On Sunday I’m workin’ hard and you better believe my truck is too! I’m usually in my Sunday’s best — truck, that is — at the hardware store or in the yard messin’ up my trusty Carhartt’s, which is another good brand, by the way. Last Sunday, Cindy had me at the friggin’ nursery puttin’ pottin’ soil in the rig (gaaaaayy) so I told the boys it was free fill from Kraig’s List. Suckers! Terry didn’t believe me, but nobody listens to Terry. I stopped by with my load to find Terry’s wife had him paintin’ the sun porch some sort’a pink. If you hadn’t figured, Terry’s a whipped sumbitch an’ he drives some sorta high school Betty’s Toyota four-door.
6. 4th of July
This is here because I don’t remember which month is the Official Chevy Truck Month, but it’s a pretty good day for America’s #1 truck. We always drop the ol’ tailgate next to crick out past Phil’s uncle’s farm. Phil’s uncle is a mean old bastard but he’s too drunk on Kessler’s to ever give a hoot about what we’re doin’. Phil had some sorta purple or orange pot last 4th and I got the rig stuck in a mudhole. I blame Phil, not th’ Chevy. Anyway, that’s what the ol’ tow strap is for! Terry borrowed his old man’s Ford to pull me out, but I just laughed and pointed at my die-cut Calvin’ pissin’ on the Ford’s logo. The Chev’ did all the work, anyway.
5. The day I saw all those puppies at the park
Nothin’ to do with my truck, but I saw all these puppies at the park yesterday. Ever seen like six puppies at the park? It was really inspirin’. We went to the park in Cindy’s CR-V, which was kinda bummin’ me out, but these puppies, man. One of them suckers had paws big as a 454 flywheel! Anyway, suckers pissed on Cindy’s ‘goin’ out’ boots and she got all huffy ‘bout it. She’s a great gal and all, but I’d piss on them boots, too, if it wouldn’t land me in th’ dog house.
Mondays suck. You don’t need that damn Gerfeld character to know it, but what doesn’t suck is Chevy. Most days I wake up to Cindy’s elbow in my dang back around 5:30, sore as hell. I brew a strong Folger’s over some thick as snot bacon and take a cold shower, but my day don’t start ’til I step into the garage and see my Chev’. Soon as I pop the door and plop my work boot down on the runnin’ boards I know it’s a damn fine day. Some’a the work boys complain ‘bout Monday, but not me. I even slip a little fish tail in when I pull in the gravel lot at work and the boots have a hoot. Terry’s ‘Yota got stuck in a pothole comin’ in the lot last Monday. I was laughin’ so hard I had to dig my back up Carhartt’s outta my toolbox. One Monday we gorilla glued streamers on Terry’s mirrors and he threw a big fit. I guess we fucked ‘em up a bit so he had to work overtime for the next three weekends, but I think it was worth it.
3. The day Terry got fired for stealing a quart of movie theater butter
Terry’s at the plant with us now, but he worked at the theater on the bypass for a few years before. He saw all sorts’a artsy shit out there like some What Happens In Vegas film with that Asheton Koocher. Terry’s always goin’ on about some film or movie quote, but ask him about any Clint Eastwood film and he don’t know shit. Anyway, one day we got to hollerin’ at him about that movie theater butter, ‘cus Cindy can’t ever buy the right ‘corn and Johnny’s wife only lets him have some bullshit vegetable butter. I guess this theater stuff comes in five gallon buckets, like plaster or what have you. So we were sittin’ out back waitin’ for Terry and the poor bastard comes waddlin’ through the doors with two buckets of the stuff. He was almost to the truck when the danged assistant manager starts hollerin’ from his shitty Aerostar. Terry wigged out and dumped one’a the buckets on the ground and tryna keep his balance swung the other over his head and wiped down a flight’a stairs. Terry got fired, but the assistant manager wasn’t that heated about it once he saw Terry slide down the steps. I think his name was Darrell. He bought us a bucket’a beer at the bar after we dropped Terry off at the ER for his sprained ankle. Terry’s too damn fragile for a Chevy.
I love Wednesdays — hump days! I bought my rig on a Wednesday and Wednesdays I have custody of my little Chevyman Colin. Colin was born on a Wednesday and I divorced his dumbass mom on a Wednesday, which set me back on my damn truck payments I’ll tell ya! After I pick Colin off and piss on that dumbshit Sara’s bumper I take the boy over the the dog stand for some American beef dogs and cold mugs full of suds. Kid can hammer some dogs. Sometimes he eats too many dogs and calls Ralph out the window, but there’s a truck wash next door so it wasn’t that big’a deal. After dogs we roll down the old gravel roads and sometimes stop and poke the dead deer with my tire iron. But the part Colin loves is pullin’ up to the boat put in and chuckin’ rocks at those danged Canadian shit geese. Those bastards really muck up a dang park. Little slugger plunked one right on the noggin last week and the squawker nearly shit itself spinnin’. It stumbled ‘round for a few minutes, but I think it’ll be ok. Phil said he saw a dead one the next day, but it was probably a different one they all got some Canada disease Phil’s uncle says.
1. Every day
Look, every day is a good day to have a Chevy truck. Chevrolet sounds like some French bullshit, but it’s an all American truck. Terry tried tellin’ me that GM ain’t American and half my truck is Jap parts, but Johnny told Terry right off ‘cus he worked at Auto Zone one summer and knows this stuff. Truck month has all that’s great about America: great value, the sort’a fair financing a workin’ man deserves, a factory warranty to stand behind supreme American craftsmanship and even some dang balloons for the little squirts. Mike down at Joe Donahue’s Chevrolet does a man right. Mike tosses me a quart’a oil for every potential buyer I send down to Joe’s. He hits the bottle a little hard some days, but his old lady rides his balls somethin’ fierce. Guys like Mike are what makes this country strong as the rigs that drive it. This is why every day is good when it’s Chevy truck month — whenever that is.