The 5 People You Meet In Hell

5. Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900)

Wow, now here’s a guy who deserves the punishment of a God he so despised. Hey Nietzsche, if God is dead, maybe that’s why he’s up there in Heaven, DOOFUS. Too bad the same logic doesn’t apply to you! (because you are in Hell. (“you” being Nietzsche here, folks)).

First off, Nietzsche called for a fundamental “revaluation of all values,” in effect commanding the sickly devotees of slave morality to take the hindmost, while extremely powerful, amoral men step forward to dominate the Earth. You think that load of B.S. is gonna fly here in America, bud?? There’s a reason why George W. Bush is on the record as saying his favorite philosopher is Jesus Christ, NOT Nietzsche.

We don’t need some highfalutin ivory-tower German hermit to tell us that Wagner’s music sucks or portend the rise of nihilism! We listen to good ol’ Nine Inch Nails and Nirvana in this country.

If you meet Nietzsche in Hell, tell him to stop bragging about the damn “Zarathustra” book. Then see if he responds to that at all, because he was already insane when he died, and I don’t know how it works, like if he still has no control over his mental faculties or if it’s like after Darth Vader died and they gave him the ghost form in which he was restored to his optimal condition? Idk, pretty confusing stuff.


4. Charles Darwin (1809-1882)

The founder of the evil “scientific” theory of evolution, Chuck D lives on in infamy as a dead albatross slung around the neck of righteous creationists who to this day are working to refute his anti-God hypotheses (Google “Sam Coleridge poem dead albatross metaphor” if you didn’t get that allusion, folks).

The movement to teach Intelligent Design and Creationism in public schools is gaining traction in the more enlightened districts of Texas and elsewhere, but there’s much work still to be done before “Evolution” is relegated to where it belongs: in the ashtray of history.


3. Cerberus (? – extant?)


OK, so technically this one is “cheating” a bit because it’s literally the functional occupation of this infernal hound to guard the Gates of Hell. Like, No DUH he’s gonna be there! LoOoL.

Anyway, this is no K9-5 job he’s got, folks! (pun on “canine” that I filched from an old Animal Planet show in that last sentence) Cerberus is on watch 24/7, so every day he’s working the “graveyard shift” (pun because people in Hell are dead).

This three-headed monster dog is installed as a deterrent to anyone who wants to escape from the realm of Hades. Imagine the mean junkyard dog from the Bad Bad Leroy Brown song on steroids!! Now imagine that same dog in Hell, with 2 extra heads, gradually rehabilitating from steroid abuse – and you’ve basically got Cerberus.

Cerberus is kind of like a big scary Rottweiler that the police might shoot at if it belonged to a minority and ran up to a cop except it has THREE heads and a mane of SERPENTS. That’s right: 3 heads, bitches. So hey, if I really wanted to cheat, I could say Cerberus was three of the top five people you meet in Hell! But I’m already cheating badly enough since Cerberus isn’t even technically a person. He’s just a doggone dog!


2. Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Bet you wish you could write some “Letters from the Earth” now, huh Sam Clemmons? (Oh wait, You can’t because they’re all postmarked from Hell).

This traitor to the Confederacy believed that slavery was immoral, and he actually had the gall to portray black slaves (such as Jim in “Huckleberry Finn”) as affable, comically-ignorant caricatures instead of towing the line and representing them as base, servile, and sub-human comically-ignorant caricatures.

He gets a pass for still frequently calling them the N-word, but in a recent edition of his book even this sole redeeming glint of our ultra-racist past has been bowdlerized by lily-livered liberals who don’t want their precious little feelings hurt.

Hey libtards, ever heard of a little thing called the 1st Amendment? It means I can go around calling everyone I want the N-word or yelling fire in a crowded theater or publishing bestiality on my Geocities website or photoshopping some execrable memes of the president being assassinated. Does that OFFEND you? Too Bad!


1. Jesus Christ (7–2 BC to 30–33 AD)

This insane religious zealot from the Middle East (you know the type…) literally believed he was “the son of God” and founded a radical offshoot of Judaism called “Christianity.”

He slandered the job-creators of his day by teaching that “it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of Heaven.”

Yeah, probably because while all those lazy, entitled camels were sitting around feeling sorry for themselves saying “I’ll never be able to fit through that needle eye,” a small business owner pulled himself up by his sandal-thongs and said “maybe if you camels would stop sulking and go get jobs transporting goods for King Herod, I wouldn’t get taxed so much to subsidize your lavish camel welfare state!”

What’s that? They didn’t have TANF or Medicaid for camels in biblical-era Galilee? Well maybe the scribes and Pharisees were doing something right, then.

Think about it.

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