I am pretty terrible at Twitter. I would like to be better at Twitter, but how? Sure I could attend a 4 year program at an accredited university and get my B.A. in Tweeting but I don’t have the time for that. And thanks to Obama, student loan interest rates have doubled. Instead I will look at Favstar’s tweets of the day from time to time to see what makes a smashing tweet! These are Tweets most recently awarded Tweet of the Day by Favstar Pro Members. Imagine this sentence is a joke about what kind of loser it takes to be a Favstar Pro Member.
These tweets were the Tweets of the Day for July 11th, 2013.
10. Food Choices are Difficult!
Him: What do you want to eat? Me: I don’t care H: Italian? M: no H: Mexican? M: no H: Thai? M: no H: WHAT? M: Whatever H: *commits suicide*
— Chaos Theory (@lifecoachfit) July 9, 2013
Here’s a tweet by @lifecoachfit, AKA ‘Chaos Theory’. She is a Personal Trainer, lover of words and a mother of 4. I can’t really relate to that because I hate words. I wish there were no words because words are evil.
This tweet is an adorable story about a couple who can’t decide what to eat. There are so many choices available that nothing sounds good! I’ve been there folks and it’s an unbearable predicament! Sometimes I wish I was in Somalia where I only had two choices, rice or nothing! It would make life so much easier.
This is a terrific tweet because we can all relate. It’s funny because it’s true.
9. Something’s Up With Twitter’s UI!
Some of you guys need to check your retweet button cuz it must be broken..
— Liz ♛ (@lovemyboots111) July 10, 2013
If there are a few things @lovemyboots111 loves it’s boots, comical word spellings, improper punctuation and bad Unicode! The boot-loving community is so strong there are at least 110 other members – enough to qualify for tax-exempt status! Liz’s profile reads, “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: its the courage to continue that counts.” You might think this is meaningless word gazpacho but I say it’s more like a shepherd’s pie of unrelated gerunds.
Liz is one of those people of indeterminate age and weight. Her profile picture tells me she’s 25-45 and fit or overweight. There’s cleavage though. Delving down into her pictures also reveals sun-damaged skin. Who are you, Liz? What’s your game?
Let me answer that last question for you. Her game is awesome tweets! This one is a prime example. She’s letting all of us know about a problem Twitter is having. How does she know? Because her awesome tweets all deserve maximum retweets and it isn’t happening. Get with the program Twitter! Or should I say, “Get with your programmers and make them fix this!”
8. Dirty Sexy Funny!
Today, I woke my husband by straddling him & holding his arms down. He threw me off the bed cause he thought he saw a knife. Whatever.
— Yo, Alexandra! (@hidingfromme) April 17, 2012
@hidingfromme is, according to her profile, ”the fairytale of NY”. She combined the words fairy and tale to save space in case she wants to write more there in the future. But so far she hasn’t done that because she’s too busy making dynamite tweets!
In this one she relates a story featuring her and her husband. If you look at the first tweet in this article, you’ll see that this is a recipe for delicious Favstars! This particular story starts off sexy: she mounts her man and restrains his arms. But then, plot twist, he thinks she has a knife and bodily throws her across the room! But don’t worry cops, you won’t be called in this domestic dispute! As you can see, Alexandra shows her indifference at the end of the story.
All the elements of a fantastic story and yea, a fantastic tweet! Yo, Alexandra, you are a tweeting master!
7. Be Polite
if someone starts talking about politics, dont panic. ask, “how does that make you feel?” thank them for their insight. enjoy your victory.
— Sad Tiger (@SaddestTiger) July 10, 2013
Full disclosure, @SaddestTiger follows me on Twitter. But I don’t follow him. But maybe I should because Favstar is on board the Sad Tiger train so why not me? The answer is I am a terrible person.
This tweet starts out with some advice we won’t take from an unhappy tiger. On first glance it seems like he’s being sincere but if you read exactly what’s in this tweet, he is not! He is telling you how to win an argument! That’s not polite at all, it’s sneaky and underhanded! The element of surprise!
Surprise! I’m not polite! Surprise! This is tweet is actually a joke, not advice! Not suprising? It’s a fabulous tweet!
6. Current Events and Body Fluids
Justin Bieber picks up his bucket of pee and stalks R. Kelly, whispering, “Now, my friend, the hunter has become the hunted.”
— Mr. Anthropy (@Zwolf666) July 11, 2013
Wowee wow wow a wah wah wee wa! This tweet from @Zwolf666 is jam packed! That is if you can imagine that the jam is Twitter greatness!
First of all this guy’s Twitter handle is funny. It contains a capital Z. Why? What does it mean? Funny – that’s what! There’s also a wolf – a bona fide funny animal – and the number of the devil from hell: 666. Funny numbers are big these days! And his alias, “Mr. Anthropy” is a risible play on the word ‘misanthrope’. Well played, you beautiful bastard!
There’s a lot of information in this tweet so let’s get down to business.
A. Celebrities. Pop culture in a tweet is sure to get you the RT’s as they say. This has Justin Beiber and R. Kelly. Those guys are big time important folks. Everyone knows who they are so imagining them in a fantasy scenario is sure to put a smile on your followers faces.
B. Pee. Pee is funny. It comes out of the same place where we have sex. Some people have sex and pee at the same time! That’s ludicrous! And very, very funny.
C. Movie quote. “Now the hunter has become the hunted.” We can all relate to this. It happens every day. But then we remember that this was in the Jean Paul Van Gaultier movie, Hard Target, and the guffaws come fast and ‘hard’, ‘targeting’ our funny bones!
D. Current events. Recently Justin Beiber peed into a bucket. Also fairly recently R. Kelly peed on to an underage girl. What’s the deal with celebrities and pee? Hoo boy!
