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The Evolution of the American Epic and Our Top Five Favs

by @hauntedmiracle

Well, citizens, it’s that time again. The boys are all lined up and ready to do some old fashioned politicking, and it’s our duty to probe and prod the warm doughy bodies of these presidential hopefuls and choose the best in show. Which of these fine young men and women have what it takes to lead these great United States? That, my fellow Americans, is for you to decide. We all have our favorites. Hell, I know I’ve got mine. I keep a poster of him hanging on my bathroom mirror to kiss each and every morning. Who is it? I’m not one to kiss and tell. But let’s not forget what this race is really about. We are all trying to find our one true American Hero. We hunger for the good times when Rough Riding Teddy Roosevelt was in office. Knowing that a powerful American Hero was enveloping our great nation in his strong arms filled us with confidence that has long since evaporated and left us shriveled and weak. Our frail little limbs snap like twigs as we raise our fists skyward and scream for justice against the wicked demon sent down by Allah to dissolve our once great nation with his venomous spittle. We’ve become twisted and perverse, and so have the legends we craft about our political heroes. The big sticks and cherry trees of the past are now replaced with butt plugs and homosexual lust, and let me tell you, I couldn’t be happier.

Who among you can honestly say that you are satisfied after watching the debates? Those quivering hairdos and tension so thick that you can’t help but wonder how any of them are able to breathe. These debates ignite the same flames our ancestors felt burning in their hearts when they watched the gladiators fight wild beasts in the arena. Our loins ache as we tune in to watch the boys go at it and hope that one of them will finally give into their bestial urge to rip the other candidates apart and smear the blood all over his rippling muscles as he lets out a guttural hoot or holler. Well, fear not, friends; you are not alone. There are hundreds of others just like you and I who yearn for the epic tales of old and have decided to take matters into their own hands and dream up stories that will surely be passed down for generations. I’ve compiled a list of my favorite modern tall tales featuring our future legends. Sit back, unzip, and enjoy this showcase of modern American epics.

Inside Hillary Clinton

“I was stunned for the second time in as many days. Hillary was wearing a pretty demure one-piece suit, but it didn’t hide much. She was gorgeous! All those stuffy business suits had disguised a killer body.”

Who wouldn’t want to spend a hot night getting a little wild with their favorite candidate? In this particular tale, our hero John’s dreams are finally coming true as he lands his dream job as the campaign manager for Hillary Clinton herself. But it’s not enough. John wants more, and he’s finding it harder to contain his lust as he gets to know the future Commander in Chief. Not only is she the perfect candidate, but she’s got a killer body to boot! A story of desire for power, sex, and the American dream. This is a tale destined to become an American classic that will be told for years to come.



Gun Control: An Erotic Political Fanfiction

“Rick was confused. What was this that he was feeling? It was…pleasure. Yes, Rick began to realize he was enjoying himself. Yes! Yes! The pain was exquisite; this was the most pleasurable sexual experience he had ever had.”

Gun control. Is there a hotter topic in the mouths of Americans than this issue? That is debatable, but one thing that is surely scorching is this tale of forbidden love between Republican Candidate Rick Santorum and Democrat Elizabeth Warren. Rick is faced with a challenge that could change the very constitution our great nation is based on, and it is no small task. The tension is building, but Warren knows just what Santorum needs to calm his nerves. A purple strap-on dildo.



Here’s the Jerry Jones/Chris Christie Fan Fiction You’ve Been Praying Nobody Would Write

“He touches my hand, and I’m flooded with sensory pleasure. His scent overtakes me, that unimprovable concoction of sweat and cologne permeating his formless red sweater, returning me to every memory of New Jersey I can gather from even the most obscure and distant recesses of my mind. His stare penetrates me, its boyish smirk balancing its powerful fullness, like a handsome, hedonistic Roman emperor.”

Where do I even begin with this one? It has it all. Sports, sex, and a hint of mystery. Anyone who knows anything about Jerry Jones and Chris Christie can tell that there’s a little something special going on between these two, and this piece delves into what might happen if they were to finally let their emotions take control. I must warn you that this one ends with a cliffhanger, but it delivers just as much fuel to the babymaker as any other. Just imagining these two behemoths going at it in the sack is more than enough to get anyone with the smallest glimmer of a libido going all night long.



Men and Women

“A woman enjoys intercourse with her man — as she fantasizes being raped by 3 men simultaneously.”

Few legends are ever told from the point of view of the heroes themselves, but this is not the case with this classic yarn spun by the big man himself. That’s right, folks. These days it is rare to find a presidential candidate worthy of claiming the title of “Wordsmith”, but this is a badge Senator Bernie Sanders wears with pride. Yes, citizens, I’m talking about the 1972 American erotica classic “Men and Women”. In this piece Sanders delves deep into the human psyche and examines what makes us tick, and since we are sexual beings, things get a little explicit in this hot little number. Rape fantasies? Yes please! Bernie knows how to keep the home fires burning without letting them consume the whole house. Hot enough to make the sweat drip down onto your lover as they caress your throbbing genitalia to completion.



John Mayer and Donald Trump

“The Donald loves a good ball licking.”

Donald Trump running for president. It was inevitable. Ever since this fire-headed heartthrob hit the scene, we all knew he would rise to the top some day. He’s a model for the American dream. A marble statue slathered with apple pie. How could anyone not want to imagine this homegrown hero fogging up the windows with one of the greatest musicians of our time? However, I must provide a warning. Our hero Trump meets with a tragic end in this particular tale. It is not for the Trump fan that is faint of heart. Luckily for the blessed citizens of America, Future President Trump is far more powerful than his fictional counterpart, and I have no doubt that a similar sexual situation would leave The Real Donald Trump satisfied and eager for his next encounter.


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