Five Historical Badasses (That Your Teachers Lied To You About)

1. Abraham Lincoln

Sure, you learned all about Abraham Lincoln freeing the slaves in school. You probably also learned that he admitted two states to the Union (not including the ones he prevented from seceding), which is no small feat. But they probably didn’t teach you that Lincoln was a well-respected wrestler! It might be hard to imagine Abraham Lincoln striding down to the ring with a steel chair like in the WWE, but he did indeed practice amateur wrestling in his younger years, even handily defeating the leader of a local gang of roughnecks called the “Clary’s Grove Boys.” Sadly, the historical record does not specify whether or not he then flexed his guns and yelled, “Whatcha gonna do when Lincolnmania runs wild on you?” But maybe he did!

2. Buckminster Fuller

Most Olympians will agree that stamina is crucial, regardless of the event. And even though Buckminster Fuller was no athlete, he once performed a feat of endurance that would even Jamie? Can you see this, Jamie?

3. Ada Lovelace

Jamie, listen. Please listen to us. You’ve been in a coma since the accident. Doctor Clarke says you’re talking in your sleep and it sounds like you’re in some kind of dream state where you’ve constructed an imaginary world to live in. She says your eyes are open sometimes and you’re hearing what people say but it’s just not reaching you like it should. She says sometimes she can try to influence things in this dream world by talking to you or showing you things. She had us write this down and she’s going to try to…we don’t know, it sounds almost like hypnotic suggestion, but she says she can get this letter to show up in a place where you can read it. Jamie, can you see this? We love you and we miss you so much.

4. Please listen to us Jamie, you have to wake up

Doctor Clarke says it sounds like your name isn’t even Jamie in this imaginary world. That sounds so crazy. We don’t understand. Are you happy in there? Do you remember us? Do you miss us? We miss you. We all miss you so much, we cry all the time. But please listen: You have to wake up. Doctor Clarke says there’s only so much time before the coma state becomes permanent. She says your body is healed, but your mind just isn’t coming around. She says you have to choose to wake up. She says if you don’t wake up soon, you never will. And your living will specifies that we’re supposed to pull the plug if you end up in a permanently comatose state. Please don’t make us do that. We don’t want to do that. We want – we need you to come back to us. Jamie, you’re going to die if you don’t wake up. Please, please wake up. Please.

5. Oscar Wilde

It just doesn’t make sense to us that you’re living in some dream state, that you don’t remember your name is Jamie. That you don’t remember your wedding day. This letter is our last chance. If you can’t wake up now, Doctor Clarke says it’s almost certain you never will. PLEASE, PLEASE, OH GOD JAMIE THIS IS SO TERRIBLE PLEASE WAeorge Foreman a run for his money! Too bad he didn’t live in the modern age – he missed out on endorsement deals like the Oscar Wilde Grill or maybe Oscar Wilde’s Punch-Out! for the Nintendo. Also he would not have been incarcerated for sodomy.

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