Top 11 Veiniest Peens in the Bizz

I bet you’re wondering who’s got the veiniest peens in hollywood. Who’s got those big, gristly rods all the ladies– and fellas– are dying for. Who’s got the gnarliest manroots that send tight holes running for the proverbial hills? Who’s got the most coruscated, crenellated man-hammers around? Well I’ve done some research. Some deep diggin. I’ve talked with groupies, prostitutes, rent boys, madams, monsieurs, priests & paupers, I’ve talked to Emma Stone & Cyndi Lauper. I’ve polled Paula Poundstone re: poles. I’ve questioned Queen Liz, interrogated Ira Glass, and harassed Harrison Bergeron. And I’ve come up with the definitive list of the Eleven. Veinest. Knobbiest. Twistiest. Fricked Up pieces of manflesh




11. “The Beek”

James Van Der Beek – by all accounts JVDB, a.k.a. “The Beek,” has got one of the most rough & rugged pieces of lumber in the jungle. Maybe it’s his dutch heritage or his years trawlin’ the filthy bottoms of Dawson’s creek, but the Beek’s meat is jacked up to no end. His rod is described as mad veiny, “looks like he has a dozen worms fighting over gooseberries under his skin,” apparently his head looks chafed & chapped. One lover went so far as to say “Dude’s dick is plain & simply jacked. Thefuck. Up.” Well you heard it from me: James Van Der’s beak is a f*cked up FREAK!

10. “Purple Hayes”

Sean Hayes – Seanny looks smooth & clean but apparently this dude’s dong is mad messed up. One sex partner described it as resembling “shredded ricotta cheese draped over a mushed up twinky.” A former roommate describes it as “Freddy Krueger’s ugly little lump of afterbirth of a cock.” Debra Messing said “Sean has a fucking ugly horrific cock. Dude’s shaft is so veiny he could make me cum 6 ways from Sunday.” She never divulged if they actually sealed the deal. She’s a real pro, that “Grace.”

9. “Anchovy Special”

“Papa” John Schnatter – OK he’s not an actor & he ain’t that famous but motherfucker is on TV, so he counts. By all accounts, according to the 69+ prostitutes, hookers, & sex workers I spoke too, the dude has one seriously mutilated pizza pie. Warts, scabs, nodes, cysts– you name it, this dude’s dick is “CRUST”y. Most of the sex workers with whom I spoke made this dude wear not only a condom but latex biker shorts. “It looked like he spilled a jar of Prego on his lap & just never cleaned it up,” one lady said. DUde take care of your goddamn dick Papa John.

8. “Kornukopia”

Tony “Kornhusker” Kornheiser has a real jacked up rod. This dude’s dick is just majorly veiny & gross. He needs to exfoliate. Chapped, dry, flaky, dandruff dick. I don’t know if he oversoaps it in the shower or what, but his dick is a dreadful mess. It’s always a “White Crhistmas” in Tony’s boxer briefs.

*Also, this isn’t supposed to be about balls, but his balls are so low & wrinkly & veiny & gross. Man. And he likes when you lick em. Ew. Ew. Just, no.

7. “Boo-no”

Bruce Willis — I’ll let my man Dildo Hitler cover this one.

6. “Shame’s Wood”

James Woods has the gnarliest dick in the woods. It’s virtually like his own gnarly scarred scowling face on the tip of a 6 inch twisted version of himself. Gnarly, veiny, chapped & tan gross shredded tank-top wearing dick that looks like some vestige of Cronenberg- makeup left over from Video Drome. Yiiiii-IKES!

5. “Fishburnt”

Laurence Fishburne — Larry’s got a real busted pecker. I don’t know if it got grazed by a slow bullet or sumshit during the Matrix but I see this shit & I’m screaming “BLUE PILL. BLUE PILL” or whichever is the pill that puts me back to sleep. Ugh. Dick is veiny, squat, real thick & flat, swear it’s got abs on it. I don’t wanna say “varicose” but the veins got veins got veins if you know what I’m saying. Triple barf, just eat my pussy & call me a cab larry. No THANKS!

4. “Thing Rhames”

Ving Rhames. What is this, some kind of Pulp Fiction curse? Another fucked up dick. What does Tarantino do, send out a general call for f*cked up dicks to cast his movies?

3. “Uglass”

Michael Douglass — You wanna talk about falling down? My dick is falling down just thinking about this weird ass wiener. Poor Catherine “Zeta” Jones. Douglas is notorious for having a real gross fucked up weird & not cool wiener. I mean shit is messed. It’s almost bifurcated like a snake’s tongue the head’s so bulbous, and the veins go down both sides like weird blue racing stripes, and his pubes are all thick and gray and poke you in the nose and. It’s a shame. His daddy Kirk had a beautiful dick & I don’t know what happened.

2. “Peanut”

Eminem. Pathetic. Pale little dick covered in little blue & green veins. Virtually no pubes & seems natural. How is a dick so small & a boner so feeble so fucking veiny? Ranks highly due to overall disappointment + absurd veininess ratio.

And your #1 Veiniest Peen in the Bizz IS


Me! Who else? WHY else would I write a piece like this other than to feel better about my OWN fricked up dick!? I’ve got a jacked up johnson and, though I’m not famous or successful, it certainly keeps ME up at night cringing at the horror of it all. I am genuinely SHOCKED I am not a virgin with how jacked up, weird looking, veiny & gross my own horrific dick is. It is a constant shame. Right now it’s down there smushed into my jeans pulsing, revulsing, spasming little pink & grey horror of despair & disappointment. I practice my cunnilingus so you ain’t even need to see it girl. Just sit on my face I’ll make you cum & shun my gross worthless weird little dick like it’s the worm that it is. No one needs to see that. Yecch.

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Le Duc Violet is an effete French fop from Flanders. He loves rods, sceptres, staves, staffs, poles, pikes, halberds, guisarmes, flyswatters, piccolos, garden hoses, smooth-barked trees, & penises. He writes for Forbes, Maxim. (Maxim Forbes is the name of his diary.) He is obsessed with poop but only because it looks like a weenus.