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Seven Things You Can Blow Up Instead of Fireworks This 4th of July

Fireworks are dangerous. And they’re yesterday’s news. Here are seven alternatives to the traditional (boring) sparklers and Roman Candles.

7. Your Boo’s cellphone

Tell your boo you love them over and over again. This is also a good opportunity to test yourself to see how fast you can text. If you’re feeling the horn, you can try a new thing called ‘sexting’ where you text messages to each other about sexy things. Some cellular phones even have a feature where you can send sexy pictures. Try one of a dining room with the lights dimmed and the table set for a candlelit dinner. Or take one of a ‘Nancy Pelosi’ which is when you hide your dick in a sandwich.

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6. Your Mind

Have you even listened to the Joe Rogan Podcast? I’m not even going to talk to you until you open your mind and listen to top medical expert Joe Rogan expound on the latest mind-expanding herbal nootropic supplements. You can go through life with a flaccid noodle or you can get a throbbing brain-on in an isolation chamber. It’s not just science, it’s sciencesque!

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5. A Kiddie Pool

Maybe you’re 32 and still in the same low-level accounting position you started five years ago. That doesn’t mean you can’t be hip! Growing a beard no longer means you are a sloven – it means you are a with-it and happening guy! This year, mosey your beard on down to WalMart and buy an inflatable kiddie pool. Get a few cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon and make an invite on Facebook! You’re sure to be the bear of the ball and maybe you’ll get some hand action from that lady down the street with 8 cats and a beehive (the bee kind and the hair kind).

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4. A Sexual Novelty Doll For Sex Purposes

So maybe the kiddie pool didn’t work on the ladies. Maybe you sat by yourself in the pool drinking an entire case of Pabst and getting a severe sun burn. It doesn’t mean there’s no fun to be had! Snap open a sexual novelty doll for some instant sex purposes. You can use them and throw them away which in a perfect world would be what you could do to a real woman. But you can’t and that’s a bad thing to do according to Obama’s America. One piece of advice: don’t use that WD40 for lube. Trust me.

3. The Outside World

Blow Up the Outside World by Cornell West of the Canadian supergroup Soundgarden is a song about wanting to be left alone. The good news is that because your hobbies are overclocking your computer, anime and video games the outside world is already leaving you alone so this one is easy!

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2. Blowup – by Michelangelo Antonioni

I’m not even going to describe this because neither do you know about classic cinema nor do you appreciate the genius of Antonioni. Maybe if I put this film in a Taco Bell Gordita Crunch Taco you’d take an interest? Doubt it.

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1. All This Goddamned Cocaine

Happy Independence Day!

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