Gaze Upon this Ridiculous Footwear, Gentle Reader



Now my feet must not be known,
these corns and callous not be shown,
Which is most faint: now, ’tis true,
They must be here confined by shoes,
I stood in line and footwear bought,
these wicked kicks that I have got
And now they in mine closet dwell
but never worn – collect to sell;
There’s no release from all these brands
I’ll buy what size you have on hand:
O’er your logo Jordan sails
Must have the shoes or epic fails
Jumpman received, and now I want
Perhaps a Shaq or a Bryant,
Out of stock is my is despair,
Unless I be relieved by prayer,
One more Nike Air Assault
I earned these shoes, who is John Galt?
I hurt no one so pardon me,
Let my indulgence set me free.


8. Reebok ATV 19


sh01The first dumb shoe I show to thee,

is called the Reebok ATV

A sole with lugs that cure the ills,

of running on yon rocky hills

A problem ne’er known to be,

now solved with strangeness on your feet

And the only social cost:

your feet look like piglets of moss


7. Adidas Springblade




Adidas now presents a nod,

to viking ships or isopods

With bladed springs to help you run,

why let your muscles have the fun?

Beware the buyer of this shoe,

the jogger or triathlete dude

They’ll feel it working, know it’s true –

just like menthol in their shampoo


6. Reebok Pump Fury




The 90′s we remember now,

When Bart had said, ‘Don’t have a cow!’

And Reebok shoes all had a pump,

to squeeze your feet and kick some rump

A rightly dead technology,

resurrected for all to see

But not enough to bring it back,

let’s circus paint them for a laugh

A clown may wear a sim’lar sort,

to stomp about his three-ring’d court

Yet these are hip and cool they say,

so buy a pair you popinjay!


5. Maison Martin Margiela Streamlined High Top




10 years ago, it is known

Hope, jobs and cash we did all own,

And now they’re gone and what remains?

an empty void, a loss of gains

To fill the emptiness we feel,

we buy so our econ’my heals

Hey there Chuck, remember me?

Marvin Barry – I give to thee

That new shoe style you’re looking for,

Look at this! who’d ask for more?

A snake has fucked a desert boot,

and the world together woots!


4. Under Armour Micro G Charge


UA Footwear


To dominate your local court,

and win respect in this fair sport

No canvas shoe around your feet,

t’would not do in urban streets

These shoes recall the days of yore,

of armor and the warrior’s lore

Protect your feet, you stupid dick,

with Under Armour’s shiny kicks

And when the competition’s through,

you won’t look foolish – no not you!


3. Nike Zoom Hyperflight





Harken to the thunder, ye

the pow’r of Thor upon thine feet!


2. John Varvatos 315 Mac Double Zip Sneaker




Laces are a fiddly sort,

give me a zip on sneaker boots

Perchance that I am wearing jeans,

though I am not a philistine

My footwear must always exude,

a cornball fashion attitude

Ruche that leather my good man,

even my feet must have elan

Just take my my cash for these I say!

Who needs dignity anyway?


1. Tom’s Shoes





How can we dress a shapeless bag

to make it somewhat less a rag?

A fun or an ironic print?

Or fabric made from dryer lint?

It matters not for as you see,

wearing Tom’s is charity!

I care – just gaze upon my feet,

see the label? Pretty neat!

And now you know I’m a good guy,

mayhap some sex with you I’ll try