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George Zimmerman’s Reputation Rehabilitation Checklist

A bunch of knuckleheads out there are still grumping out on Georgie Zimms and I don’t know why! This swello fellow risked his life to save a community and in the eyes of the bald eagle of law and liberty has done no wrong! Why, these crumbums even hopped a bus to Scoff City when MC G Zeezy heroically pulled a family out of their overturned truck. The guy is essentially Batman, folks. What does he have to do to restore his sterling reputation as a crimefighter for good against bad guys? Enter me: A dang good brain man with the best thought forms! The think is easy! All we need to do is take a peek into this hero’s typical day and that will vaporize all misgivingers incertitudes. 

Here’s what Easy GZ Beautiful does on a typical Thursday:

5. Helps science with artificial insemination


What’s the heck is going on with vagina eggs anyway? Me, George and a team of Richard Branson-funded boffins aim to find out! I was going to be the guy to go risk his life by entering into this unexplored organ to see why the eggs are being total assholes to the life-giving sperms, but I’ve got some anime to watch so we got George to do it.

4. Stops sexual assault in space


Hey you pinko cosmonauts, the time for you to stop treating women as objects is nigh! Shortly after this footage was taken, George Washington Father of Our Country Zimmerman overturned the space station and dragged this poor woman out of the clutches of Boris Baddinoff and the Communist Spacefucker Gang. How did he get into space? Dodge Ram Longhorn Edition.

3. TED Talk on his personal Künstlerroman


What many of American’s 300+ million freedomers don’t know is that Guacamole Zardoz is a sensitive and artistic gentleman. His entire artist’s journey began as a youth ornamentally chasing and dispatching his sister’s dollies, moved to accosting zoo animals with a slingshot and led up to his his masterpiece on the roughshod streets of Sanford. A better statement of the cultural hegemony’s domination of the hoi polloi you will not find.

He also draws rudimentary clowns. A must watch.

2. Educates a child about Barack Obama


Grover Zeveland is a nice guy. In his spare time he takes kids to baseball games and explains how the government will conspire against you and how we elected a liar twice. By the way this game will cost you your allowance for the next month. Nothing is free, kid. You’ll appreciate this lesson later in life.

1. Mentors black kids


Hejor El Hombre de Habitación loves black kids. He loves to mentor them. He mentors them all the time. He spends his nights walking the streets looking for black kids to mentor. In fact, he was attempting to mentor Trayvon Martin but he was too late: the bad guys mentored him first. And one day he’ll find those other black kids he used to mentor so he can mentor the heck out them!

Here is is showing a disadvantaged black youth how to react when someone tries to mentor you. When you look at this footage your Ameri-pride will become so turgid it will threaten to infarc your myocardium. Bless you, G Zeesus!


Looks like the wool has been pulled off your eyes, friends! By the way he does all of this before lunch that he donates to a homeless and spends the rest of the day in quiet prayer behind the altar of a God church as an example to heathens. Honestly you’re probably not good enough to even hear about this stuff but occasionally human refuse needs a reminder about the saints who walk among you. Rand Paul, I think you’ve found your running mate!