J.K. Rowling used to a poor woman somewhere in or around the UK until a brilliant idea struck her mind- Skinny kid with black hair waving a magic wand. Uh, duh. Nailed it. No turning back now. She wrote seven books but Hollywood somehow managed to squeeze eight movies out of those books. Epic win for Hollywood.
8. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (1)
Yes, this was the book that started it all. But holy shit, have you seen the movie? They cast a bunch of eleven-year-olds and there are too many cut screens. They literally got children to do the acting. Did have a dog with three heads though. That, my friends, got me sexually aroused.
7. Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix (5)
Book five in this series sets the kids in the path of the Prophecy. They literally speak of the Chosen One every five minutes. Bro, your name is in the movie title, you’re the fucking Chosen One. Have some god-damned self-awareness. Also, SPOILER: Gary Oldman gets killed by his cousin. What the fuck?
6. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 (7)
Harry, Ron and Hermione just run around in the woods in a tent that no one can see and is enchanted with spells, listening to a pirate radio station while looking for pieces of Voldemort’s soul. This movie would jump this listicle if that stud Rupert Grint didn’t dip out of the tent and spend half the movie trying to find the fucking thing. Jesus Christ.
5. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2)
As the second installment of the movie series and being filmed immediately after the first one, the kids are still, like, twelve. Three twelve-year-olds discover a diary enchanted with dark magic. Ha, I’ve heard that one before… in the second book. Disclosure: a chamber of secrets is neither a butthole or a vagina.
4. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (3)
Intro to Gary Oldman and Helena Bonham Carter please! The third installment of Rowling’s version of Magic the Gathering features Harry’s godfather, Sirius Black (Oldman), breaking out of a high-security prison to come to Harry’s aid, as he was falsely accused of leading the Dark Lord to the Potter’s house. Did I mention Gary Oldman? AND he transforms into a DOG?! He’s hot in this one.
3. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (6)
This one kinda ruled. It is the sixth book/movie in the series if you are seriously still reading this article. Dumbledore got blasted out of a window by Snape. Fuckin’ dead. Finally, some real shit going down. SPOLIER: Snape is the half-blood prince and he loved Harry’s mother very much. That’s pretty much it. Oh, and that stud Grint almost blows it with Emma Watson. Would have been one of the most epic fails in Hollywood history.
2. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (4)
This is movie-book 4. There’s a huge tournament for badass witches and wizards. Robert Pattinson, yes, the vampire from Twilight, is actually in this movie. He gets his ass kicked and dies, which in turn is very ironic, CONSIDERING HES ALREADY A DEAD VAMPIRE. He was probably a bad-guy the whole time. Also, Harry sucks face with Cho Chang- Win.
1. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (8)
They say the best is saved for last. Yeah, no shit. Epic Ron and Hermione wet make-out scene in the Chamber of Secrets renders this film a Must Watch. Fast-forward to the end- Harry collects all of the Deathly Hallows and defeats Voldemort with his friends. Nineteen years later: Harry marries Ginny Weasley and has multiple children with her. This means, yes, they had sex more than once. Related, Ron and Hermione get married and have kids as well. You know what this means-yes, more sex. Took 26 years but these kids finally got their rocks off. Hats off to ‘em.
Rowling has poisoned my mind with her literature. I am merely a man on a downward spiral awaiting another book. Help.