The 7 Worst Things on My Desk at Work

Hi, I’m Fright Shark, but you might know me from my self-help book “How to Deliver Quality Content All of the Time.” I work at a job where I am at a desk for most of my life and I have to say, there are a lot of pretty bad things on it. I am forced to deal with these things all day every day, mostly because I don’t feel like moving my arms away from this keyboard to pick up any other objects in the world, so I thought instead I would take you on a journey and explore all of the stupid idiot things on my desk at work.

7. Broken Rubber Band

The rubber band is a very useful tool in both the office and in everyday life. This rubber band, however, has been broken and therefore does not serve its primary purpose. While a rubber band should be in a flexible circular shape, this rubber band is simply a line; a disappointing fragment of what its smarter and more capable brethren should be.

I couldn’t even bind together a group of objects with this rubber band, at least not without hassle. Sure, some naysayers may argue that the rubber band could simply be wrapped around the desired object then tied in a knot, but is that what we are meant to do? Should we just bow our heads and concede power to these broken tools so easily. I say no, and so should you.

6. Screwdrivers

Why are these screwdrivers on my desk? There aren’t any things in my immediate vicinity that I would need to drive a screw into. I even have an electric screwdriver; why? It seems like a wasteful thing to have if I won’t be using them. Somewhere out there a carpenter is sobbing and shedding tears of defeat because he does not have a screwdriver, yet here I am neglecting it like my ex-girlfriend neglected me emotionally.

There’s even a screwdriver missing from this set of six screwdrivers. For shame, screwdrivers, for shame.

5. Wallet

A totally useless wallet. It appears to be made of some material that is expensive, or at least fancy, but when you touch it that possibility goes out the window. It has plenty of slots to carry various cards and identification, but why? What is even the point? I haven’t been able to figure that one out yet and I’ve been studying it for three weeks now.

Upon further inspection, there isn’t even any money in this wallet. There is a lot of folded up paper, however, leading me to believe the owner is very lazy and irresponsible. If I was using a rating system this wallet would receive one holiday-themed surfboard out of five. Real “LOL” of a “FAIL” there if you ask me.

4. Stacks of DVDs

Totally pointless stack of DVDs, and they aren’t even mine. Who put them here? Do you feel a breeze?

3. Packing Tape

I have never used this packing tape, not even once. Deplorable, totally not worth my time or desk space.

2. Two Pennies

What is this, 1954? Step up your currency game, desk. Two pennies might as well not even exist. Hell, two pennies couldn’t even pay a fraction of my debt. I’m actually in a massive heap of debt and I’m sad all of the time because of it.

1. Horrible Vitamin Water

“Purell Instant Hand Sanitizer” is the worst vitamin water I’ve ever had. I’ve been drinking this water for a month now and I don’t understand it. The cap makes no sense and renders it almost undrinkable, utilizing a pump mechanism to get the awful liquid in to my mouth, which is already in a state of discomfort due to the fact that I have to lie on my back in the middle of my office just to drink it. On top of that, it just tastes terrible. I don’t know who gave me this as a gift and I also don’t remember much of the last few weeks but I hope I never have to drink another bottle again. Absolutely disgusting.

If you know of anything on my desk that is even worse than these things, feel free to let me know. Also, if you’ve seen my desk, please don’t tell my boss about my Twitter or I will definitely get fired.


Fright Shark is a creature born on the internet who occasionally writes jokes. He works in Washington, DC, and likes to drive his car that has a sunroof. He often brags about how long it’s been since he’s touched a female and has been known to make videos on Snapchat. His dad is not proud of him.

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