Top 8 Sexiest NAZIs

NAZIs are bad. Hitler was bad. The Holocaust was beyond bad. These assholes murdered millions & started a war that killed tens of millions. But I’m witty & irreverent so I’m GOING TO MAKE LIGHT OF IT BY SEXUALIZING NAZIs! Talk about a rebel, I’m practically leading the resistance over here.

8. Rudolf Hess

Rudi can’t fail – to set hearts aflutter! Though not renowned as the sexiest NAZI, Hess’s bushy eyebrows and hazel eyes had hearts burning like the Reichstag in his days as Deputy Führer with the NAZI party. His smoldering good looks typified the early wide-eyed optimism of the NAZI party, before the two-front war began. Ever the maverick, this rugged right hand mand-turned-renegade flew solo to Scotland to try negotiate peace with the Allies! Though full of face when flush with power, Hess’s features grew more drawn and chiseled as he waited out his lengthy sentence at Spandau after the Nuremberg trial, rotting in a cell ’til taking his life at the ripe old age of 93. Some times it IS better to fade away than burn out! Note: I am not making light of NAZIs or NAZIsm. It’s no laughing matter. But just because one commits crimes against humanity does NOT render one’s sex appeal completely moot.

7. Reynhard Heinrich

“Old Heiny” as he was called, likely for his stiff upper lip and firm buttocks, was one of the most widely reviled NAZIs. Hitler referred to him as “the man with the iron heart,” probably after catching himself halfway to dubbing Reynhard “the man with the iron ass.” As ass, er, head of the Gestapo, Heinrich was certainly one of the most feared men in Germany. Tall, blond, and severe, this hunka hunka burning hate oversaw some of the worst crimes against humanity ever witnessed by the world. I would be remiss in my duty not to highlight the cold, calculating murderousness of this musclebound madman. Yes, he was hunky. A heart throb. A cold severe assassin and genocidal maniac. But honey, looks don’t lie, and if I saw his double, I’d Rein Hard on my horse and holler “Hey drich, over here!” But he was a bad man! Very bad! So bad I’d like to spank his bossy bottom.

6. Hermann Göring

This lantern-jawed hunk was a big bad monster man. With his wavy blond hair & icy blue eyes, he was the picture of Aryan manhood. Not to make light of his crimes. He was a very bad man who did awful things! Using his image solely for comedy without highlighting his murderous behavior would be wrong! Don’t let his chiseled features distract you from the fact he supported the anti-Jewish Nuremberg laws of 1935 and the extremely racist 4-year Plan. But wow, that barrel chest and defined jawline.

5. Joseph Goebbels

This rail-thin, sinewy fellow was known for his persuasive tongue. As German propaganda minister, it was his duty to “talk his way into the pants” of the German public. And talk he did! Some say Goebbels was the original PUA (pick-up artist). He was a master of negs and kino, and was constantly DHVing the Reich. Perhaps no one NAZI was more instrumental to der Führer’s rise to and consolidation of power than this wizened wordsmith. He put a new twist on an old Axiom (or should I say Axisiom? For clarity’s sake, probably not): der Pen IS mightier than der Panzer! Now, I would be remiss in my duty as a man of conscience to point out that Goebbels used his considerable linguistic gifts to stoke race hatred throughout Europe and justify horrific murder and ethnic cleansing in the name of the Reich. But with those angst-filled auburn eyes, the dramatically shellacked hair and pursed lips, Goebbels typifies the sexy authoritarian “professorial” type. He was still a bad NAZI man despite his sexiness! Deceptively fecund, he fathered six (6!) children with his wife Magda. But then had them all murdered rather than live “in a world without Hitler.” The man was awful. But toothsome. But awful. Maybe the würst (German food, that is both awulf AND toothsome).

