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Top 10 Ways I Know I am a Businessman

I am a businessman. Here are some ways that I know this.

1. The Classic Corby Trouser Press from Hammacher Schlemmer:

This is the trouser press made in England by John Corby, Ltd., inventor of the original pants presser and supplier of fine hotels. The 250-watt heating pad quickly removes wrinkles and sharpens creases in both pant legs at once. Unlike repeated ironing, the trouser press will not impart a surface sheen on garments and the built-in thermostatic control prevents scorched fabrics. Look at this shit, Johnson. You could have something like this if you didn’t dick around in the break room chatting up the intern. She’s 20. I know she has thick legs but there’s no way you have a chance with her. That idiot soul-patch doesn’t give you ‘swag’ – it makes your face look like an 80s Playboy vagina. You make me sick.

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2. Lunch Delivery:

See this, Johnson? It’s ‘Heirloom Ravioli’ from Seattle Sutton. I get this shit delivered to my office every goddamned day. Frees up my wife to get botox or new tits or whatever the hell she’s doing these days. It means I can eat at my desk and get more business done. Remember last week when you interrupted my lunch to tell me the printer was down as if that was my problem? If that happens again I’ll downsize you from life you worm!

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3. My Paycheck:

Here’s a picture of me bringing home my paycheck. I take this directly to my broker. My portfolio consists of gold, pork futures and tranched derivatives. Yes, I know how much you get paid. It’s a joke. I laugh about it so much I cry into my monogrammed silk handkerchiefs. The ones that cost more than your paycheck.

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4. Mahogany and Brass:

I see you’re eying the clock on my desk wondering when I’m going to be done with you. I hope you notice that it’s mahogany and brass. Look around you. I am virtually cocooned in exotic wood and brass. When other businessmen come into my office I want them to know I’m an executive and there’s no better way to make a first impression, you clock-watching clod. You know who doesn’t watch clocks, Johnson? Mills – the IT guy. He has a learning disability. I don’t call him into my office because he doesn’t have a sense of personal hygiene. But he doesn’t watch the clock and he sure as shit doesn’t whine to HR about ‘hostile work environments’ like some people I know. I’m referring to you, Johnson.

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5. Boats:

Sacrifice. If you want to be a businessman you have to learn to sacrifice. I get seasick, Johnson. I don’t like being on the water. I like being on land. But you know what I like more than being on the land? Success. That’s why I spend my weekends on boats, loaded up on anti-emetics, drinking whatever high-dollar swill they hand me, mapping out the success of this company with our business partners. Have you even seen a yacht in person, Johnson? Probably not. I imagine it’s because you spend your weekends moonlighting at the Whole Foods ‘for the discount’. Feeding your family is important, Johnson but success is even more important. Shouldn’t have had those kids if you wanted to be successful. Now those kids of yours are getting a public-school education so they can grow up to be wage-slaves just like daddy.

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6. Dicker and Dicker of Beverly Hills:

The finer things in life, Johnson. That’s why I do this. Unlike you, I am able to provide for my family with one career. I know the produce counter is a viable and burgeoning field but maybe you should focus on your sales numbers here instead. I give my wife fine jewelry and furs. Furs from Dicker and Dicker of Beverly Hills. It’s the personal touch they give that makes them the top furrier in California. On special occasions I send my wife there and they make sure she has the latest in luxurious and resplendent dead animals. Not only do they look great on her, they are part of the reason she ‘looks the other way’ when I nail the au pair.

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7. Hormone Replacement

Anti-aging is the future, Johnson. For years we’ve been loading up our women with estrogen when their ovaries dry up. Now it’s our turn. Are you listening to me? Maybe you should take some of that lucrative salad jockey money and invest in Solvay Pharma – makers of Androgel. My personal physician has prescribed both testosterone and HGH supplementation. Makes my workouts in the executive gym that much more productive. Yes, we have an executive gym. It’s on the 5th floor. You know, the one your ID badge won’t let you access? I have the body of a 22-year-old lacrosse player. You think your pot-belly and plantar fasciitis would help you bang a hot Starwood Luxury Hotels concierge? They would not. Androgel would. Executive service indeed.

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8. The Audi R8

A few years ago Walter de’Silva stepped into his design studio and when he emerged he had created automotive perfection. The Audi R8. This is my ‘fun’ car, Johnson. What do you do for fun? Oh that’s right you take vacation days for your hellspawn’s kindergarten dance recital. Must be a blast. That’s why I send my children to exclusive boarding schools and hire people to care for them during the summer. So I don’t have to look at them. They exist only to carry on the tradition of success and wealth. What I enjoy is carbon fiber and leather. Especially at 150 miles-per-hour. I know it’s not a dented 2002 Toyota Camry like yours, but I guess I’ll have to make due.

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9. I Look Like a Businessman

Stop looking at your PayLess penny-loafers, Johnson and look at me. This is what financial domination looks like. This is the face of a man who charters jets and sits in luxury boxes. All of my tailored clothes are laundered and dry-cleaned by a Chinese man. I don’t remember his name. It doesn’t matter. He is insignificant – much like you, Johnson. The difference is that he provides a service and then goes the fuck away. He doesn’t whine about the coffee service being discontinued.

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10. Get Out of My Office

I called you in here to talk about the memo I received from HR. It says that you are concerned that you are making below market value for your current position. Of course you are. You are infinitely replaceable. A cog in the machine. You are free to find other employment if you find our compensation package unacceptable. No, really – you are free now. Your job has been off-shored to Pakistan. Pakistan is the new India. Industrious folks there. They know the meaning of the word ‘sacrifice’. Maybe that’s why so many of them are terrorists, but who cares? It’s a good trait to possess. I can pay them half of what I pay you and their children will academically devastate yours. So that’s what I’m doing. Don’t cry, Johnson – it’s womanly. Security will escort you out.

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