These days a lot of stores are calling looking for you. I don’t know why they are calling, so I decided to find out.
5. The Toilet Store – Saugus, MA
The toilet store called. They seem to be laboring under the misconception that you are not a man – indeed that you are a toilet. Not only are you a toilet but since you are not currently at the Toilet Store they are out of stock in you. I find this odd for a number of reasons. Not the least of which is that if you are here with me, I already have one of you so why would I need them to call telling me they don’t have any more of you? Bizarre. Perhaps it’s because when I pooped in you, you failed to flush. That being the case, I wouldn’t want another one of you anyway as your model is defective.
4. The Adult Diaper Emporium – Hackensack, NJ
I was unaware that an establishment that sells nothing but adult protective undergarments exists – nay, prospers in these United States. It looks like the old saw of a failing economy may be wrong after all. ‘TADE’ as they are known employs 50 Americans and is the anchor for a shopping center that includes a TCBY and a Fashion Bug Plus. The Hackensack neighborhood where the store is located has seen a 22% drop in crime which is a big boost for embattled mayor Michael R. Melfi – he may win this election yet! Anyway your diapers are in. If you take the car, put gas in it.
3. Toys Я Us – Joe, MT
First of all I must apologize to the employee from this store that called. I was sure that there wasn’t a town in Montana called, “Joe”. But sure enough Google tells me there is and that “Being In Joe, Montana Feels Right!” is their actual town motto. You learn something new every day, I suppose. Never mind that Toy Я Us is a front for a vast communist shadow organization. The backwards Я is the clue. That’s not in any American dictionary I’ve ever seen. KoЯn is another part of their organization. The purpose of their call? They told me to tell you that they have security footage of you with your hands down your pants in the My Little Pony aisle and to expect a visit from Joe sheriff, Mike. I told them that I was aware of their communist plot and they’d be wise to let this little matter disappear. We came to an agreement but you owe me big time.
2. The Old Duckboard Store – Bedford Heights, OH
These guys called to inform you that they are completely out of Major General Smedley Darlington Butler. He’s been out of stock since 1940 and while they are hopeful for a new shipment ‘any time soon’ they can’t guarantee it’ll happen. They seemed quite sad.
1. The Jerk Store – Poplar Bluffs, MO
Some punk claiming to be from ‘The Jerk Store’ keeps calling looking for you. They called me an ‘idiot fucker’ when I voiced my doubts about the existence of such a store and told me their sister business, “The Idiot Fucker Store” would probably be calling to find me. This really got me steamed which riled up my blue crested macaw and I don’t take kindly to that for one cotton pickin’ minute! I decided to investigate this so-called store. I gassed up my special edition Scion xB – the old school style, not the new dumbass style – and headed out. It was evening when I reached the placid shores of Poplar Bluff and I had not much time before stores would be closing. I passed the Stupid Tweets Store, a place called ‘Your Mom Has Sex With Everyone’ and The Tiny Wiener Shoppe. I was losing hope as I neared the edge of town, but there on the horizon it stood – The Jerk Store. I admit I was a bit shocked and embarrassed at my uninformed insistence that it was imaginary. It was 15 minutes before closing time – I had made it! I crossed the threshold at 8:45pm, holding my breath in anticipation. There, under the sickly glow of fluorescent lights were aisles and aisles of you.
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