps whence no clapping could ever come from again. And there would be many cry-tears in the parts of my head where wild animal joy had been but scant seconds before. A mighty blessing! Drones should be a concern to all persons who value human rights and human freedom.



11 Ways Media are Exactly Like Sharks


1 can’t stop moving
2 eat their young
3 more scared of you than you are them
4 tiny dicks Read more

4 Things I’ll Miss About the Government Shutdown

It’s been a couple weeks but I’m finally getting around to writing my article on the government shutdown. It’s a tragedy! According to the news articles I am literally reading as I type this, it’s a very bad thing. And I know how much I dislike bad things, especially if I’m told by the internet that it’s a bad thing. So I’m here to rally against this government shutdown and fight it to the death. I’m going to fight the whole government.

Oh, wait, it’s over? Oh man, I’m really glad to hear that. I don’t even know what it meant to shut down the government since I still saw cops poking their heads where they didn’t need to be, like in the shoe store where I was trying to hit on the shoes. What were they even fighting over, land? Anyway, as you can see I don’t know shit about the government shutdown because I’ve been playing Grand Theft Auto for a month and I don’t know better. There are a few things that came from the shutdown, though, that will be sorely missed as we move forward into what will most likely be an era of complete political cooperation and harmony.

1. Newspaper Headlines

There was something very calming about my morning routine during the government shutdown. Most of the morning was usual: I would wake up eight to eleven times, finally pull my horrible bloated body out of bed and get dressed. Then I would drive to work, but on the way I would pick up a newspaper. The magic of that small portion of my morning, though, was that I knew exactly what the headline of the newspaper  would be before I even saw it. “These are the people who are sad today about the government shutdown,” “This is one of the guys fighting about the government with all the other government people,” “Here’s some animals you can’t see now.”

I REALLY dislike change, and I hate being surprised, so this really brings me some peace of mind that I didn’t know I was missing. Couldn’t be happier about that.

2. Great Tweets About the Shutdown

Man, have you SEEN these things? No wonder our government is essentially bankrupt, we’re getting our credit rating dropped so we can keep these AAA comedy writers working, and the shutdown only means they’re going to need MORE money to crank these jokes out.

I’ll be honest with you; I took a break here to look up some great tweets about the government shutdown, but I ended up on a single person’s twitter reading their great tweets in general. I’m going to show you some of them right now.

This is the perfect example of a great tweet about the government shutdown. You see, this particular user must have awoken in a cold sweat one night, a million thoughts rushing through his mind. He needed a way to escape the words in his head, but he didn’t have many options. Scrambling to his computer, he remembered something his friend from starbucks said once: “Twitter’s a pretty cool website. You can just get on and say, like, whatever random thing you think of.” So began Jonesy Jones’ story, when he created a Twitter account to tweet this very original and never-before-used government shutdown joke first and foremost. Then, of course, he realized what potential he had to make excellent jokes everybody would love.

Jonesy Jones would continue on his path, coming up with even more topical and edgy humor to tweet out. He was a prodigy, and nobody would stand in his way.

At first you may think this is a joke, but in reality this is a very serious tweet. Jonesy Jones is not only humble in suggesting he doesn’t need followers, he addresses the serious issue of cocaine addiction. In support of his cause, I did not follow Jonesy Jones.

Jonesy Jones back on his topical game here! You see, The Walking Dead is a TV show that is popular. Therefore, this joke is a good joke. Nothing more needs to be said here.

Don’t really understand this one, actually. Only posting it in the hopes that someone will explain it to me.

This one is true art. Simple, yet very sophisticated. There are a lot of layers to this tweet and I’m in love with it.

Revisiting the fox concept again, totally understandable. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Love this kid’s style.

Under the surface, you can always sense something with Jonesy Jones. Much like a troubled superhero, JJ prefers a bit of seclusion every now and then. He has a lot on his mind, and when you’re a creative genius sometimes you just need to be alone to sort all of your original and hilarious thoughts out.

