2014 will be a great year because it will be twice as good as 1007. In 1007 Mt. Vesuvius erupted and it snowed in Iraq. Other than that fuck all happened. I guarantee at least twice as many things will happen in 2014. In fact, if less than 4 things happen in 2014, I will give everyone a Bitcoin or a decent handjob. It’s your choice but I feel the need to tell you that I use a series of lotions and emollients on my hands every day. They’re very soft, but strong.
I’m ‘bucking the trend’ (idiom: having sex with or around) of writing a year-in-review article. Instead I present to you an article that isn’t that. In this article are things that will be new and cool in 2014.
1. In-Game Slacktivism
Giving a shit takes a lot of energy and you really don’t want to waste joules that could be better spent trolling the hapless social media wage slaves in charge of major corporations’ Twitter accounts. If only you could send a dollar to Darfur or or a Bitcoin to Benghazi! Well now you can. Bill Gates and Alexander Playstation have pledged to allow you to make a charitable donation to many causes along side your in-game purchases of digital guns or a healing potions or some shit. I don’t know a lot about that stuff. But it’s happening. It’ll also auto-Tweet or Tumblr your donation amount. Smuggery was never so easy!
2. Peak IPA
IPAs are beers that taste like potpourri. These are consumed by people so insufferable that despite having disposable income they choose to identify with destitute, bearded hipsters. Currently there are about 400 thousand (50 hectares) varieties of IPAs on the market. There are so many that some bars will have nothing but IPAs on tap in the summer months. This makes me want to wrap my fists in spring bouquets and punch bar patrons directly in the face or ass which they’d probably enjoy since they’d get their sweet fix of flowery flavors. There are taste buds on your ass. Look it up. But it turns out my anger may be as premature as my ejaculation. A scientist guy wearing a scientist coat told me that they’ve run out of IPA ideas so hip and cool people are ready to jump ship to the next thing which might be porters or something. Now that I think about it he might have been a butcher.
3. Autism Vaccine
This is happening and someone in Cincinnati’s head is going to explode.
4. Leave Your Kid at Work Day
This will be every day. In Obama’s America the sweet, sweet stream of trickling down of wealth has dried up once and for all. We Libertarians will push Congress to embiggen American Freedom by revoking child labor laws. Finally, your children will have their right to work returned to them. Now they can serve as chimney sweeps and car wash attendants as nature intended. Also they can join the Army.
5. Sex App for Having Sex and it Tells You Who is Around So the Two of You Can Have Sex
This is the joke on the list. Sex is a myth – especially for you.
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