By Vince Eckert
Everybody knows that the best way to transmit useful information is with an
aphorism. But sometimes you need someone else to extract that information for
you. Don’t worry, your old pal Vince is here to help you out.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away -Anonymous
Boy does it. The fact is apples make you healthier & doctors HATE them. Nurses on
the other hand can live entirely on apples. Eat as many as you can before they find
I couldn’t wait for success, so I went ahead without it –Jonathan Winters
You will never succeed & that’s a fact. You just have to get up every day and
continue on with your bullshit life no matter what happens. You think that novel
you’re writing is going to be a big hit? Not so friend. Even if it gets published, no one
will read it.
Think you’ll get that big promotion at work? Absolutely not, you’re fired.
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, & wise. – Ben Franklin
Ben Franklin was a drunk and according to some historians would leak state secrets
to any woman who’d talk to him at the bar. What the hell did he know about life?
Dude wanted the national bird to be a turkey. Fuck Ben Franklin, he was colonial
A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies –Oscar Wilde
I’ve spent most of my life compiling a master list of people that I either hate or
strongly dislike. Virtually everyone I’ve ever met is on it. Do you want off? Please
paypal $20 to firstname.lastname@example.org . Beware: anybody sending spam e-mail to
that address will be immediately placed on the list, which will appear as yet another
I got a simple rule about everybody. If you don’t treat me right, shame on you. –
Sometimes I like to put on “What A Wonderful World” & close my eyes, imagining
the beautiful place Armstrong sings about, the one so distant from my day-to-day
life. Mr. Armstrong is dead, though, and sometimes that creeps me out. There I am,
communing with the spirit of a dead man, one whose life exists only so far as his
recorded output. What would he think about me? Would he write a song about it?
We’ll never know.
Art is the lie that makes us realize the truth – Pablo Picasso
A great artist said that lying is okay. It’s right there, above this sentence. Use that to
your advantage, stupid.
What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously.
But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible
disease of loneliness can be cured. – Kurt Vonnegut
You’ve gotten to the bottom of a jokey piece in which nothing seems entirely true
or real or honest, the prize for which is being subjected to some real talk. The
great thing about feedbuzz & twitter & the internet generally is that it flattens
space & makes the void less terrible. Instead of being stuck in the less than ideal
circumstances that inevitably surround you can connect with other people whose
work or sensibility you like or admire.
You can share what it’s like to feel cold rain, or be burned, or have contempt for a
politician, what’s missing in life now as opposed to ten years ago, what you ate for
dinner, what a rapper would do faced with a goofy situation, who you hate, who’s
fake, that your body might burst with a feeling, with gas, with your trademark style
or somebody else’s, with terrible irony if you must, with a friend or an enemy.
You can share the burden of living, which , if you do it right, can spare you from
being crushed by it before your body wears out.
That’s pretty fucking useful.