What City Should You Actually Die In?

What city should you actually die in? Take this quiz and find out!

What color is your phlegm?


A) Blood Brown

B) Grippe Blue

C) Choleric Umber

D) Pulmonary Puce

E) Ravaged Red

F) Burial Black

G) No phlegm (???)

What shade is your skin?


A) Pallid as hell

B) Ghastly hue

C) Death tones

D) Sallow

E) Jaundiced

F) Translucent / No skin

G) Healthy shade

How would you describe your breathing?


A) Death Rattle

B) Bloody Hacking Cough-a-palooza

C) Heavy, like an anvil dropped on a baby’s skull from a penthouse window

D) There are demons tearing apart my lungs

E) All Gasps Everything

F) Suffocation, no breathing

G) Steady

Describe your heartbeat


A) Weak

B) Threaded

C) Frayed

D) Unravelling

E) Just strong enough to tie a noose to hang myself with

F) Thunderous, like the bowels of a starving tiger

G) Not abnormal

What will you say to Satan as he greets you upon dying?


A) Hail Satan

B) Hey Satan

C) Hi Satan

D) Hellooo Satan!

E) Howdy Satan

F) Hail and well met, Satan

G) Other

What’s your favorite flavor of coffee?


A) French Vanilla

B) Hazelnut

C) Somethin’ Pumpkin

D) Dat Vanilla Bean

E) Dark Ass Roast

F) Decaf/Other

G) I prefer tea

Got all your answers? It’s time to find out which city you’re meant to perish in!

Step one: add 10 for every ‘A’ answer

Step two: add 6 for every ‘B’ answer

Step three: subtract 5 for every ‘C’ answer

Step four: multiply by 2 for every ‘D’ answer

Step five: divide by 3 (round up!) for every ‘E’ answer

Step six: add 1 for every ‘F’ answer

Step seven: add 100 for every ‘G’ answer

Death is certain.

Your quiz result does not matter. The dark will claim your soul regardless of where your puny corpus expires. Location is inconsequential to the unavoidable nothingness that awaits you, so enjoy that coffee while you still can.

Be sure to share this quiz on Facebook and compare with your friends!


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Le Duc Violet is an effete French fop from Flanders. He loves rods, sceptres, staves, staffs, poles, pikes, halberds, guisarmes, flyswatters, piccolos, garden hoses, smooth-barked trees, & penises. He writes for Forbes, Maxim. (Maxim Forbes is the name of his diary.) He is obsessed with poop but only because it looks like a weenus.