E. Reversal of fortune! In this tweet fantasy story the tables have turned on R. Kelly as noted underage girl Justin Bieber is on the hunt and he’s going to put some pee on Mr. Kelly. You see, R. Kelly hunted down an underage girl and used his dick as a gun and pee as bullets. I don’t have to tell you that he bagged his prey! He better look out, though because the same exact thing is going to happen to him!
Bravo, Zwolf666. You are a maestro of Twitter.
5. Human Interaction is Bullshit
Damnit. I just had to make small talk with someone at the bus stop. See what happens when I forget my headphones?
— Madeleine (@maddyalulu) May 8, 2013
Madeline is angry and she ain’t afraid to show it! Her bio reads: Coffee, wine, repeat. Neurotic mom to a 12 year old son. 46 yo.
Does Maddy have a car or does she voluntarily take the bus? I don’t know! Is that or her bio germane to the stupendous tweets she makes? No! Am I being sexist by analyzing the bios of just the women on this list! Probably!
Here we have another story. Getting the message yet, FeedBuzz friends? Stories = Favstars. In this story Madeline is at the bus stop. Talking to people at the bus stop makes Madeline break one of the Ten Commandments! This wouldn’t be an issue if she had only remembered to bring her headphones so she could pretend not to hear people talking to her. We’ll overlook that the sin in your heart counts as much as the sin you commit. When she has her headphones she doesn’t need to interact with the gross people who are forced to ride the bus because they’re poor or mentally unstable. She is better than that. She rides the bus for the environment!
Yet we can all relate to this. Talking to people you don’t know hurts our immortal souls. We’ll share your pain, Madeline, you keep sharing your top-shelf tweets!
4. Remember When You Were Physically Unable to Remember?
Was hanging up a shirt when the hanger bounced and hit me in the eye, and immediately it reminded me of being in utero.
— Lou Sputtole (@WeissBrandon) July 11, 2013
Absurdity. Let’s talk about it. Brandon Weiss, AKA Lou Sputthole is a true virtuoso of the absurd. Why look at his name! What’s a sputthole? I have no idea but I know silly when I see it!
In this story (I’m just going to put that in my ‘auto text’) Mr. Sputthole gets socked in the eye by a bouncing hanger. Is the hanger rubber? Is the closet rod rubber? Why is there so much bouncing, Lou? You must live in goof central, my friend! The pain in his eye instantly reminds him of being inside his mommy’s tummy. So this is where your ridiculous life started? First of all the Sputthole family has the incredible ability to form thoughts and memories before their brains are fully developed. Second of all there are hangers in their wombs that hit the Sputthole fetuses in their eyes. Scientists could study these folks, but there’s no need! The conclusion is: These wombs are wacky!
This family knows how to live life to its farcical fullest and how to make some powerhouse tweets.
3. Pets are the Best
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
— Auntie Em (@AskAuntieEm1) January 14, 2013
Yes there are more than one AskAuntieEm’s. I looked it up. People must have a bunch of questions for people named Em who have siblings with kids. And if this Twitter account is any indication, they should because she’s terrific!
Auntie Em likes weed and if you’re gay she’s on your side. But only if you’re over 18, ok? Things might get a little blue. But that’s ok if those fucking tweets are as well crafted as this one!
This has it all: a story, absurdity and pets!
No matter what she does, nothing seems to prevent her pets from coming into the bathroom, trying to help. I know I hate it when Fido tries to hold my dick when I pee or Mr. Fluffy Face dispenses the wrong toothpaste! I thought I was alone, but it turns out I’m not! Auntie Em has crystallized my thoughts right here on Twitter for all to see.
Auntie Em, Auntie Em! You are a wizard of tweets!
2. Pith-ed Off
Courage is just fear that you learn to live with. — NoLuckWanted (@NoLuckWanted) February 7, 2013
No Luck Wanted? Makes sense! You don’t make finely honed tweets such as this if you’re lucky. It takes skill and a lot of hard work!
They say brevity is the soul of wit. They also say that the government is conspiring against white people. I believe both of these things are true.
Here we have an example of the former.
You might think it takes a famous writer or raconteur to form a meaningful bon mot such as this, but you’d be wrong. It takes an anonymous Internet persona. And she’s right!
For example, I have learned to live with the fear that when I go bowling my fingers will get stuck in the ball and they’ll break when I try to let go. Guess that means I’m courageous.
You know what else is courageous? Tweeting beautiful sentences. @NoLuckWanted is a hero. Thank you for being you.
1. Being a Woman has its Advantages
As a woman I reserve the right to get pissed at you over something you did in a dream….my dream, my emotions
— TeresaVanguilder (@tjvanguilder) April 11, 2013
Girl! You are so right! This Texas mother and reader knows what it takes to be a woman in 2013 and she’s going to tell us all about it. And thank goodness! We need to hear this stuff as men and as a society.
And her last name is Vanguilder! Someone who guilds vans. Hopefully with panthers. So right away that’s some genuine badassery. Then she makes tweets and that badassery gets squared!
In lantern-jawed auteur Quentin Tarrantino’s epic masterpiece, Reservoir Dogs, Mr White says, “If you shoot me in a dream you better wake up and apologize!” We all had a chuckle at this but it left me kind of empty. How could you make the same joke but add gender roles to it, and make your anger at an innocent person that person’s fault?
It’s right there.
Men, you don’t understand women and you should be put in the dog house for things you didn’t do because you probably did some stuff your lady didn’t find out about!
One thing I do understand is Teresa is a wordsmith and a van guilder and she belongs in the king house (house where the king lives with gold).
And that’s why she is the best Twitter user on 7/11/2013!
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