Anyways, I got sidetracked thinking about Jonesy Jones. Let’s continue with the list.

3. Lists of Great Tweets About the Shutdown

Holy cow, these lists. I am absolutely bonkers for them. Sometimes it can be hard to filter through the serious political discourse online when you search for government shutdown jokes. I’m not here to care, I’m here to read original and hysterical content from the world’s greatest comedic minds. So they’ve made it easy by making some hashtags, like #ShutdownPickupLines. Being somewhat of a pickup artist myself (I have had sex with at least two women), I couldn’t resist seeing this great stuff. Thankfully, CBS did me a favor and compiled a list of the best ones!

Couldn’t be happier that CBS did me a solid and handed out this list for all curious eyes to see, it really makes finding content simpler. Now I can follow all of these people all at once instead of digging their sweet jokes up! If only there were more sites that found the best things falling under particular categories and compiled them in list form for me.

4. Signs

Boy oh boy, do I love signs. There are few things better and more concise than a good sign. Signs have very specific purposes, and they don’t cut corners unless the sign was designed as a rounded geometrical shape. Then all the corners are cut.

The reason I didn’t like the movie Signs starring Mel Gibson was because there honestly weren’t a lot of signs in the movie and I felt very betrayed by that fact. More movies should be truer to their titles and I would like them better, like Avatar. If Avatar was two and a half hours of me trying to line up a seasonally-relevant image onto the image of my twitter avatar, I would have actually gone and seen that movie.

A sign is a very powerful thing, and thanks to the government shutdown a lot of signs had to be put up letting people know they aren’t allowed to walk in a certain place or look at the big old stone thing someone built up close. In some places you aren’t even allowed to look at trees or giant holes in the ground. Working in DC, I now get to see a fair share of signs all telling me that the government is restricting me from walking around and looking at specific things. Here are a few examples of my favorite signs I got to see during the government shutdown.

Restricted grass. They can't pay for the grass anymore

Restricted grass. They can’t pay for the grass anymore

The ruthless government shutdown has restricted people from being able to look at this sign

The ruthless government shutdown has restricted people from being able to look at this sign

The Department of Interior Design says you can't walk on the grass or swim in the government pool. In the background, you can see some anarchists rallying against the government

The Department of Interior Design says you can’t walk on the grass or swim in the government pool. In the background, you can see some anarchists rallying against the government

These trees are also closed, thanks to this magical window. The real issue here is that the firewood ban was likely cancelled during this time

These trees are also closed, thanks to this magical window. The real issue here is that the firewood ban was likely cancelled during this time

In this image, the world's saddest man tapes the world's saddest sign to a window

In this image, the world’s saddest man tapes the world’s saddest sign to a window

Here you can see a cop wearing a North Face jacket and track pants ready to shoot on sight at anybody who tries to run up the stairs into the catacombs

Here you can see a cop wearing a North Face jacket and track pants ready to shoot on sight at anybody who tries to run up the stairs into the catacombs.

There were a lot of things to love during the government shutdown, and leave it to our government to finally stop doing that thing once I start loving it. I think the thing I’ll miss the most is the signs, but I can rejoice that I have made a new friend in these trying times. I look forward to reading all of Jonesy Jones’ wonderful content.

Top Reasons Obama Cancelled on Putin

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.


The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with you all.

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I’m a Cranky Baby with a Soiled Diaper

This guest post is being guest posted by A Crying Baby. He was having his bottle and his mommy had to burp him so I am posting it for him. Then he pooped in his diaper. Pretty much he cries over every little thing in his life. The bigwigs at Konks said I had to post his crying jag here on FeedBuzz. So here it is.  Don’t blame me. Blame:


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That One Time I Was Really, Really Excited About Desegregation

…until I realized everything I thought about Desegregation was totally wrong.

sponsored post from the Herrytugs Institute.

