Five Ways to Tell the Old Gods Have Awakened

As the world we all share seems to become slightly madder by the moment I think it’s time we all took a deep breathe and stared in the Abyss. It’s obvious that all this crazy bullshit isn’t just the cause of rapid globalization or the last breaths of an antiquated epoch, but instead the work of long dead gods who seek to feast upon our dumb fucking planet. As this is obviously the only answer that makes sense anymore, I’m going to go ahead and share these 5 signs of our impending doom and what they means.


1. There’s a such thing as Tuesday now

I shit you not this is a new thing. The sentient workers and psychic leeches of the Great Deceiver have really played a number on us this time. You see, It used to be that Wednesday came after Monday, but in the name of Yar’tareneth the Deceiver and Capit’lsim the Destroyer of Flesh the work week got longer and made up some bullshit wikipedia articles to trick the weak minded fools who will argue against me. This is mostly a plot to feast upon the marrow of children stuck working in sweatshops as well as up production on iPhones. By adding an extra day to the work-week, the old gods have essentially accelerated our communal descent in to madness by 25% and no anger the old one named Garfield by just making Monday longer.


2. Betty White

Her career booming when all she does is post shit my grandmother would email me with her normal “FWD:FWD:FWD:FWD:FWD: 7 Halmark Cards from FARK.Com” approach cannot be attributed to anything else but the horrible divine hand of Sher’goro’th, a long dead Babylonian priest who ate the hearts of every child captured from the Egyptians to ascend upon the Dark Mantle of Madness. By regurgitating the jokes of terrible Youtube comedy performances, Betty has tipped her hand. We can see the extra rows of teeth her eyelids try to hide and we can all take the needed precautions to locate the Moldy Nest of Yuren that she must sleep in every night and burn it,


3. Fox News

This network was started as an Onion-esque parody but when the god of Eternal Hatred, Becj’Neroh and his terrible demon servant Palin’toroth slipped in to the blood stream, they turned it in to the awful hate spewing factory of fat gun loving, gay hating, incest supporting harpies it has become. Becj’Neroh, known in Sanskrit as “Glen” was thought dead, having been banished to the eternal abyss of riding radio waves across the cosmos, but emerged from the fetid womb of his own acolyte to begin feasting upon the gold obsessed masses who wish to damn their own species to ascend to a throne built on guns and fat chicks.


4. The New England Patriots

Bill Belichick is the fucking devil and there’s no other way to explain Tom Brady having a successful career outside of demonic influence. I shudder at the thought of him elevating Tebow to such a position.

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