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Three Celebs the LOL-Industrial Complex is Praying Will Die

As you are all probably aware, it is no longer strictly true that ten years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Bob Hope died on July 27, 2003, more than ten years ago. They say that heroes die once but cowards die a thousand deaths; now we must add that memes, willing or not, die twice.

Bob Hope’s second passing was inevitable, as will be those of Jobs and Cash. Indeed, it is already more than ten years since Big Pun died, whose death would have been a great source of social content if the Networks had existed and our target demo wasn’t middle-aged white dumbshits and their teenspawn. Please, Frank, get off your high horse. I’m using dumbshit in the technical sense from DSM-VII. While it would be illegal to kill any American citizen who had not been found accused of terrorism in a court of law, there’s no harm in praying to the elder gods that they might hasten the demise of these nostalgically/humorously named celebs.

Frank Ocean – We all miss the ocean. There is a sizeable reserve of photographs commemorating its former beautiful, and 3d artists have allowed us to continue representing it as a place of emotional intensity in popular media. People will understand the loss of the ocean when Frank Ocean passes and we can use that part of his name in a shareable image.

Eddie Money – He’s not dead already? Oh, ok. Great. Money created a useful token system that allowed individuals to negotiate even when they did not personally possess the goods desired by the other. People loved it when they had the capacity to engage in direct economic activity with each other. Well, OK, maybe that’s not true. I say that because polls today show people “strongly dislike” that they have to buy and sell all goods from/to Our Fave Corporation. Who knows if they mean it.

Courtney Love – This one is going to do gangbusters. The irony here is that Courtney Love is not a beloved figure, nor has she personally displayed love in the conventional, correct way. And yet love, the thing, was an undeniably good thing. That disjunction between the public’s perception of Love and love will evoke the unnameable feelings that only shopping can appease. A win/win for us and for the consumer.

OK, that’s it. Go think of more things very similar to these and email them to me. And for the love of God, don’t share them with people who don’t work here. Sharing is for the bozos out there.