When I first learned the Supreme Court was going to desegregate public schools I was all like


But then I found out that would mean poor black students would overrun my school, and I was all like

giphy (1)

I heard the Governor was going to shut down public schools so I could go to an all-white private school, and I was all like


Then some federal judge ruled that was “unconstitutional,” and I was all like

original (2)

So I managed to graduate high school and attend an all-white Christian college and be all like


But then the IRS revoked their tax-exempt status, forcing my college to desegregate, and I was all like


I thought I could just finish my degree then get an upper-management job in a professional office and be all like


But then they gave me job to a probably unqualified minority just because of affirmative action, and I was all like

At least I still could go home to my all-white suburban gated community and be all like


O wait nvm the federal government banned redlining, so I was all like


Just when things looked their bleakest and I was about to be all like

original (1)

… Ronald freaking Reagan was elected President


Reagan was all like


And he went “YOLO” and rolled back desegregation and civil rights all like


Making the country a better place for people like me.


Thank you, President Reagan. One day, I’ll join you up there in White Heaven.


18 Listicles I Agreed To Write So I Could Swim Scrooge-McDuck-Style In The Konks Institute’s Money Bin

I once dreamed of using my proficiency in language arts to earn a living, connect with an audience and make the world a better place. But in this modern e-lancing gig economy, I’ve learned to take what I can get. When the Konks Institute graciously offered me a chance to dip my toes into an obscene vault of their filthy lucre in exchange for a dozen unresearched trend listicles, I jumped at the chance. It may not pay enough to afford Brooklyn rent, but at least it covers my organic kombucha and kale chips habit. Here’s a preview:

1. 23 Awesome Photos Of Publicly-Funded Paramilitary Mercenaries Defending Our Job Creators’ Property

2. 78 Epic Sherman Anit-Trust Act Fails

3. 14 Ways To Unleash the Entrepreneurial Spirit On 800 Calories a Day

4. 43 Crunked-Out Instances When The Gipper Got Hyphy

5. 27 Great Surf Spots Rising Sea Levels Will Soon Create

6. 66 Illnesses That May Be Cured By Ingesting Hydrofracking Wastewater

7. How Google Glass Could Have Prevented The Assassination Of President McKinley

8. Monday Morning Cute Therapy! 72 Squee Pics Of Ronald Reagan, John Wayne And Charlton Heston

9. 20 Latin American Countries That Should Be Privatized

10. 44 McCarthy-Era References Successful Millennials Drop To Ingratiate Themselves To Their Bosses

11. 57 Contemporary Hip-Hop Recording Artists Who Wish They Had Reagan’s Swag

12. 105 Endangered Species That Should Just Go Extinct Because Future Generations Won’t Miss Them Anyway

13. 237 Personal Blog Posts I Deleted Before Applying For This Job

14. 2 Whootylicious First Ladies Of The 1980s

15. What Sharknado Time Royal Baby Does Gangnam Style The Justin Bieber Super Lady Gaga Nipslip Bowl Snowden Start?

16. The Armenian Genocide Explained In 84 Gifs From DreamWorks’ Turbo® Starring Ryan Reynolds In Theaters Now

17. 13 Pedantic Journalism Theory Arguments Punctuated By Gifs From Aaron Sorkin’s The Newsroom

18. 35 Things You Should Unquestioningly Believe and Repeat To Everyone You Know


As a naive teen, I thought by writing down my ideas I could change the world. Then I got this incredible opportunity from the Konks Institute to meet the men who sign my paycheck and literally submerge myself in an enormous golden pile of their scandalous boodle. Now I know to leave the ideology to my betters and devote my entire online presence to poisoning American discourse. That’s okay, I can still change the world with my unpublishable novel after I retire.

