“What the hell have I done with my life?” I ask myself as I clear out a dozen pages of bogus article submissions from a Polish spambot with a hard-on for selling fake designer purses on a list website. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I just wanted to be cool and popular online without expending any effort. Why is my website bad now? The answer doesn’t matter. FeedBuzz can’t be saved. Not when there’s this list of four timely replacements:
Brought to you by The Onion, ClickHole is a scathing take-down of placeholder pages. With the big budget and high caliber writers room that The Onion brings to the table it’s no surprise that ClickHole will handily bury the ugly corpse of FeedBuzz. Requiescat in pace.
These guys are still around. They have an even bigger budget than The Onion. Like, way bigger. The Koch brothers pay the bills in the BuzzFeed offices. Have you seen their cafeteria? They’ve got like.. Chef Gordon Ramsay over there, probably. Since they take so much blood money, I mean. They can afford him, at least, if they wanted.
Anyways, they’ve packed their writers room full of jerks. Those guys are way more depraved and shameless than any of the internet weirdos I could find to give me free content. BuzzFeed is such a massive media entity it can’t help but parody itself better than any outsider could. Best of all, BuzzFeed will never die.
3. FeedBuzz Digest
Yeah, it’s time to unveil the thing I’ve been working on. It’s called FeedBuzz Digest, or maybe FeedBuzz 52. I don’t know, I haven’t worked out those details yet. It’s gonna look like the front page of Slate or Newsweek or something. Bahahaha, it’ll be hilarious. Like a weekly thing, or maybe bi-weekly I don’t know. It’s going to be so good you guys. All I need to do is sit down and figure out the details and then move from WordPress to whatever Slate uses or maybe Kinja? I don’t know I guess I’ll do some research on that for a while. Then I need to make a new logo. But once that’s set up I’ll get some semi-permanent contributors and it’ll be just like the good ol’ days except better. Even cooler and more content and everybody will think I’m fun again.
[Editor’s note this will never actually happen.]
They’ll let anyone post on Medium now, right? Wouldn’t it be easier to just put stuff there? You could have your blistering listicle parody right up alongside someone’s serious thinkpiece on how birth control shaped the Millenials generation or something. I might submit one of my own later. Except, I’m out of ideas for how to make people think BuzzFeed is bad. It seems like it’s all been done, y’know?
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