Top Things that Make You Say “Is there a bug on me?”

You’d have to be a fool to believe that everything you think is a bug is actually a bug.  You can believe as hard as you want but it will never make something real. Thus, we turn to science to answer that eternal question, “Is there a bug on me?”.

7. Spiderweb

One of the true artists of nature is the web-spinning spider. If your heart doesn’t literally hurt to the point of death from the sheer devastating beauty of a spiderweb covered in drops of morning dew you are not alive at all and your home is a coffin because you are a dead, unliving skeleton.

In the center of this masterpiece created by a creature with a brain the size of grain of sand that trumps anything that fucking hack Auguste Rodin has to offer, is the artist himself – a hideous hell bug.

That’s not the kind of web I’m talking about.

Sometimes a spider has a crisis caused by disillusionment. Is the artist’s journey truly worth it? When that spider feels unappreciated, he will cast a line of silk between two structures and lie in wait for you to walk right into it whereupon you will flail about like a dervish, desperately trying to decouple yourself from the web, hoping against all hope that the spider who spun the web is not now on your face, the back of your neck or in your hair.

It isn’t. It’s just a spiderweb, not a bug. You see spiders, like all artists, are assholes.


6. Ingrown Hair

One of the filthiest garbage animals on the planet is none other than Homo Sapiens Sapiens – the human being. Ever since our ancestors rose up from the primordial bog of the Phanerozoic Eon we have been casting about our fetid odors and body soil unto the Earth. Thanks to the amazing process of evolution we have developed highly disgusting sebaceous glands. These fuckers excrete a feculent oil on to your skin and hair. The cool thing about that is that oil causes acne, cysts and can even clog your hair follicle leading to an ingrown hair. Bravo, evolution – you’ve done it again! An ingrown hair will sit unnoticed as the hair continues to grow yet is unable to break through the skin. The hair and oil build pressure until finally you feel a pinprick of pain. What was that? Was I just stung by a wasp or bitten by a larval tick?

No. Your own body is assaulting you from the inside.


5. Tiny Pebble

Unlike every other inhabitant of this planet, humans are uniquely unprepared for the outside environment. Our feet are prime examples. Not only are they highly vulnerable to injury, but we have also developed a societal aversion to these, our own body parts. And thus we invented the shoe. We will kill another animal, flay the skin from its body and wrap it around our feet, so disgusted are we by them. Yet in thousands of years of footwear development our shoes still allow outside contaminants to enter. You may be mindlessly automotonning through your quotidien when you feel an irritation on the side of your foot. What could it be? You are wearing shoes and should be protected from such an environmental insult! Has a fire ant or scorpion caught you unaware and violated your personal footspace? Sweet merciful gods – tis only a tiny sharp pebble! You may pine for scientists to cure AIDS or extend our lifetimes, my wish is for the poindexters at New Balance to get their heads out of their asses and design a pebble-proof sneaker. We all got horned up over your stupid neon-green minimalist shoes already, so why not make something useful for a change?


4. Cat Whisker

I wuv Mr. Fuzzy Britches! Him is a widdle man wif a fuzzy face and him makes mowmows for dindin! Him is my best fwiend! But if him sneak up on me while I’m watching Game of Fwones and brush him whiskers by my face making me fwinch wike a girl cause I think him a spider again I’m not gonna cwean the witter for a week.


3. Tactile Hallucinations

Tactile hallucinations, also known as haptic hallucinations, are false perceptions of being touched. There are multiple causes for tactile hallucinations. The most hilarious is schizophrenia. There is nothing more risible than mental illness, is there? A defective brain that causes abnormal behavior provides us fully-formed humans a tremendous source of entertainment even though mentally ill should be ashamed and hidden from society. We don’t do that thanks to the politically correct gestapo, so at least we can all have a laugh.

Another cause is hallucinogenic drugs. These are ingested by morons in an attempt to find temporary relief from their crippling depression or as a replacement for actual experience or emotion in their unfulfilling existence.

The most commonly reported tactile hallucination is the feeling of insects crawling all over the skin.

These are not bugs. They are the ravings of society’s dregs.


2. Todd

Todd is a total fucking jerk who acts like a horse’s ass in all situations. Why am I even friends with this guy? He drinks all of my beer and he tried to touch my sister’s boob when we were kids. He’s a real piece of work, I tell you! One of his favorite things to do is take a blade of grass and poke you with it yelling, “Dude! There’s a bee on you, bro!” It works every time because one time there WAS a bee on me and it stung me because I didn’t believe him.

Fuck you, Todd.

Straight-Up Bro Hat

1. Bug

Within the arthropod phylum are a class of invertebrates with a chitinous exoskeleton, compound eyes and a number of other super fucking creepy features.

They represent almost 90% of the total life on Earth.

For comparison, there is one species of humans compared to between 6 to 10 million species of bug.

It’s probably a bug.