6 Signs You’re The Royal Baby

Are you the royal baby? Are you sure? You could be the Royal Baby who’s been the center of all this hubbub and you don’t even know it yet! You should hold a press conference and tell the world how you feel and collect your money and crowns and jewels and fried hardboiled eggs in sausage casing or whatever those monsters shove into their disgusting fat faces over there. Here are some signs you’re actually the Royal Baby you’ve been reading so much about:

1. You Were Just Born

Were you JUST born? Like, just just born. Are you a brand new human surfing the web on your iPad checking out this really cool site and are you thinking “wait a second… yeah, I was just born now that you mention it”? Is there a deep maroonish purplish pod of human flesh and blood and extra shit that came out of the vagina you also just came out of? Dang dude, that’s called placenta. You wouldn’t know the name yet, because you’ve just been born. Do you see it and not know what it’s called? You’re one step closer to being the Royal Baby.

2. You’re White

Are you a white baby? Maybe the whitest baby? This might be a difficult question for you because racism isn’t an inherent human trait, but you’ll be taught by some of the best racists on this planet. “White” is a term for Caucasian humans. Do you have light colored skin? Can you see your veins through your sickly white pasty disgusting epidermis? Good news, not only does this make you even CLOSER to being the Royal Baby but also as far as how our terrible world works, this bodes well for you. Congrats.

3. You’re Surrounded By A Ton Of Hideous Ghouls and One Pretty Lady

The pretty lady is a victim of circumstance, the Ghouls are the illuminati. They run the world for no reason that they all just fucked each other and came from people that used to tell other people to kill the other people and control the other people. It’s all very intense and awful but don’t worry, you’ll never have to worry about it. Are you worried about something? You’re not the Royal Baby then. If you’re not worried about shit at all you’re sounding pretty fucking #Royal #Baby to me, baby yeaaaaah.


 4. The Ghouls Are Saying Things Like “OOOO” and “GUVNAH” and “SPIT SPOT”

There are chimney sweeps coming in and out of the Postnatal Ward with soot all over their faces and their eyes are just lighting up when they see you. They are overcome with emotion when they see your perfect angelic face. “Ohhh, he’s a right ol beaut chap ain’t he?” They’ll say with their hot disgusting breath fogging up the bullet proof glass that protects you from these lowly peasants. Do you hate peasants? Sounds like you’re pretty much the RO-YAL BA-BY *clap clap clapclapclap* RO-YAL BA-BY *clap clap clapclapclap*


5. You’re Looking Up The Score Of The West Midlands Derby On Your Samsung Galaxy 5

You’re definitely Warwickshire man and you can’t stand the bloody cunts from Worcestershire. Even with all the off-field shenanigans going on you still love the sound of the bowler heaving his mighty hurl down the pitch and exploding the sticky pins all asunder. Oh, what cracking good fun! It’s the closest thing you’ve got to baseball and it looks much less pompous than playing polo or some shit, but you still get to wear knitted sweaters and prance about in your trousers. Royal Baby Party of 1?

6. Your Uncle Is Wearing His Nazi Uniform Costume in the Hospital

Well, it’s official. You’re the Royal Baby! Time to call up Baby North West and start taking advantage of women all over the world because you have money and you have power and everything is right for the taking. The world is filled with Haves and Have-Nots and you are definitely a Have. Perhaps one of the biggest Haves ever. For some reason, some humans are better than others and with you, we knew it before you were even born. Sounds unfair? Unreasonable? Shitty? Fucking awful? You certainly don’t think so. You’re the fucking Royal Baby.

The Pathologization of the Inarticulable Dread of the Modern Capitalist Condition Explained By Screeching Murder Hawks



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29 Hill Staffer Problems

Source: A literal clown

Hi hello! I am a clown as well and here is my clown article.

We all know having a job is dumb, but the dumbest job for trash men and garbage women in the USA country of America is literally working on Capitol Hill. You have to work with people who run our country, get exposed to politics, help your country through public service, make good money and have a powerful support system that grants you nearly endless career opportunities. What kind of moron wants to deal with that? The toilet man at Arby’s has a better job! If you want to be successful in life, do what I did: Attend a 2-year associates program at Fucking Idiot Clown College. I got my certificate in Being a Horse’s Ass. It’s helped. Big time.

So working on Capitol Hill?

Bro, this is the worst!

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