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The top seven most useful aphorisms

By Vince Eckert

Everybody knows that the best way to transmit useful information is with an

aphorism. But sometimes you need someone else to extract that information for

you. Don’t worry, your old pal Vince is here to help you out.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away -Anonymous

Boy does it. The fact is apples make you healthier & doctors HATE them. Nurses on

the other hand can live entirely on apples. Eat as many as you can before they find

your stash.

I couldn’t wait for success, so I went ahead without it –Jonathan Winters

You will never succeed & that’s a fact. You just have to get up every day and

continue on with your bullshit life no matter what happens. You think that novel

you’re writing is going to be a big hit? Not so friend. Even if it gets published, no one

will read it.

Think you’ll get that big promotion at work? Absolutely not, you’re fired.

Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, & wise. – Ben Franklin

Ben Franklin was a drunk and according to some historians would leak state secrets

to any woman who’d talk to him at the bar. What the hell did he know about life?

Dude wanted the national bird to be a turkey. Fuck Ben Franklin, he was colonial

America’s mattytalks.

A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies –Oscar Wilde

I’ve spent most of my life compiling a master list of people that I either hate or

strongly dislike. Virtually everyone I’ve ever met is on it. Do you want off? Please

paypal $20 to vince.eckert@gmail.com . Beware: anybody sending spam e-mail to

that address will be immediately placed on the list, which will appear as yet another

Feedbuzz article.

I got a simple rule about everybody. If you don’t treat me right, shame on you. –

Louis Armstrong

Sometimes I like to put on “What A Wonderful World” & close my eyes, imagining

the beautiful place Armstrong sings about, the one so distant from my day-to-day

life. Mr. Armstrong is dead, though, and sometimes that creeps me out. There I am,

communing with the spirit of a dead man, one whose life exists only so far as his

recorded output. What would he think about me? Would he write a song about it?

We’ll never know.

Art is the lie that makes us realize the truth – Pablo Picasso

A great artist said that lying is okay. It’s right there, above this sentence. Use that to

your advantage, stupid.

What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously.

But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible

disease of loneliness can be cured. – Kurt Vonnegut

You’ve gotten to the bottom of a jokey piece in which nothing seems entirely true

or real or honest, the prize for which is being subjected to some real talk. The

great thing about feedbuzz & twitter & the internet generally is that it flattens

space & makes the void less terrible. Instead of being stuck in the less than ideal

circumstances that inevitably surround you can connect with other people whose

work or sensibility you like or admire.

You can share what it’s like to feel cold rain, or be burned, or have contempt for a

politician, what’s missing in life now as opposed to ten years ago, what you ate for

dinner, what a rapper would do faced with a goofy situation, who you hate, who’s

fake, that your body might burst with a feeling, with gas, with your trademark style

or somebody else’s, with terrible irony if you must, with a friend or an enemy.

You can share the burden of living, which , if you do it right, can spare you from

being crushed by it before your body wears out.

That’s pretty fucking useful.