4. Erwin Rommel

Field Marshal Rommel was known as the Desert (or should that read Dessert? yum) Fox not JUST for his sly, stealthy tactics. He was also incredibly sexually attractive and snappily dressed! Plus look at those shiny medals and fancy hat. Er, Win! With a stern countenance that practically commands obedience, Rommy-poo was renowned for his cleverness and grace under fire. Now, I would be an amoral fool not to remind you that he did fight for the NAZI regime, although he was known for refusing to carry out assassinations of Jews and also treating prisoners of war fairly well. He was even linked to plots to kill Hitler. This is not to excuse him, merely to point out that he was probably not the worst NAZI, although obviously he was responsible for many deaths and didn’t turn against Hitler until too late. He was by all accounts mad sexy doe. I mean, look at him. What a FOX!

3. Heinrich Himmler

I know what you’re saying– HIMmler? I know, I know, he’s not the most rugged-looking bloke. With his weak chin and watery eyes, his overdramatic hair and feeble attempt at a pushbroom mustache, you’re saying, how could little old Henry Himmler outfox Rommel or outgobble Goebbels? Well, no one was more NAZI than Himmler. He was der überNazi. When der führer had questions about NAZIsm, he went to old Heinrich. Talk about a true believer! And this aura of certitude lent him a crazed confidence that was sexually irresistible. Now, I would be a charlatan and a hack of the worst order to omit the fact that most historians hold Himmler most directly responsible for the horrors of the Holocaust. As overseer of concentration camps, this nerdy looking pencil pusher actually directed some of the greatest ever crimes against humanity. But he did wear some fabulous leathers and looked quite snappy with a riding crop in hand. So, though thoroughly MORALLY reprehensible, the man was undeniably hot, in his creepy evil way.

2. Adolf Hitler

O Adolf. What can I say about der Führer that hasn’t already been said? He stole the pushbroom mustache from the great Jewish entertainer Charlie Chaplin and never gave it back. Certainly one of the most evil, infamous men in history, no argument on the internet is complete without mention of this boogeyman to trump all boogeymen. But on a strictly objective basis, his fiery passion and fastidious fashion sense are quite the evocative combo. Now, he did spearhead the most murderous regime in recorded history, but none can argue that he looked good doing it. I am in NO WAY excusing his evil awfulness and bad wrongness. He was a bad evil awful no good rotten man! But to feel that little pushbroom tickling my nethers, those crazy, hypnotic eyes gazing into mine as he whispers sweet nothings of racial purity and conquest– I cannot lie, thought I loathe myself for it– I am a bit aroused. And let’s face it. It takes a charismatic force to convince a populace to commit to a harebrained scheme of race supremacy and world domination. And der Führer had it in spades. What an awful man, who is surely burning in Hell, but what a sexy hunk too. Who must be disavowed of course! I hate him bad, awful, sexy Hitler! Bad. BAD. NAZI = NO!!! But sexy, yes.

1. Barack Hussein Obama

Now, I know what you’re gonna say– Obama is not a NAZI. But I implore you. Read the facts. If you can find them. Obama hid them. Benghazi. Now– he is sexy. He is very sexy. When I see him on screen I start jacking my boner vociferously– BUT! He is evil. He is the antichrist. The heir to herr Hitler’s legacy of death. Fundamentalist Islam, Stalinism, NAZIsm, and possibly Reptilianism in one sultry, smooth-baritoned, mocha-toned, bedroom-eyed package. Yes, we love our sexy hypnotic honey-tongued prez, but he is Hitler. Literally. Like, reincarnation style. Sad but true. Read the fucking facts. I love him but it’s true. Ron Paul 2016.

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Le Duc Violet is an effete French fop from Flanders. He loves rods, sceptres, staves, staffs, poles, pikes, halberds, guisarmes, flyswatters, piccolos, garden hoses, smooth-barked trees, & penises. He writes for Forbes, Maxim. (Maxim Forbes is the name of his diary.) He is obsessed with poop but only because it looks like a weenus.