It is no secret that choosing a name for your child is the single hardest thing any adult person will ever have to do. Sex? Easy. Changing diapers and waking up to screams at odd hours? Piece of cake. The real challenge is deciding what to call the little ball of flesh you paid for with your sex stuff (I’m not a doctor so I don’t know the medical term). The easiest thing to do would be to let the child name itself, but unfortunately doctors hate fun and will not allow you to do this. The list below will help you avoid picking the wrong name by explaining events that WILL occur if you choose one of these cursed names. Enjoy!
#1. Mary Jane
You may have heard that Mary had a little lamb. You may not have heard, however, that the lamb Mary “had” was Lamb of God, the American heavy metal band, and she did every member (even the drummer). Giving your child the first name “Mary” will ensure her promiscuity and an affinity for mediocre “devil music”, but the terror doesn’t end there. Mary Jane may seem like a sweet and innocent name for a girl, right up until you send her to school. Her teacher will take roll, “Where is Mary Jane?”, and some clever devil will respond with some sort of pot joke. The kids will laugh, the teacher will laugh, even the principal who just stopped in to see how things were going will laugh and high five everyone in the room, except your daughter that is. Her social life will crumble as her peers recount that one time when they all got high fives from the principal as your daughter turns green with envy. You don’t even want to know what the kids will try to do to her once the clock strikes 4:20. Don’t name your daughter Mary Jane.
While it is true that there were many successful people named Molly, (Molly Ringwald and…), You definitely don’t want your child’s birth certificate to don this blemish of a first name.Sure, a Molly might have a normal childhood, but once puberty hits her like a driver getting distracted by a Justin Bieber lookalike hits a telephone pole, you’ll regret the day you didn’t wear a condom that one time behind the Denny’s! Your daughter will get a boyfriend, as many a Molly does, and that boyfriend will want to take her to a concert. At the concert, Molly will leave her boyfriend to grab a beverage, only to be lost in the crowd. Her boyfriend will search for her, yelling “Molly! MOLLY! Has anybody seen Molly?” but his words will be met with offers of drugs from people wearing glow sticks and beads. Good golly.
Warning: this may be quite possible the worst name to pick for your child! Marco may sound like the perfect name for your little Italian meatball, but I mustache you to reconsider. One day, your wife will decide that Marco should learn to swim just in case your house is flooded or he decides he wants to be a goldfish or something. She will take him to the pool despite the forecast of “cloudy with a chance of meatballs”, and gossip with her friends while Marco swims around. Your careless wife will be so bonded to her 50 Shades of Grey novel that she won’t notice little Marco making his way to the deep end. Finally aware of the danger, your wife will leap out of her chair and begin yelling “Marco!” in desperation, her cries met with “POLO!” and smiles from fellow pool goers as your child sinks to the bottom of the pool. Please cross Marco off your list immediately!
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