Exclusive · Uncategorized

The 6 Spiciest Phrases for Manufacturing an Personality on Twitter.com

Exploitation, destruction, and mockery of the meek is this summer’s fetchest meme in the Valley—Silicon Valley that is! But just because you’re reëvaluating everything you loved about yourself (and humanity) doesn’t mean you have to wind up an accessory¹! Curate and project a personality with an SPF² on your lips and these hot tips:

1. Opinions here are mine alone and do not reflect those of my employer

This is le gem (source: reddit.com). Throw this bad boy in your twitter bio (don’t forget to follow FeedBuzz!) and set yourself up for infallible success. Not only do you let everyone know “Hey, I have a job!” but you set the precedence that you’ll have opinions which, of course, you will not. Opinions = vulnerability.

2. Mind = blown

How do you fill the cold dead of space with hot air if you can’t say anything? Let others say it for you! But don’t reach for that retweet button just yet—add this fun phrase and slap an RT (or MT for the pros) to keep track of your fav and retweet metrics. Validation found within is the myspace of life strategies—so 2005.

3. That happened

Your coworkers are your best friends and everyone should know it. Keep your followers posted on their every banal action using this phrase to throw their relevancy detectors for a spin. Donuts in the office? More like doWHATs?!!!!

4. Literally me

The number of Liz Lemon GIFs out there is literally immeasurable. Keep it that way by associating yourself with likable but attractive buffoons and burying the image in an unrecognizable URL to pique their interest. Slapping these two words on keeps it All About You. (Pro tip: let this phrase do double duty the next time someone makes a great self-deprecating joke you’d wish you’d made. Don’t forget to manually RT!)

5. No words

What do you say when your mind doesn’t quite equals blown but it also didn’t that happened? You have no words. No words to describe it. They should have sent a poet. But they didn’t. They sent you and you’re not good enough.

6. This 

Sometimes “no words” is too many words. Good for you for making that wall so thick it’s a cube. Put this on that or any of your friends’ tweets to take this this act to that next level while that thick wall becomes this this that you wish that it’d never get to. Good luck with that impenetrable anxiety!


¹like a snap bracelet remember those I do hey quick question what happens when I turn 33 and this site stops catering to me and I have nothing am I just alone with my suspended adolescence and memories of the way things were when I had my future in front of me and the confidence to act on my ambitions or

²Silicon Personality Front—more like silly-con!